Thoughts

[Gizabreak]

Been with DP about 2 years, living together for the last 7/8 months. He's really affectionate, kind, caring and generous. All the things you could ask for. But... we have massively differing sex drives. He seems quite content for it to happen once a week, which for me doesn't match my needs.

I have spoken to him about this and said it makes me feel unattractive and not desired. He takes antidepressants and has a super stressful job which I understand. He's said he doesn't like to do it when the kids are in the house, yet when we have been child free he's been quite content to go right to sleep!
Before we lived together our time together was limited and sex was pretty exciting. Now it just seems to be a quick once a week event that's not very exciting. I feel awful saying that.

Am I being a total cow for feeling like crap about things?

No not at all, if you want it more than he does and want it to be more exciting that’s what you want! It does to me seem quite odd really as usually it’s the other way around from my experience, the woman wanting it less and the man more. My partner would do it every day of the week if I was up for it but actually it’s more of a once a week thing here too - my fault not his.
To me it seems rather strange that a man should act like that but we all have different sex drives. Can you live with this going forward or do you feel you need a change from him in order to make the relationship work long term? Suppose that is the question.

Thankyou for your reply.

Since before Xmas I've tried not to put any pressure on him but it's beginning to annoy/upset me. I have spoken to him about it and the fact nothing has changed at all since then, he's not even tried is niggling at me. I think it will drive me crazy in the long run.
I'm also put off initiating anything now as responses I've had have been, the kids will hear which is a get out in my opinion or he's laughed and told me to stop. Hardly makes me want to put myself out there anymore.

Some antidepressants affect sex drive. And depression itself also affects it. But if he refuses to engage with the issue then you have a difficult decision to make.

You should not feel guilty about wanting a satisfactory sex life. Sex is the glue in a relationship, it keeps you together when other things drive you apart. Take it from me, I've been with my DW for thirty years and I don't think I would be saying that if it wasn't for the strong sexual attraction between us.

I'm pretty sure the AntiD's contribute to this and as I mentioned before he has a really stressful job but I think the fact that I've said something to him about things is just eating away at me.

Of course you should say something to him, how will he know there's a problem if you don't tell him? It's important to talk about your sex life just as you talk about other aspects of your relationship, money, kids etc etc. My DW and I talk about ours quite often.

You're not BU OP to want more frequent or better sex but AD's are well known to decimate the sex drive . It is ine if the many many ways that being with someone who suffers with depression, is bloody hard and not always possible, unfortunately. You also don't really know someone IMO until you've loved with them and again, it is easy to be sexually compatible when not living together as the distance hides these issues.

Sorry to be blunt OP but obviously he is making excuses re: the kids etc, it sounds pretty close that he isn't interested in having sex with you/at all regardless. The laughing it off is surely on the borderline of friend-zoning. If you dont initiate at all and the once a week drops to nothing then that will prove it.

I would be privately deciding if the relationship was what I wanted log term. You havent been together that long and wont be the first or last to move in and realise it's not what you thought it would be. The only other option surely is couples counselling, but again- at just 2 years in, is there a foundation to support that being worthwhile. It hardly sounds like the love of a lifetime.

Same boat here , exactly the same situation.

So frustrating ... he is in all other ways a brilliant man but sex.....lazy lazy lazy. He would make do with none I reckon....but still likes a wank or for me to sort him out with oral. So he has the need.....but is just lazy. I stopped nagging him.because he said it was making him not want sex at all! So I'm.stuck, frustrated and fed up of trying.

Ps..... is he using a lot of porn? I found mine was when I went digging through his phone history trying to understand what the fuck was going on with him.

I'm not sure whether he's using porn? I'd be upset if he was, I'm not about to start checking his phone though.

Since starting this thread I've initiated it and he's been willing. So maybe I need to try a bit more and not wait for him to be in the mood.