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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

i need a Advice, I don't know what's going on anymore and I have no overview

8 replies

nuu23 · 04/02/2020 19:06

there's a girl i'm in love with.
She had a very emotional relationship, nothing dramatic, but she's very emotional herself. She has made a lot of effort in her last relationship but unfortunately all of them in vain, she never got back the same attention. This took her very much and led to the fact that she promised never again to make an effort in a relationship.
That is now 6 months ago, and we both know each other for about 4 months... so 2 Months after breakup she met me.
Everything went great, she opened up more and more to me, talked openly about her fears etc... and we came closer. But I was the one who made the most effort and fought for her, gave her attention, showed and hinted that I wanted more than just friendship...and finally we got together, but unfortunately not for long.
She didn't want to get into a relationship that she was afraid of not being able to open up but she trusted me and I failed, in my opinion. I tried not to put too much pressure on her, which caused everything to go slowly.

In the end she broke up with me, claiming she has no feelings for me or never really had any. I never really believed her, but I kept it as it is, maybe she wanted me to try harder or not. I answered normal on it, I agreed with her, that maybe it is better this way and that she is not ready for a relationship, needs time for herself etc.
And to be Honest, she saved our relationship with that.

But I never gave up on her, never really showed her how much I loved her and swore to myself that I would take her back and do everything better this time. 4 days have passed since that and she contacted me, with babyyoda meme, because she knows how much I love it. I knew what she wants to achieve with it and have reacted in a mean way, what do you want from me, etc. She immediately felt bad and she thought I hated her, we argued a little bit and agreed that we should start from scratch, with everything and not with the goal of coming together (which is secretly my goal)

Now we write more, although it was hard at the beginning. but I was pushy and wrote her good nights every night, but she always wrote me in the morning. now we are writing almost 24/7, more than before. But now I'm afraid that she's going to put me in the friendzone, which I won't let happen. Ask her regularly when she was celebrating if she has found her dream man or if she is dating. To which she always answers never, or that she hasn't found anyone since she knows me, hinted so little indirectly.
But my doubts are still there, bec she is my dream woman. We have always talked openly about everything, about love, relationship etc. but this time instead of talking about everything I want to show her more.

My idea is to give her roses for Valencia day, 12 red and one white. And each rose gets a little letter

Do you guys think she has feelings for me ? but it all happened too fast and she hoped that I would try harder to make her feel safe in the relationship.
I want to show her that she can trust me, that will love her truly...and no i dont want to change her at all, i love her how she is with all her Problems.

I hope someone can discuss with me or telling me if i am doing something wrong or how should i do it right

OP posts:
LouReidDododo · 04/02/2020 19:12

She’s just not that in to you. She’s keeping just close enough if she wants a pick me up, nothing more than an ego boost.

nuu23 · 04/02/2020 19:57

i know what u mean LouReid, thsi were my thought. but we talked Openly about evrything, she wanted it rly to be with me...but like i said she has a trauma for her last relationship, evrything went wrong in her life. She bought event a life coach bec she didnt had any confidenc in her.
Bec of her trauma she could use me like u said as a ego boost but she is not a person like that. She knew when we brakeup that i will not stay friends with some1 who i am in love. And she cried after that.

OP posts:
TileFloors · 04/02/2020 19:59

She doesn’t want you. Leave her alone.

Thingsdogetbetter · 04/02/2020 20:03

When someone says they don't want or aren't ready for a relationship it is NOT a test or a signal for you to be more persistent! It is exactly want it says on the tin - she doesn't want a relationship with you!

She thinks you are now contacting her as a friend, not in an attempt to make you work harder. Take your romantic tinged goggles off - life is not a Hollywood rom-com. You are reading hints and clues into what she says because you want them to be there, not because they are there. You've already been friendzoned - she told you she didn't want to continue the relationship. If you can't accept that you need to cut contact.

Overly romantic gestures and persistence is only romantic in films. In real life they are a blatant refusal to accept women know their own mind and have the right to decide if they want a relationship or not.

She told you how she felt, just because you don't want it to be true doesn't stop it being so.

rvby · 04/02/2020 20:41

She's told you she doesn't have romantic feelings for you. She wants to just be friends.

You've decided you don't care what she says, which means you don't love her or respect her.

She should run from you. Your attitude and the way you talk about her, is like you think she is a child who may not make her own decisions.

PatriciaHolm · 04/02/2020 20:55

You are veering dangerously into obsessive stalker territory.

Leave her alone. If she wanted a relationship with you, you'd be in one.

Whathewhatnow · 04/02/2020 20:56

I have to say I agree here with previous posters, unfortunately. I know this is going to hurt you :(

It wouldnt be so complicated if it was right. Speaking from a similar experience.... thebonly ah but thing would be if she was very damaged in some way, !and I dont mean by a previous relationship. Everyone has those. I mean like childhood abuse, neglect or huge childhood disruption. And even then you have a huge challenge ahead.

We all need someone who wants us as we are. You are trying to mold yourself too much here...

Whathewhatnow · 04/02/2020 20:56

The only "ah but" that should have read

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