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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How close is too close?

22 replies

ChadeFallstar · 04/02/2020 14:01

Regarding friendships of the opposite sex when in a relationship, what level of closeness would you be ok with?

Having friends is obviously normal but when would it be considered an "emotional affair"?

OP posts:

EveryThingWillBeWorthIt · 04/02/2020 14:18

When they are hiding their communication from you, when they won't be open with what the contents of that communication is etc. essentially just being deceptive.

IMO anyway

ABadlyShavedYeti · 04/02/2020 14:33

When they are not just being friends but laying the groundwork to an affair. Hiding the conversations, not letting you see what was being sent, hiding how much they are in contact, saying things they know would hurt you or you wouldnt like.

Basically if it is all hidden it is dodgy ground

Original poster

ChadeFallstar · 04/02/2020 15:06

So, say for example they had been friends for years predating the relationship. They were always together and a lot of people assumed they were a couple. Each others plus one's and whatnot when her husband was unavailable. Texting a lot every day, spent a lot of time together.

Then after his relationship began it cooled a bit as regards contact and time spent together but they still see each other regularly, go to each other with problems etc. He likes every single thing she posts on social media, when he is not very active apart from that.

Does it sound dodgy?

OP posts:

Goosebury · 04/02/2020 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ReallyLilyReally · 04/02/2020 16:04

@ChadeFallstar this sounds exactly like my relationship with my best (male) friend, and also DH's relationship with his female best friend (apart from social media, which he doesnt have). Also like my friendship with my best female friend. Unless it's being hidden from you, it sounds entirely normal to me, just a standard close friendship.

Charliebabe123 · 04/02/2020 16:06

If it's hidden then yes but does sound like a best friend kind of relationship

EverSeenTheQueen · 04/02/2020 16:10

@ChadeFallstar no just sounds like they are friends

Original poster

ChadeFallstar · 04/02/2020 16:22

Thanks for the replies everyone. He isn't secretive about it really. I obviously don't know what the messages say, just that they are in fairly constant contact.

I probably am overthinking it. It's out of character for me to be bothered by something like this, a lot of my close friends are guys. He has plenty of other close female friends too that I'm not at all bothered by. I don't know what it is about his relationship with this particular woman that gets up my nose.

OP posts:

NameChangeNugget · 04/02/2020 16:35

I think if someone would be worried about showing you the texts you’re on a slippery slope

forrandomposts · 04/02/2020 16:38

I agree with PPs it's only worrying if they are a)hiding it, b)doing things they wouldn't do if you were there/involved or c)doing things they wouldn't do with a friend of the same sex.

Original poster

ChadeFallstar · 04/02/2020 16:43

That's kind of the catch though I think. How would I know if they were doing things they wouldn't do if I was there if I'm not there?

He isn't hiding the fact that he is texting her but have no idea if he would have a problem showing me the texts. I would have a problem with asking to see their texts, I feel like it would be an invasion of privacy.

The social media likes bother me because he doesn't use it a lot and never reacts to anything I share but never misses one of her posts, no matter what its about.

I feel ridiculous even writing all this out.

OP posts:

ReallyLilyReally · 04/02/2020 16:56

RE social media, maybe he feels like he doesnt need to react to your posts etc because he's there for those moments in real life? He doesnt need to "like" your selfie because he already told you how hot you looked the night you took it?

I think you need to have a little bit of faith, even though i know it must be tricky!

mamato3lads · 04/02/2020 17:05

If its bothering you, ask or have a peek. I'll get shot down for that but couldn't care less. In my experience if something feels a bit off (you say he has other female friends that you're fine with?) then I'd do a little bit of digging about. Trust your instincts x

MsDogLady · 04/02/2020 17:11

...he never reacts to anything I share but never misses one of her posts, no matter what its about.

That is odd. OP, please don’t feel ridiculous. This does sound a bit off. They are in constant contact. He is channeling much of his emotional energy into her.

What is your relationship like?

Original poster

ChadeFallstar · 04/02/2020 17:35

@ReallyLilyReally I have considered that myself, and in fairness I don't post much.

I feel like asking to see the messages would be a bit much. It would put me firmly in the "controlling girlfriend" camp and I don't fancy that.

@MsDogLady Our relationship is great most of the time, we have been together for a few years now. This has bothered me intermittently all along but I always dismiss it as my own insecurities and forget about it. Until something else happens and I get the heebie jeebies again.

I don't think they are sleeping together or anything, it's not that. More that I think he was in love with her before we got together and he hasn't quite moved past it. Something along those lines. It just makes me uncomfortable.

OP posts:

Scootingthebreeze · 04/02/2020 18:03

Perhaps FB algorithm has got her posts to 'see first'? Or maybe it pings a notification when she posts and he feels obliged / or enjoys seeing her stuff so likes it regularly as FB tells him when to go on

ReallyLilyReally · 04/02/2020 18:28

@ChadeFallstar i get how you feel, but you need to remember he CHOSE you.

URPS · 04/02/2020 18:32

I have a male best friend who I knew long before my DP. We talk every day, go to the pub/for a meal once a week.

I chose my DP. If i wanted to be with my friend, i would be.

Original poster

ChadeFallstar · 04/02/2020 18:58

Thanks for the replies, I think I needed to hear that today. I do wonder sometimes if he would still have chosen me if she wasn't married. I know there is no point in wondering about that though, I'm only annoying myself.

OP posts:

Alfiemoon1 · 04/02/2020 20:08

I think as it’s a long standing friendship and they have always been like this then you don’t need to worry they may have a brother sister type relationship as long as he is not hiding the fact he is meeting up with her or texting her

If you have a good relationship why don’t you ask him what stuff they text about or see if you could meet her as she is obviously important to him maybe mention to him you are feeling a little uncomfortable about their friendship if it’s innocent he will probably put your mind at rest

notthisshitagain · 04/02/2020 20:31

I chose my DP. If i wanted to be with my friend, i would be.

Would your friend want to be with you?

MsDogLady · 04/02/2020 22:05

You’ve had this niggle for a few years years. I would feel uncomfortable with this level of contact. It feels intense to me. If he was indeed in love with her before your relationship and still keeps up constant contact, I would be concerned that he is not truly emotionally available.

They clearly have much emotional intimacy. They go to each other with problems. Does he also rely on you in this way? If he had exciting news, who would he tell first...you or her?

Are you ever included in their outings?

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