Partners living apart - how do people make it work?

[Spritesobright]

I have been seeing someone for 18 months and it's going really well and we have a strong connection and would like to commit to the relationship (or continue to commit).
However, we are both not long out of long marriages (divorces pending), have kids, separate houses and jobs that are an hour's commute apart. So moving in together doesn't seem likely, at least not in the foreseeable.

We manage to see each other 1-2 times a week and then spend EOW together when we don't have our kids. We've introduced our kids and they all get on well. We meet up the six of us every couple of months, probably and go on holidays together. But most importantly we support each other emotionally and practically. So in that sense it feels like a partnership but I'm a bit stuck on the not living together part.
My STBXH cheated and left the marriage rather unexpectedly so I'm aware that weddings, kids, etc. are no guarantee of ANYTHING. But at the same time I get an enormous amount from this relationship and want to continue to let it develop.

I wondered how other couples had managed to make it work living apart while still maintaining that sense of commitment, loyalty and trust?

I think that sense of commitment, loyalty and trust is ether there or it’s not. Certainly I have this with DP. We have been together four years and remain living apart. Though we are very much partners.

I think it’s only natural to want to blend lives. Particularly in the beginning. My experience has been, however, from getting to know everyone (we each have teenage dc) is that initially it all seems lovely as everyone has the best intentions, but step relationships are in fact highly complex and can be fraught with difficulty. Moving in may in fact not, be the happy ending it seems right now (18 months is a relatively short time).

I say, if you’ve found a lovely relationship, just give it time, and see what develops naturally.

BTW we all have good relationships here. But that’s probably because we live apart!

I wondered how other couples had managed to make it work living apart while still maintaining that sense of commitment, loyalty and trust?

I'm at the other end of the spectrum. I wonder how on earth people cohabit without driving each other mad/getting sick of the sight of each other.

I'm in a similar set-up relationship-wise, and neither or us have any plans to move in together or get married. We are happy and committed and both like having our own space.

Why are you worrying about something that doesn't actually seem to be a problem if it's working for you both, the way it is at the moment?

Just continue with things the way they are?

I think you have an ideal life. A committed relationship, time together and separate homes and families. In my experience of my friends who moved in with blended families it has become an enormous struggle for them and once moved in then the problems started. I would keep as you are for now. Sounds perfect. I dont live with my partner and we both make more of an effort in communicating daily, seeing each other as much as we can but when we are together its wonderful.

Im married and we live apart, 150 miles away from each other. I don't want to move my DS as he is close to his father and my husband has a good job so can't move either. People ask why we bothered to get married but we dont see it any different than people who are in the army. We get on great and make a lot of time and effort for each other. We will move in with each other one day but its not in the near future. The main thing I would say is trust, you have to trust each other or it will ruin your relationship. We have been together for 3 years and i love the setup we have, of course i miss him, but we are so happy when we see each other its worth missing him for.

I'm in a fairly similar situation. Together 3 years, was left for ow and had rug pulled out from under me and the kids. Am 100% determined not to put myself in that situation again. We maintain entirely separate homes and finances, treat each other to meals or weekends away etc. I do miss the idea of being married and am sometimes lonely but the upsides of our current situation are definitely worth it. I think society has a certain expectation of how a relationship should look, or progress and its hard to keep your confidence that what works for you is OK. You do just need to remind yourself of why you are doing things this way.

Well i don't have young children so it's different but i began living with my fiance after only two months of knowing each other. We were getting to the point of being very upset at leaving each other so we remedied it. I stayed with my dd for a week last year and it was hard for us being apart. If I had young or younger children I would not have done so, i probably would have after a year or so. I just couldn't live apart from my fiance

I've been with DP for 4 years. I'm divorced with a mid-teen DD, he's never settled down with anyone. We see each other 2-3 times a week, probably only sleep over a couple of times a month.

To start with I hoped that we'd move in together and be a family but as time's gone on I really enjoy my independence, the time I get to spend with DD, the fact that my house is exactly how I want it to be, etc. I look forward to every time I see him and get excited about date nights.

We don't even text each other every day but when I do, whether it's just to share something funny or to ask for his advice then he always replies within an hour or so.

I feel that I am a completely independent person rather than half of a couple, and that makes me happy. Doesn't work for everyone though, I get that!

6 years with DP, we live 20 minutes down the road from each other & it's fine, suits us both.

We have a lot in common tho. Both self-employed so we need and appreciate space to get work done at (respective) homes. I'm at home with 2 grown up DCs, he has 1 grown up DC.

We socialise and holiday together. See each other 3/4 times a week. Nothing set in stone. If I've had a long day out working he'll cook dinner at his, I go there then home next day. & vice versa.

I've been married twice. I don't want to live with a man. DP is a widower.

Meant to add we also share finances to an extent. Our DCs get on well. So our lives are blended. Not dis-similar in character we like our own space at times so relationship works well enough for us.

Thanks for all the replies. @latentphase I sort of agree that trust and commitment come from the relationship itself, but I also think that relationships require some thought/effort.
I guess reading all the replies has made me realise that some of my issues around trust stem from my previous relationship.
I had utter trust and commitment in that relationship - until it was shat on from a great height. Not that that gave me great faith in commitment rituals like weddings.
Totally agree that I am seeing a problem where there isn't one.

At the same time I don't want to take this relationship for granted.

DeeDee I think it would help if we lived closer and could just pop by whenever. How do you share finances if you don't mind me asking?

I miss the every day physical affection that living together offered. Hugs, cuddles, a shoulder to cry on when needed. Being at the other end of the phone just isn't the same thing.

OTOH, the sex is amazing, which might come from seeing each other less often.
fantasmasgoria I did that with my ex. We moved in together after dating for a month - in fact I moved countries to do so. That seems totally insane looking back but actually, it worked at the time (until 15 years later when he did a runner).

I think 1-2 times a week and a whole weekend together twice a month is pretty normal for that stage of a relationship when you are balancing work and kids. I would imagine you just have to make the most of the time you are together and check in regularly other times.

It’s not the same really but dh and I were on opposite sides of the world for 2 years before we got married. We saw each other about every 2-3 months when one of us could afford the time and the flight to see the other. We made the most of what time we did have together and it was very focused on us. Other times we messaged at least every day and would have ‘date nights’ - I’d rush home from work to talk to him and he’d stay up really late and we’d sit and have a drink and talk.

@mindutopia wow, other sides of the world makes my 45 minute drive seem pretty miniscule.
It is nice to take advantage of the time we do have together. My ex and I would watch tv together but I do that much less with new partner.

My partner and I live in different countries. It's not a long flight but still a half day to make the journey when you factor in the airport time and transfer. We see each other every few weeks for a weekend, and spend longer time together over holidays and we both have young adult DC not living with us. We are in touch every day.

We have discussed living together and plan on this, but recently I feel he wants it more than I do. I'm quite happy and independent and feel committed and trusting the way things are. Right now I am not saying no, but I'm not making big changes to my life here either.

I suppose if I'm saying if I were you I would take your time, and enjoy what you have. It sounds good to me.

I don't live with my partner and have no intention of doing so whilst I have teenage children at home.
It may be unusual but it works for us. It helps that we live fairly close and see each other every day even if that's just for a quick cuppa.
Blended families can be a nightmare and I'm not prepared to put myself of my kids through the grief