Intense crush on DP's friend

[MoonshineWashingLine]

Dp and I have a good relationship now after a few years of difficulty. About 18 months ago it was almost over but to his credit he worked really hard to improve himself and he is a lovely, pleasant person now. Even my best friend has said how much nicer he seems. And he is. I always thought people don't change but he has proved me wrong. I enjoy spending time with him, our sex life is much better than it was, we laugh, joke and go out together. He's great with our daughter and my eldest who is his step daughter.

Our social circle is different now as we moved to a new area, which we both love and we are happy here.

However, I can't stop thinking about a friend of ours (DP knew him first but I would consider him a friend too now). Said friend is like a male version of me. We have a lot in common and I find him physically attractive too. Dp and I are very different but it seems to work, however sometimes I wish I had someone who shared my morals and values. Previously when our relationship was bad I often developed feelings for friends but I just told myself it was because our relationship wasn't working at the time. But now things are good and I have this intense desire to see this other man. I've caught him looking at me in a certain way and wonder if he feels the same way. My dp has invited him round this weekend and he is coming. Dp has to pop out for a bit so we will be alone in the house together. I'm freaking out a bit. I doubt anything will happen and I'm not sure I want it to as it would ruin everything me and dp have and have worked for.

I can't avoid him as he will be around anyway and we have plans. I'm not sure how to handle this. I wish I didn't have these feelings....

Your first paragraph says everything that matters. ♥

Once in a blue moon, someone might come into your life who perks you up like this. My advice - I've been there - is to take all those fuzzy, sexy, sparkly good feelings; all that intense desire, and channel the whole lot into your present relationship.

Long ago, when I was young and going for job interviews for the first time, someone gave me the advice that to avoid feeling nervous or intimidated, I should imagine the interviewer on the toilet. I'm not sure it's great advice for interviews, just in case it makes you laugh.

But: it has proved invaluable on the two rare occasions I've found myself distracted by another man's hotness. I imagine him on the toilet, forehead veins bulging, trying to squeeze out a stubborn bum-stoat while reading the Racing Post. It takes away a certain something.

It's possible to have chemistry with other people, let it fade, and keep the friendship. It's lovely to be fancied, and you can enjoy it without acting on it. Your relationship is happy; your life is happy; they say you don't know what you have until it's over, but you do know what you have, and it's all good.

Take all those fizzy feelings of attraction and point them at your partner, and your relationship with him will feel even more fantastic, I promise you.

I should also add that my partner is technically still married to his ex. They've never got divorced despite splitting up over 12 years ago. I don't know if it's because I feel like he's not really committed to me because of this that I have feelings for this friend. We have a child together and he's still not sorted it out. He knows it bothers me that he's still married but still hasn't sorted it.

Thanks for the advice btw Polly This is sort of what I've been thinking myself but I have this niggling doubt somewhere in the back of my mind and it won't go away.

I think this is because you're harbouring resentment about his prior behaviour and his currently married status. You're conceding morals into the friend that your DP doesn't possess and that makes him attractive.

You've got to work through your feelings or end your relationship. Either way, hot friend is a distraction.

Conferring not whatever autoshit decided I was saying.

I doubt anything will happen...

Act with integrity and don’t cheat. Your partner does not deserve to be made a fool of by you and his ‘friend.’

If you have issues with his marital status and different values, perhaps you should end the relationship. Don’t use that as an excuse to cheat.

We have a child together and he's still not sorted it out. He knows it bothers me that he's still married but still hasn't sorted it.

You're looking for excuses.
If it bothered you that much, you wouldn't have had a child with him.

What has he said when you ask about him getting divorced?

You are 100% correct MsDogLady, I don't want to cheat and my partner certainly doesn't deserve it. I will talk to him (again) about getting a divorce and see if it gets anywhere.

I find this helps kill any desire for a man other than my husband:

imagine sitting your child down and saying: I do love you and I want you to have a stable, happy, secure family life with your happy dad and me. But not as much as I want to shag daddy's friend. I just love shagging daddy's friend more than I love you. That's why we are splitting up. I'm prepared to screw your life up for a bit of hot sex. OK?

Ahhh been there. Listen unless you want to unleash HELL then keep it as a nice fantasy. Even if he did fancy you too, there is absolutely no room for a happy ending in your situation. If you are genuinely happy with your DH...and I mean genuinely ..... then let this pass....and it will in time. Its just a crush, we all have them.

If you're not happy with DH anymore, still dont do anything with his mate, work on your marriage or move on.....no matter how sexy he is! It's not real life x

I’ve caught him looking at me in a certain way.

Cut off the oxygen supply to this infatuation. Build a strong boundary. Do not ego-boost with this man when alone with him or otherwise. No flirting or lingering looks. Shut down anything inappropriate coming from him. Redirect conversation to neutral topics. Mention your partner and children. You can be friendly while making crystal clear that you are not interested.

making it crystal clear

Dp and I are very different but it seems to work, however sometimes I wish I had someone who shared my morals and values

Being different to your partner isn't unusual. But having a long term commitment and raising a child with someone who doesn't share your fundamental values doesn't sound ideal. In what way do you feel you have different morals?

How important are your morals and values to you?

Because again, it just sounds like an excuse?

Why have you are you with a man with different morals/values and gone on to have a child with him?

Was it something to do with your age.
Bio clock ticking maybe.

Meh, it’s just a silly crush. Stop spending so much time with him if you can and I agree that picturing someone on the toilet is great. I also always think of someone vomiting or having a snotty nose, basically gross but normal bodily functions. It soon makes me realise we’re all just human (animals really) and no one is particularly special.

Your DP loves you and you two have a child together, it’s time to grow up I’m afraid and drop the school girl crush.

Why in earth is your partner still married...to his wife ...after 12 years?!

Of course you're resentful.

If you told him that you needed him to divorce, would he?

Also, what is his financial situation? Does he own assets with his wife? What is you financial situation? Do you work and are you financially independent or are you vulnerable?

Thanks all.
We had a child together as I unexpectedly got pregnant after we'd been together for only a year. Dp thought he couldn't have kids 😳 as I already had my eldest and things were going well we decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. Fast forward a couple of years later after no sleep and an allergy baby and things were not good between us. I essentially gave him an ultimatum as he was being an awful person. He had therapy and took up yoga and now amazingly things are good again. No one is more surprised than me about that.
So yes, it's just a silly crush. I won't let it ruin things and I won't do anything I will regret later. I don't think I could live with the consequences if anything did happen. It would destroy so much.

He's still married to a person he has no kids with from 12 years ago ... and the person he has a child and step child with has no legal status and protection? I don't understand this at all.

I know. It does bother me. Previously he said he couldn't afford it, which was true. But now he probably can so I don't know why he won't do it.

Just seen your first post PicsInRed, he and his ex have no assets now. I think it's getting on for 15 years since they split. They sorted everything apart from the actual divorce 🙄
I'm not working at the moment so quite dependant on him tbh.. I will try asking again tonight. It does make me sad that he won't give me and the girls any security. I'm not a huge advocate of marriage but I'd like it to be an option at least!

He knows it bothers me that he’s still married but still hasn’t sorted it... I don’t know why he won’t do it.

He needs to address why he is stalling the divorce. Although he has made efforts to change for the better, he is dismissive of your feelings about this major issue.

This would not be the man for me.

I was still married when I met DH. I'd dated a few people and been separated ages. ExH has too. I got divorced because DH mentioned it once. It had never bothered me before.

If he wanted to, he would.

I think he thinks that it'll just go away or I'll forget about it. He doesn't want to go through the rigmarole of sorting it I imagine. Plus it's about 500 quid now but a family member even offered to help with the costs. Also I have life insurance but he doesn't, which also bothers me.

sometimes I wish I had someone who shared my morals and values

Interesting comment in the context of fantasising about cheating on your partner.

UnaCorda, I'm not fantasising about cheating, I am scared of cheating. I am attracted to a friend who I can relate to, possibly on a deeper level than my partner. I have never once said I want to cheat. Quite the opposite in fact. I know my partner finds other women attractive and I find other men attractive, that's normal, but as I'm developing actual feelings for someone else it's becoming a problem.