Tips on dealing with a tricky colleague

[Blackcatpaws]

Hi all,
I would be really grateful if I could get tips on how to deal with a rather tricky colleague. I don't want to be harsh but boy she's annoying me and then I feel bad and really want to remain professional.

Firstly she's a nice girl who means well...I think! We sit next to each other. I recognise that she's extremely tense and has anxiety which makes her edgy and tearful and berating of herself - this in itself can be hardwork. I've been there for her to offer support when she's having a down period ...I mean we sit next to each other so I can't ignore it but when I help she never appreciates it and picks holes in my words of support. I guess I shouldn't offer help next time.

But what I find odd is that She can be extremely cutting and brutal with 'funny' disparaging comments and enjoys showing me/anyone up. For example when I was chatting about my wedding ,in front of everyone she said 'oh so you're not having bridesmaids because you're worried they'll be prettier than you'
I nearly died on the spot. She's mentioned my look before and I don't know why.
She's been verging on hurtful a few times and so many times made me feel very stupid.

The other issue is that I cannot do anything in my job without her quizzing me. If I've had a convo with a colleague she wants to know everything and will butt in half way through our private conversation to ask what is going on. I find this exhausting and considering we're not in the same team it's annoying.

She recently quizzed me about a comment I made about it being a busy week, a comment she wasn't involved in. She was keen to quizz me about this and when I said I was just over exaggerating and didn't mean but it was just a comment (I suppose for the first time I seemed blunt) she seemed to get very upset and left
I now feel like an awful human being but I cannot stand the edgy anxiety.

Has anyone dealt with a colleague like this? Do I distance myself?
Do I just continue to shut her down if she's constantly quizzing me?
It's such hardwork.
It makes me feel like a terrible person.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Contact your manager if she is making it difficult for you to do your job. Perhaps ask can you move to another desk closer to your team.

Do not allow her to interrupt your conversation... " X do you mind? We are in the middle of a conversion" and continue what you were speaking about.

She is not your friend.
She sounds most unpleasant.

The next time she says something rude, ask her "what did you say?" Or "what do you mean?" Or "Did you mean to sound so rude?"

Stop engaging with her about her issues, you are too involved.
She is not your friend.

Remain civil and no more.

Thank you billy1966
I was worried if I wrote this down I'd get responses saying I was being horrible

I think my boss struggles with her because she seems so edgy it feel likes she isn't very professional and cries if she feels threatened.

First thing I'm doing is distancing myself. I cannot stand her so called humour.
Also good point about the conversation. I just ignore her and carry on chatting but the moment I sit down or finish the conversation she's on it to know everything.

Urgh!!!!

There is someone EXACTLY like this in my work. Her life is woe is me, and she butts into everyone conversations. We just ignore her now or if she butts into a convo one of us will say "can I help you".
You're not being horrible at all.

Distance yourself, head down, shut down chats.

It does probably all stem from deep-seated insecurity by the sound of it, but that is often very destructive. To be blunt you're not her psychiatrist or her mother, nor her manager or HR manager and she isn't even on your team so it shouldn't be your problem, and allowing her to use you as a crutch-punching bag combination is unlikely to actually be helping her really.

Polite but distant and professional interaction only, and quietly ask the relevant manager or administrator whether you can change desks

Thanks for the feedback and thanks for making me feel a little better in distancing myself.
It's so wearing! It's just an oxymoron that someone can be so self involved and anxious yet lash out and be brutal but be unable to handle any perceived criticism.

I will definitely definitely distance myself.
I have a feeling when I do this or I pick her up on her personal comments about me she'll cry and there will be a drama.
She sent all these wired messages to the girls in the office apologizing profusely because she hadn't done something and she ended up crying and being woe is me.
I was silly enough to be the only one to respond and look after her.
Looking back the other girls just ignored her. They are far more clued up x

I wonder if we work in the same office... ! ; )

It sounds like she really struggles with interpersonal communication and reading social cues (e.g not understanding exaggeration, not reading body language about when to back off, being shocked and upset when someone's offended when she's made a clumsy/rude comment).

That will also all make her anxious.

Shut her queries down, it’s none of her business and call her out on being rude. She’ll soon get the message. Always be polite about it though as I wouldn’t be suprised if she tried to use it against you.

Noshowlomo

My concern is that I'm actually scared of her and her reaction. Sounds silly right. But she literally has no ability to brush something off and my concern is that she'll cry or make it a drama.
I have a feeling she'd be a victim and completely blow it out of proportion.
I worry I'll get it in the neck.

I agree with everyone saying she lacks social skills
What really annoys me is that she can be vile with her comments and making a point to mention how I look

At least objectively no one has said I'm a bitch.

So I do need to walk away and not indulge her .

Yes distance yourself absolutely, be assertive with her but polite (which by the sounds of things you are) she is not your friend.
Good luck.

OP, I think you need to have a formal conversation with your manager asap.

Tell her that your colleague is interfering with your ability to work.

Her constant drama is causing you to be anxious.

That you afraid of her reaction to you trying to focus on your job as she is so demanding of constant support.

Put it all back on her.

Ask to be moved.

The tears are manipulative.

She is not your friend.

I would expect drama and viciousness when you try and pull back so a chat to your manager before is a good idea.

The other girls have the measure of her.

You can't concentrate on your job with the constant drama and you need moving.

Make it clear that it is your manager's job to fix this.

Follow up with a friendly email to your manager outlining what she is suggesting as a solution.

Protect yourself.

People like her create trouble and drama.

Be very wary.💐

How old is she? She sounds young.
Some of this behaviour doesn't sound premeditated. The butting in could be her trying to be liked. You know, the kind of advice you might give to someone struggling to make friends, "Join their conversations."
Does she have friends at work?
Also, I used to get really riled up by a colleague who would mock me when I first joined, it seemed so cutting at the time but somehow I found replies that played her game and she started to warm to me. Now she's a friend. Not how I'd go about it but we're all different!