Moody husband - any tips

[asIlayfrying]

My partner has always been quite highly strung/intense, and has had bouts of anxiety and depression, often related to our children.

There is a family history of divorce, drinking, dysfunction, and his parents split up, which meant he didn't see his father very often growing up. We now live closer to his family, away from mine, partly so he can spend more time with his family, which he missed out on growing up.

However, he's still grumpy! i feel like he needs therapy, but he won't get it. He can get very down about the kids' behaviour. They are still quite young and when he starts getting annoyed with them they get worse, which makes it feel like i have several badly behaved children, including him.

Added to all this I am living in his hometown, don't have many friends and we both work from home, so are together a lot, and I depend on him more than i did before we moved. Today he has gone out to work because he can't handle the kids and got very depressed about their behaviour yesterday - and the house feels completely different, like a dark cloud has lifted (excuse cliche).

We are in our mid 40s so I accept that it may be age related (I am also moody at times) but part of me just wants to sell up, split our proceeds and parent part time with him amicably. I don't know if I can do another 20 years of his negativity. It's draining. And part of me thinks, I could meet someone else and actually enjoy life.

Is anyone else in this situation and turned it around? Or left? I don't know if it's bad enough to divorce him over - he's not abusive or a drinker or nasty, he's just moody. And to be honest, I think he perhaps wants out too on a subconscious level, but has this obsession with having the happy family he missed out on. Would love to hear other people's experiences - is this just marriage?

I had a husband like that, was with him 25 years. Honestly, it won't get better and the older the kids get and the more worries this brings, the moodier he will be.

I left, couldn't take it anymore. I miss him, we get on well, but I couldn't live with the negativity, was so draining. I do not miss that!!

I don't know if it's bad enough to divorce him over - he's not abusive or a drinker or nasty, he's just moody.

Well, if you're having to walk on eggshells, compromise constantly to accommodate him, make excuses for the kids/yourself and other behaviours that require you having to constantly adapt for his behaviour then, I'm afraid, that IS abusive. It's also nasty.

I'm sorry OP as I don't know the answer, but I just wanted to say you don't need to minimise it. Someone doesn't have to scream at you or hit you for their behaviour to be completely unacceptable. This type of insidious mental wearing down is just as bad, and often harder to pinpoint.

Betty I have heard before that moody men just get moodier. Being closer to his family in the last year has also made me notice some very domineering traits that weren't there before. he just doesn't know any different.

I can see why you would miss him but not the negativity - but the fact that you still get on well must make it so much easier.

blingloving you have got to the heart of it. He has no idea how exhausting he is to be around. I don't either until he is gone for the day and I have a moment to myself.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

The responsibility for his moods are his and his alone. Not yours at all. He is very much a product of his own dysfunctional upbringing; an upbringing he is now repeating on your and in turn the children. Its certainly not due to the age he now is.

Moodiness also can be further seen as an example emotionally abusive behaviour. Its done to assert more power and control over the person on the receiving end of the sulk, in this case you. You personally sound isolated also both mentally and physically. Abuse (and you are really describing an emotionally abusive relationship here) is not solely physical in nature. And sadly I do not think this man will ever be amicable or even want to be so in the event of you separating. He won't want to let go of you that easily.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here?. You want them to grow up thinking this frankly rubbish model of a relationship is their norm too?. This relationship is no legacy to leave them and you and he need to be apart now. You are not good together.

That sounds grim OP. He won’t get any better and quite likely to get worse.

I wouldn’t put up with it for both your and importantly your DC’s sakes. They deserve to have a happy childhood and a life not blighted by the fallout from his behaviour. Get out as soon as you can.

Atilla yes the moodiness is definitely worsening and it's something i have been trained to accommodate ie. he says he's very sensitive to loud noise, and he is, which means that as soon as the kids start getting loud he gets angry, which makes me tense, which makes them play up more.

The kids are happier when it's just the 3 of us. It's very noticeable.

"The kids are happier when it's just the 3 of us. It's very noticeable".

Well if that is not your impetus for leaving, then what is?.

He is not going to make any moves re separation because he is actually happy as he is. After all he has you to take his moods out on, you otherwise skivvy about after him and you do the bulk of the childcare. What is the point of him?. You use the word partner re him so I take it as read you are not married to this man either (but the kids have his surname?).

Do not continue to do your bit here to teach your children that this model of a relationship could well become their norm too. Its no legacy to leave them.

Please enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid. This will be a good investment in your own self going forward. These children and you cannot remain with this man, its not going to get any better for any of you people.

asllay my DH was the same with noise. I spent my whole life saying to DS you need to be quiet as dad is in a mood, or don't do that, you'll make dad cross. I left for DS really, not a nice environment for a kid to grow up in. I had to beg DH for DS to have a party/sleep over for his 11th birthday. He came home from work early to a house full of noisy excited kids and then screamed at DS, swearing etc......I could never forgive him for that. I think I left a year or so after.

My father was like this and both my sister and I have problems with anxiety for life, probably partly because we couldn't fully relax at home, so there was nowhere our growing brains could relax for long.

The 'walking on eggshells' thing is very damaging not just to your own mental health, but to your children's mental health and their ability to work (I have none) and to form relationships.

As you say his moods are mainly in response to the kids, you can bet that they pick up on that.

If you can't leave for your own sake, please leave for their sakes.

Betty I think you did the right thing. They don't get any less noisy, if anything they get louder. And it's awful for kids getting yelled at in front of their friends . I am starting to see that a bit more and it's just shitty.

The noise sensitivity is becoming more and more of an issue with family life. Funny thing is he hates noise but has no problem with his own loudness when making his smoothies, and also raising his voice at the kids. Lights are going on here

I am sensitive to noise. Probably have a mild auditory disorder. But when I realised I was getting more and more bad tempered in certain situations I put in place a few strategies. I've also talked to the children about a few things - eg explained to them that when they're trying to talk to me when I'm making dinner and the kettle is boiling and their iPads are blasting, I find it really hard. So either, they make an effort (bless them) or (more often) I've learnt to take a deep breath, ask them to turn off ipads/ go into a different room with them etc and then discuss whatever it is they want to discuss. It's not perfect but I think we all see that I'm trying and that I'm not blaming them for the fact that it's hard for me. Mostly, it's about me realising it's MY issue, not theirs and acting accordingly. Because, wait for it... I'm the adult here, not them.

Having said all that, I think your H's issues go far beyond noise sensitivity and really, the way you're living sounds awful for all of you. I'd be seriously questioning the practicality of this long term. especially in light of the long term damage it might do to your children.

Asllay thank you and yes I did. It's very sad, I was with him from when I was 19 and I miss my old life, but it wasn't the life I wanted for my son so I didn't really have a choice. I hope your DH can snap out of it, walking on egg shells is wearing.

blingloving I think that is what I struggle with most. I get that my kids are loud at times and i get frustrated too. But it's when they are behaving badly and instead of having a partner who helps to calm things down he loses it too. Recognising that you are an adult and need to behave like one is key.

betty we shall see. I've been having a think today and will start with getting myself out of the rut i've been in and out of the house more. I know what you mean by wearing, I feel very worn out by his moods, flat and dull. We have been together 17 years and part of me feels like we've run our course. It sounds like you gave it a very good shot, especially when you'd been with him from such a young age. That would have been a huge decision.

I’d give him an ultimatum-counselling or separation.

His childhood issues are probably causing it, but he’s the only one who can solve it by getting professional help, so if he won’t, there’s no hope.

We probably should try counselling. I've been reading some other threads on here and it seems to be a smart move just to move forward faster.

I have this possibly unfounded theory that counselling always leads to divorce which is probably why i've avoided it.

He won't get counselling on his own, i have pushed for that but he never does anything. His childhood issues are completely unresolved and I am seeing his father in him more and more, or his father's relationship with his stepmother, which was very much of a scolding father type figure & moody creative.

I would probably sit him down and talk to him about how your feeling and say that you would like him to have counselling alone and also for you both to have counselling together. Don’t just ignore it or leave without discussing it

My top tip is LTB.....sorry but my husbands 20 year refusing to communicate, moodiness, having to be right ALL the time killed my marriage and I'd never go back.
Its such a relief to just go to bed relax with a book and not have him brooding next to me. Mine had counselling and it changed nothing.

I'm in a very similar situation OP and have literally just put my house on the market today after putting up with his moods for most of our 20 year relationship.
I'm sad that things cant be fixed and no doubt I've got some tough times ahead but I'm also starting to feel positive about my future despite the fact that I may well spend the rest of my days single!
For the last 12 months he has barely communicated with me and avoided spending any time with me, even on holiday. He's moody with me, moody with our kids and moody with his own family and that has definitely got worse over time and I'm not willing to let him spoil my life anymore.
Things are quite amicable and I hope that we can stay reasonably friendly for the sake of our 3 children but also because when he isn't being a moody arse I do like him! He's not a bad person but I feel that I've tried for long enough and I deserve to be happier than I am so something has to change and as he won't change it's down to me.

He won't get counselling on his own, i have pushed for that but he never does anything. His childhood issues are completely unresolved and I am seeing his father in him more and more,

Well in that case I’d book a couple of sessions together because he has to be made to see that unless he changes, your marriage will end.

My dh had issues all stemming from his childhood. I tried for years to help him and be patient and understanding. One day I’d just had enough and said he either went for counselling or we were separating. God love him, he was googling that day, found a counsellor and booked a session. It was so helpful for him and our marriage - it really saved us.

It is terrible when people have suffered terribly from their childhood but it’s their responsibility to make sure they don’t go on to behave in damaging ways, which affect those around them.

Please put your children first. He goes to counseling or he leaves.

asllay

Joint counselling is a non starter because of his sulking behaviour aka emotional abuse. We after all learn about relationships from our parents and your H is very much a product of his own dysfunctional upbringing. He may well think he is really doing nothing wrong here with regards to you people.

If counselling is to be done I would go on my own, you need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment.

If he has depression then he needs to seek treatment.
If he struggles with the children then he should maybe consider a parenting class.
Anyone can be grumpy. But what you’re describing isn’t someone having an off day but someone using their moods to control everyone around them.
Horrid. Don’t subject your kids to that.