Dating, sex question, what’s normal?

[Dating258]

Dating someone I like a lot, met online. This is unheard of for me,..I date loads. This one has stuck and I am so excited to see him.

We’ve had about 5 dates. It’s obvious he’s ready for sex although he’s made it clear he will happily wait. I don’t know if we are exclusive, I haven’t asked! I don’t care if he’s dating while we are not having sex but once we do that then it will bother me if he’s meeting other people. Is that unfair of me?!

We seem to be in a good momentum but I don’t really know what we are...5 dates is too early to be anything but I feel once we have sex it will change things for me. If we don’t have sex it then becomes a thing...it’s been VERY passionate so far and there’s definite chemistry. When we’ve held back on other occasions it’s felt artificial and unnatural. Does that mean we do it?! I’m so confused. I don’t see us getting hugely closer without it as it’s key to a relationship but it feels scary too as obviously we are not in a relationship yet.

What’s usual here?!

What's unusual is that you aren't talking to him about it!
Tell him that you don't want to sleep with him if he is dating other people.

You need to talk to him

Isn’t that too much for 5 dates though! I don’t want to make it pressured

No deffo not,ask him

Here is your opportunity to start a potential new relationship on the best footing, on healthy terms and being true to yourself. If you don't express your boundaries now because you are essentially worried about scaring him off then you are letting yourself down and you will be setting the tone for the rest of the relationship that you will put his needs before your own.

Your boundaries are your boundaries. Some people say no sex before marriage, others say sex with other people is fine, hopefully most say contraception must be used. Your boundaries are personal to you but they should be non-negotiable because they are part of who you are. They don't bend and waiver just to please another. Your boundaries sound perfectly reasonable by the way!

If you communicate this in a clear but chilled out way he will respond according to his own boundaries. Eg "hey, I just wanted you to know that I'm not seeing anyone else and I've decided I'd like to give this a go on that basis. How do you feel about that?" Hopefully his views will align with yours and it will be fine. Then you can move forward in a healthy way and enjoy the relationship. If on the other hand he says he'd rather not be exclusive then you'll know where you stand and you'll know this guy isn't the right one for you. No problem with that as it's better to find out early on.

Unfortunately women are often less confident to stick to their boundaries and present their true selves at the start of new relationships than men are, which is sad. Never be worried that who you are will "scare off" a man. If they do not accept you as you are then they weren't the right one OP. Love yourself and have your own back first and foremost.

Just talk to him and say personally you only want to have sex in an exclusive relationship and does he feel the same way

Usually by first date or two you've asked if a person is generally looking for a relationship, hopefully, by 5 dates you might have an idea if he's a player or not. So you're best guage is if you are both hoping to find a relationship, beyond that, it's all a risk and there are no guarantees. That's the difficulty with OLD.

We have talked about what we are looking for and he’s basically said he wants a relationship and commitment with the right person. I don’t think he’s dating anyone else.

I know that once I have sex I will see it as a relationship though. I’m not sure he necessarily will...and it seems strange to ask that or have a condition that sex means relationship?

You're over thinking the label of "relationship". If he is in alignment with your view on exclusivity and you go for it then that is simply the next step. If you've agreed you're exclusive the. You're exclusive. At some point you both might start using the bf/gf words! But these things happen naturally. You keep checking in with each other in a relaxed way as the relationship develops, checking it's working for the other person.

The most important thing as I said above is that you are clear in your communication at this point, and you maintain your boundaries and your needs come first. You still sound very worried about saying the "wrong" thing, when in fact whatever feels comfortable for you is the right thing. You need to have more confidence within yourself.

I do really want to have sex with him, I think he’s great and me withholding it is hindering us getting closer. But I know once I do that I will fall for him even more

You can get closer without having sex.
Some people remain celibate until they are married and they are certainly close enough to agree to committing to each other and spending the rest of their lives together.

But... you want to have sex with him. So you NEED to have the discussion with him.
If you can't, then you aren't ready to have sex with him.
Use protection and see how it goes.

I don't know what further advice anyone can give tbh. You seem to be looking for problems where there aren't any.

You've found a nice guy and you want to have sex. Assuming he's keen on exclusivity as well, and assuming you feel safe then all sounds good. Just relax!