Please please help me :(

[Mamato2ruandbrad]

Okay mums this a long one, so I apologise in advance. I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. We have 2 children together. Thing is, I’m really really confused as to whether we should be together. Now generally things are okay, we get on well as a family & it’s comfortable. But my main worry is that he doesn’t care about me as much as I do him, now the reason I say that is because he hardly ever shows me any emotion or affection. I’m always going to him for cuddles & kisses, he will give them back but he never ever comes to me first.

He also is really bad at supporting me emotionally, I suffer with anxiety & at times I really do need him to be supportive but I just feel he isn’t at all. For instance, in 2018 we had 2 miscarriages. Both times he wasn’t there for me, I remember 2 days after one he was asking me why I was upset, like I had to remind him what we’d just been through?

He’s also terrible at making me feel good, if I make a big effort with my appearance he will never ever notice. One time he commented on a bra asking if it was new, but I’d had it for 5 months. He’s not one to compliment me either, if I say ‘oh does my hair look good?’ He will say ‘yeah it does’. But I always say ‘wow you look hot in that top’ or something...I just feel like I give him a lot of my heart & I don’t get nearly enough of the same treatment back.

But the thing is, he can be really sweet. He’s good at buying flowers...

Every few weeks, sometimes even days I lay in bed & just wonder if we should just call it a day, because surely this isn’t ok to feel like this? My self esteem is to the ground, I sometimes don’t even want to have sex because I just don’t feel comfortable to do it & I don’t feel good enough sad We can go days before we kiss too, if I don’t instigate it - it won’t happen, is this normal in long relationships?

I just don’t know what to do anymore sad all I know is it’s affecting me badly. Thanks for reading x

Have you sat him down and explained how you feel OP?

What does he say when you express your concerns about his behaviour?

Yep, he knows how I feel & he just says he does love me & does want to be with me, he says if he didn’t he would just leave

Your description reminds me of my partner, who never compliments me, struggles to talk about emotions or cope with me if I’m upset and seems to need less physical contact than I do. He is however, as you say of your partner, absolutely lovely to me - kind, respectful, thoughtful with gifts etc. Extremely loyal and committed. My partner has Asperger’s syndrome and his traits can be explained by this. I wouldn’t have him any other way now, although I did struggle with it in the first couple of years. Is it possible yours does too?

It may be that you both have different ways of expressing love to one another:
love languages

Maybe you focus more on Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch and he focuses more on Gifts.

If Words and Touch are really important to you then either he needs to step up, or you need to accept that that isnt his way of expressing/communicating love, or you need to decide whether you can continue the relationship without receiving these forms of love unprompted.

I do think he sounds like he is lacking in empathy, but from experience I know that some men dont quite get the trauma of miscarriage from women's perspective- many dont even really think of being a father until the baby is born and therefore dont feel the loss as powerfully as the mother (who feels like a mother generally as soon as she knows she is pregnant).

I hope your partner listens to your concerns and maybe it might be worth both of you filling in a quiz on the 5 love languages just to compare your results and see what forms of communication you value above others to give/receive.

Just to add to my comment above I did the quiz again.

As you can see from my scores receiving gifts factor very low in my needs, but physical touch and quality time are my primary needs for communicating love.

So I probably would not cope well with a partner who mainly shows love through sharing gifts. I'm lucky that my partner has a similar profile to me.

It really doesnt take much to pay someone a compliment though, or be supportive after a miscarriage for crying out loud.
If you have told him you don't feel loved and he's not attempting to at least make a little bit more effort, I don't see how he can care that much. Sorry.

I think you’re right (anotherdisaster) :(
He hardly asks if I’m okay too, just little things you’d expect your partner to do he doesn’t do :( i just didn’t know if maybe I was expecting too much from him.