Aspergers?

[HulaHoop2]

Does anybody here have a partner with Aspergers (or whatever the correct term is - I’m sorry, I’m new to this)?

Did you know it before they were officially diagnosed?

What were the signs/symptoms/traits?

I really think my husband has it and it is seriously affecting our relationship but he won’t even consider looking into it.

DW and DS1. Both very different. Lots of info out there, but a key element is sensory overload.

Yes, my partner has it but he is not formally diagnosed. It is unmistakeable in him though. Most obvious thing is special interests, overreactions/meltdowns, inability to empathise (self-confessed) or understand ‘normal’ NT communication style, failure to follow social norms, no friends really, prefers to be alone, sensory disorder so he doesn't like touch/hugs/kissing, low sex drive, can’t go on imaginary flights of fancy or talk about or express his emotions (genuinely unable to say ‘I love you’ or give compliments), tends to be blunt/critical even if inappropriate, over-explains technical things, has neutral facial expressions. He is also very sweet in his own way, and clever too, gentle, reliable, acts of service are his thing, also naive in a way.

That’s interesting. Mine has most of those too but he can say I love you and give compliments. He is also very creative (he’s an artist).

It can express itself in a range of ways, and people can also have traits of it rather than the whole thing.

I have (diagnosed) autistic traits, because I have part of it but not the other.

A consultant summarised full ASD to me as poor social skills plus rigidity (of opinions and/or habits, I suppose.)

I have it (diagnosed), DP very likely has it (undiagnosed but wants to pursue a diagnosis).

My traits are:
Sensory overload - it exhausts me
Dislike of certain textures, food wise, very rigid eating habits
Hate loose clothing, have to have something tight
Lack of empathy with most people, too much depth of feelings with others (DP for example)
I hate being touched by most people. I can't get enough of DP touching me and love having my back stroked. Can't stand DCs holding my hand loosely
I need down time and don't like being around lots of people all the time, hate crowds and noise
Processing can take a while. I need to think about something and take it in before I can act on it or deal with it
I struggle socially and can be a bit inept. The psychiatrist said I was emotionally immature
Not great with lots of verbal instructions
On the upside my hyper focus means I am highly efficient, organised and very very good at the things I can do. And I do them fast and accurately. In work my colleagues are amazed at the speed in which I work. I think it's normal and they are very slow.
My memory is excellent.
I am very loving to those I care about
I do stim. I pick and fiddle with something constantly. I wear a necklace so it's usually that I'm fiddling with.

When it comes to DP and I, good communication is key. It does not occur to me to think about someone else naturally. He told me others would think I come across as selfish although he knows I'm not, I just don't think about it. He is very good at helping me to see things as he worked with autistic teenagers in the past.

I struggle to adapt to having someone else in my space sometimes and things not being exactly how I want them (I am very neat and tidy). It's definitely a learning curve! However I adore DP so I have to learn to adapt. He lets a lot of stuff go. I usually process it much later then we talk about it. Luckily we are both big talkers.

However I am very aware I am hard work and I don't think everyone would be able to cope with a partner on the spectrum. DP and I are both very literal which helps but at the same time I can find exhausting as we have to deal with tiny errors in something I may say and if I'm already overwhelmed, I can't deal with the analysis.

Meltdowns aren't such a big thing for me, although I can feel them bubbling sometimes. I tend to shut down more.

Would your DH do the AQ test? It gives an indication and it is the test the doctors use. You can get it online. It's 50 questions. Score over 32 means it's likely someone is on the spectrum.

My DH almost certainly has very high functioning autism - he has almost every trait from PP. We met at university together and I think he was better at masking a lot of these things when we were younger as they are definitely becoming a lot more apparent now (mid 30’s). I won’t lie, he can be bloody hard work for me but I just have to remember he doesn’t mean to upset me when he does. We have 3 young children and we‘ve only just realised that when he finds all the noise difficult to cope with it’s actually a sensory overload thing —not him being a dick as I used to think—

We’re not sure if it’s worth pursuing a diagnosis as would it make any difference? Potentially would help our relationship though as we could both gain a bit more understanding into his triggers.

Strike through fail!

@cyrilsneer30 we've been through similar with noise overload from children, it gets harder not to face when you've got children being assessed @HulaHoop2. Similar experience, before children it's easier to manage and mask, you're not under as much life pressure in most cases. My DH was vehemently against the idea there was anything different with any of us or the DC for years.

DH doesn't have a diagnosis, but I do try and make some allowances now, he goes out for walks or retreats when he's overloaded as he frequently is at weekends. Lack of enough downtime can lead to periods of depression.

Could you discuss it from the point of view of helpful accommodations? The diagnosis for a functioning adult that doesn't want one isn't really critical, but you should talk very directly about changes to improve your relationship.

I know what you both mean - things that used to be better hidden (and that I previously put down to him being a bit of an arsehole) have become more apparent since the children were born. He is almost exactly as you have described. I will try to talk about it with him but he is very fixed in his way of thinking about things and won’t even consider another perspective. His worldview is the “correct” one and everybody else is wrong!

Mental rigidity is a trait society as a whole rewards, hard to think you may be overly rigid if your career success is built on clarity of thought, ability to construct arguments and back them up etc. My dh spent ages insisting that HFA didn’t need a diagnosis or adjustments (this argument in relation to the dc).

I wouldn’t tackle his world view directly for the moment, I’d think about the practical issues the rigidity causes you and what you want to change. I don’t know but I found my dh did research on his own when I started to mention autism even whilst being vehemently adamant about it. Remember that he’s probably hearing ‘you are broken, you are the cause of our problems, you need to fix your skill deficits’ - quite a hard message for anyone to hear even if they’ve had a sense they didn’t fit in all their life.

A diagnosis of autism doesn’t fix anything as such, it helps with perspective.

I guess I just want to understand why he is the way he is so I can be more supportive rather than just thinking he’s horrible and arguing with (at) him all the time!

And it’d be nice for him to acknowledge you have made specific adjustments for things he struggles with eh? I get where you are coming from.

**he is very fixed in his way of thinking about things and won’t even consider another perspective. His worldview is the “correct” one and everybody else is wrong!

You've met my DW obviously!