Last chance

[Helppls101]

My husband and I have massive marriage issues, and he has said he wants a divorce - he’s still living at home at the moment and hasn’t physically looked for a new flat (online searches). He says we need it to be orderly for the children (5 and 3) but he’s not been happy for a few years. Not sure I have either but I don’t want to give up as it’s perfectly amicable just no spark. He’s not yet told family / friends etc. so I haven’t given up yet. He’s frustrated with my indecision about job, family etc. which I get as I am too. We don’t have babysitters close and have barely been out together in the last 5 years and he’s not a natural dad. Tries but finds it hard work. Anyway - he’s finally agreed to go out with me this Saturday night and we have a babysitter. Last weekend was terrible as I wanted to talk to him constantly - stupid I know. He says he wants a divorce but never seems to have properly thought about it (he’s very smart, good job etc.). Anyway, I want ya to have a fun time on Sat, knowing that we can’t fix everything in one night but I think he’s going to want to talk about how we execute the divorce, the children etc. He knows I think we should make changes to see if we can get happy. Anyway, my question is how shall I approach the evening, where to go (dinner may be quite intense), what can we say, shall I bring up divorce if he doesn’t, am I wasting my time and be better to give up if he has and seems set on a divorce?

Neither of us come from broken homes etc. so deep down we want the same for our kids but also want to be happy....

Has no one got any great advice?

It's quite early so I should imagine that's why you have no response at the moment. I'm sure there will be lots of wise mumsnsetters along soon enough with some great advice.
I'm not sure I'll be much help.
I was married once, quite different as we didnt have children and although we had been together 7 years we had only been married 2. But I was your husband. I was the one who wanted it over. He didnt. I was very much like your husband sounds. I was clear I wanted a divorce and didnt want to give it one last try. He wanted to talk about it constantly.
The thing is for me I had already given it one last try. In my head it had been over for a good year (dont think we should've got married in all honesty). I'd tried to talk to him previously, that I wasnt happy etc, but I dont think hed really grasped the importance of what I was saying. So bu the time I actually said I'm done and started making plans to end it, he felt blindsided (think hed buried his head in the sand to ignire how bad it was) but I was adamant in my mind it was done. I'd had so long to process it in my head that I was at a very different stage to him.
He kept wanted to discuss it, find a solution, give it one last go. I was already at the I'm completely done stage. I held firm and while I know that he found that difficult (and I felt so bad that he was hurting) I just didnt want to discuss giving it another try.
Anyway once he accepted it was over. He took off the rose tinted specs. We've been apart 5 years this year and have remained friends (rarely speak as much now because he has entered a new relationship) but over the last five years we have managed to remain in contacted and even provide each other with emotional support on occasions (we were friends for along time before we married). I'm not sure that wouldve happened if I wasnt very clear that we were at the end when I did. He has admitted to me that when I did tell him it was over he now knows that I did the right thing. Even thanked me.

@alittlebitconfused1

Thank you. I think your summary is exactly where he’s at. I am just hoping that as we have the kids he’ll try again as I know he’s worried about the impact on them etc. I am more frustrated that I don’t think he’s really tried - just says ‘I don’t want to go out etc.’ which isn’t true. Our relationship was great pre children but they have put a huge strain on things. Any thoughts on what we do on Sat would be good. I’m thinking of cancelling it and telling him I give up - he can sort all the logistics for the kids and I’l done

@ALittleBitConfused1

But I guess it’s not worth fighting for if you don’t love the other person. I think he wants to sail off into the sunset for this new life of fun, but he needs to remember the kids and maybe life won’t be better.....for anyone

I loved my husband, very much. I just wasnt sexually attracted to him. It wasnt enough for either of us. We both deserved more. It was like living with my best friend, which some would say is great but not when you dont have the other side to balance it out. And eventually I started to resent him. He was quite complacent and he was prone to procrastinate. He thought the same, that I hadn't tried hard enough to make it work but I felt that he hadn't tried enough either. The signs were there that it wasnt working but I felt that he had just sat back telling himself it will get better, it will get better. And that he didnt want to really put the effort in until it was too late. I had tried very much, I feel exhausted by the end. It's hard work when you really aren't happy and by the time it all come out I had nothing left to give. I didnt want to try and make it work anymore. As i said our situation was very different to yours, there were no children involved. But on another note, I do believe that children are happier if their parents are happier. Whether that be together or apart. Does he want to go out on saturday? Maybe just go and walk. Somewhere there are things to look at, talk about so the pressure isn't solely focused on talking about the marriage. But I do think you need to listen to each other. And you may need to accept that if hes at the point of no return, whether you agree or not, that's how he feels.

@alittlebitconfused1

There’s no doubt we’re both stressed and tired. He thinks he’s been trying, but it’s not clear to me that he has. Although he’s accepted that with the kids he can’t go off and have a new life as easily as without. He’s also away a lot with work which doesn’t help intimacy. We’re both frustrated but know how upset the kids will be.

He agreed (perhaps reluctantly) to go out on Saturday night and has booked a babysitter. Part of me thinks it just to go along with it and say he tried, there’s not much of me that thinks he thinks it will help but I don’t want to give up just yet. I don’t think he has much more to give though - our relationship pre kids was sports, walking, cycling, dinners etc. and when we took all that away it was hard!

A walks a good idea, but may be a bit cold! Definitely don’t want to do dinner - he may well change his mind anyway!

When you say you tried, what did you do?

Re-reading your message - maybe I should just give up, cancel the babysitter, and give him what he wants? I think the challenge is because of the kids he wants the divorce to be positioned as we both agree a divorce is best, but I don’t! If he’s going to leave then it will be him walking away as things are definitely not bad in the eyes of the kids (no fighting, cold shouldering etc.).

As you say so we’ll, things are very different when you have children - both in the relationship, and the consequences of a split.....

Does anyone else have any ideas?

I would say if he has got to the point where he is voicing that he wants a divorce he has already checked out and there is no coming back.

My advice would be to start moving forward, by all means tell him this is not what you want, but start making arrangements and try to detach yourself emotionally, from him. Make plans to do things for yourself, meet friends, go out, start s hobby etc. Even if your heart is breaking stay strong in front of him, fake it till you make it.

The result will be one of two things.

1 - If it is a silly mid life crisis thing, when he realises you are moving on and not there waiting for him, he may change his mind

2 - you actuallyove on and have a great life without him.

Be strong and keep posting 💐

Yes, I am leaning towards cancelling Saturday night and telling him is this is what you want then I am going to take some time to myself, find a place to stay for a few weeks and he can get stuff moving - sell house, find kids new school etc. Otherwise I am just waiting and wondering when he’s going to move out.

We’ve given up loads for his job (he has a successful job) and maybe he needs to give back a bit and let me get some space to sort myself out....

Cancel Saturday?

I would cancel Saturday yes. I haven’t been in your position but I have been the person ending a long term relationship who felt guilted into the date to ‘have fun’ and recapture when I was clear it was over. You won’t get what you are looking for. Focus on yourself as pp have said.

@batqueen

Did you have kids?

@Batqueen

Move out for a bit and let him deal with the kids - make a plan etc. Currently he won’t agree to tell the school, put house on market etc (we have to sell it)

No we didn’t. The situation was different, it is just the emotional state I am thinking is probably similar. I do think from your previous posts that it also sounds like he is used to having it his own way and that you need to make it clear that if this is what he wants, he does not get to decide by himself who gets told and when as you will need support to deal with it. Do consider though that you moving out and just leaving your children for him to deal with will be very hard for them if it’s nit what they are used to so don’t let them have that upset just to punish him. Hopefully this will give your post a bump so someone who has dealt with something similar will come along. X

We’ve given up loads for his job (he has a successful job)

Sounds like he might not have a clue about what joint custody of the children would really entail. So I would suggest pushing for a trial separation that mirrors what the post-divorce domestic situation would be as closely as possible.

I get the feeling that you need some time / space and have been carrying a lot on your shoulders. I agree that it’s not unreasonable to expect him to take care of the kids for a week or so. I would try and go out somewhere low key and not mention the relationship - see if you can relax together.