No self love - shattered self esteem

[navteexo]

Hi

I am 25 years old with 2 kids - 1 newborn and 1 toddler. For about 4 years now I have suffered with self esteem issues, which seem to be getting worse. An ex of mine used to compare me to other women constantly, used to send me pictures of celebrities and tell me "you should do your eye makeup like her" or "you should really chop your long hair off, get a bob like so and so, its hot". It would only be celebs he would send me pics of.
I'm 5ft 2 and really petite, just how ive always been, and he would tell me "why don't you gain weight? you would look 10x hotter with a bit of meat on your bones, there's nothing of you". I changed up my diet, started going gym in an attempt to gain some muscle and strength but it didn't help much, its just genetics, high metabolism etc. I still cant believe I stayed with such an A Hole.

Anyways, at the time it didn't affect me that much, but now I feel like its starting to take over my life. My husband is lovely, never compared me to anyone, always told me im beautiful, but my head is so screwed up now, that I constantly accuse him of looking at other women, lusting over women on tv even though he isn't saying anything to make me think that, its gotten to the point where I cant watch a movie with him without feeling on edge about nudity in it etc.
He tells me 1000 times a day that he does not care for stuff like that and he only cares about what is real, and what is infront of him - that's me - but I cant get it through my thick skull. Im exhausted. Husband is exhausted too, from constantly picking me up when im down, constantly having to reassure me that he isn't looking at so and so, that his eyes are only for me. I know this will eventually push him away. I put myself down so much, and I cant break free, I cant stop thinking the way I do.

I feel so needy, and clingy - I hate it. I don't really know what I want from this thread really, I guess I just wanted to let it off my chest..

I am looking to get some help .. pay privately to talk to a counsellor once I am recovered from the delivery 2 weeks ago. Just felt like putting it in writing and expressing how I feel.

Thank you for reading x

I am glad you are looking to get some help and talk it all out...Sounds like you been v hard on you at the moment and your husband...you are doing the right thing so things will improve..Best of luck

Have you tried looking into steps to well being? It’s a telephone nhs counselling system which did wonders for me. The main thing I gained from it was ‘taking my thoughts to court’ to rationalise thinking. What you do is take the thought (he’s just looked at that girl/ he wants me to be like her etc) and our them on the stand in your mind- what evidence was there he was thinking that? What actually was said? Why actually happened? Is there any evidence to back up this feeling? If not then you tell yourself it’s your mind playing tricks and you move on. Another thing I had to do when I was younger (a bit younger than you are now) was a self mantra- sounds mental but honestly over the course of a few months it actually made me feel better about myself. Every time I walked anywhere or did anything where I didn’t need my brain(cleaning, washing up etc) I’d say what I wanted to believe ‘I’m smart, I’m beautiful, I’m ok.’ Again and again in a pattern. It kept my mind busy and eventually I believed it. Also worked when I had massive anxiety over bike riding in the road! Haha ‘I can see them and they can see me and everything’s fine’ with every other peddle 😂. The main thing I can’t tell you about insecurity and self esteem is that honestly- it gets easier with age. I thought that was a load of bollocks but it’s so true. I’m having a bit of a wobble now after baby number 2 and how horrible over weight I am at the moment but honest to god I went from eating disorders and absolute insecurity 24/7 to honestly feeling like a) it didn’t matter AT ALL what I looked like. I was good at my job, good friend, good wife etc and b) I was pretty good looking really! (Not a boast, but we can all be pretty good looking when you’re all done up and on the wine- it does wonders for your self esteem!). I really hope you don’t feel like this much longer. It’s so draining and painful. It will get better xxxxz

Hold on- just re read this- have you just had a baby 2 weeks ago??? Wtaf?! You need to let the hormones rush over you and get through the first few weeks. It’s horrendous on your self esteem, you’re in an alien body over night after having 9 months to get used to the old one! God I feel your pain xxx