Childhood is still haunting me :(

[Gruffalomom]

I'm middle aged now and raising children of my own but my rotten childhood is affecting me now more than ever and I would so appreciate any advice on what to do about it?

I grew up in pure squalor. My DF was at work 7 days a week and my parents had a very traditional marriage, so he rarely lifted a finger when home.
I really do mean squalor, I remember well trying to clean my room at about 6 and finding dog poo on the floor under clothes and other rubbish.
Friends parents often commented (privately, but repeated to me by friends) that mum was weird, but no one ever did anything about it.
My parents never engaged with my dsis or I really at home, didn't ask after our days or our friends. We had toys and were mostly fed when we were younger - left too it really from secondary age. Our clothes were never cleaned or ironed and we didnt have enough of them.
My DM was often mean, I remember very well walking to school aged 5 and complaining that I didn't have something and her turning to me and calling me a little bitch. I was very much an adult by the time I was really able to realise that there is no way at all that that could have been my fault.
Fortunately our grandparents were all nearby and so we had lots of weekends (most really!) At one of their houses. We were well loved and cared for there and always sent home bathed and with clean clothes.
I left home after GCSEs.
My parents still don't bother much. Even now I have DC they are sporadic - they visit 2-3 times a year despite living close by. They never get birthday cards to us on time, never send a message just asking how we are.
And it still bothers me. I should really know better now but it's still painful.
I lost my last surviving grandparent last year and I honestly feel like I've been orphaned.
My DM took on the funeral, and made us all wait 6 weeks so that her and my DF could go on their booked holiday first.
To make matters worse my DM is executor of my grandmother's will and is making a mess of it. Mostly she just isn't doing anything. There isn't much money to be had, but she made a request for her ashes but they are still sitting at the funeral directors. It's quite upsetting.
The thing is I never say anything to them about the damage they've caused. I know if I did it would be a blow up as they will make out I'm being mean so I endlessly keep the peace - have done for the last 25 years since I left and even before that.
Sorry for the waffle, I just have no idea how to move past all this. Felt good to talk about it though - even if only in a post!!

I should add that I'm NC with my dsis for the last couple of years. She is just like my DM and her children similarly suffer which made it very hard to do but for my sanity and the sake of my own DC I had to do it - and I don't regret it, she wasn't a nice person. Social services are very much involved in her family so I know her DC are not abandoned

What would it cost you to just detach from them completely?
I mean emotionally and mentally.

They don't appear to be adding anything to your life at all - just taking away from it.

Might it help to talk to a counsellor about how you could step away from them in a healthy way?

You’re entitled to your feelings, for a start. It’s not ‘being mean’ to feel that you’ve been inadequately parented. The question is what do you do now?

You might find the Out of The Fog website helpful, it helps people with dysfunctional family relationships to move away from the feelings of fear, obligation and guilt that can engulf them.

I’m sorry you’ve lost your grandparents, they were obviously a big source of comfort. 💐

Hi @Gruffalomom, as a fellow survivor of a neglectful and emotionally childhood I can totally understand your feelings of being 'stuck'. It often takes to middle age and your own child raising to realise what a terrible childhood you were put through and it doesn't feel great does it? You must have loads of emotions swirling around - disbelief, shock, anger, sadness, grief.

I have escaped my family by going NC, been nearly five years now and that was after a lot of therapy to help me process my feelings. It's a long process to realise that most of what happened wasn't normal and that I had effectively been brainwashed into accepting abusive behaviour. All my feelings of anger, rage, indignation etc had been suppressed for years. I had no boundaries and very low self esteem which caused me to find other abusive relationships. I have found true peace by getting it all out and making positive changes in my life. You can too.

What you feeling is totally normal Op, your description of your childhood is very sad, and none of it was your fault. Perhaps you need to find a good therapist to talk to unravel the past. There is also a Stately Homes thread on MN where people talk about their experiences and get advice. It's very cathartic to write down these 'mad' experiences and have other people validate them for you.

It's very confusing and upsetting to realise that your childhood has been stolen by inadequate, selfish or mentally ill 'parents' but realising and accepting is the first step to recovery. Good luck.

emotionally abusive childhood

So sorry for what you've been through. Have you had any personal counselling or therapy? Do you have a supportive partner?

In the long term it might be best to phase them out, perhaps also sending them a letter to explain why. Good luck x

What a sad childhood you had Have you ever had any counselling to help you make sense of it & how it continues to affect you?

💐OP

Thank you so much all of you for your kindness, from the bottom of my heart.
That's the first time I've ever really acknowledged that it was so awful.

I've never considered NC , I'm not sure why.

I've never had any counselling but I have a fantastic DH. He is really understanding but quite baffled at how I deal with parents visits. I get quite anxious and I'm careful at what I say and how the house is (I'm very clean and organised in my home). I'm fully expectant of some kind of disguised criticism which he finds off given they don't really have any grounds to criticize!

Dacquoise I'm so sorry for your experience, and thank you so much for taking the time to post. I can see you absolutely understand where I am right now.

That does sound bad. And stressful. Thank goodness for your grandparents is all I can say. There have been a few threads in the last few months about neglectful childhoods and I too can relate to them as my parents left us to bring ourselves up pretty much and if it wasn't for my maternal grandparents things would have been a bit grim. My gran (who all 3 of us definitely loved more than our mum) used to say "I don't understand your mother" and I expect your grandparents felt the same. Just be glad you have not repeated history and your children will never have to feel as you did. My parents actually improved with age, as an adult they were better (no emotional support but they would cook a decent meal when we visited!) but it sounds like yours haven't really so keeping them at arms length sounds like the only approach here. Would tackling them help? They probably don't think they've done anything wrong or would hardly remember I expect.
The result of my childhood is that I overbuy clothes so the children never have to feel the stress of not having enough clothes. I once got a free bandana for the dog with some dog food and my son rolled his eyes and asked if I had now started buying clothes for the dog too! Happy to walk round like a bag lady myself though! Really baffling why some people have children and not cherish them. I am sorry to hear your sister has turned out like your DM and not been there for you as a fellow survivor as it were. Hope you will take comfort in the fact you definitely aren't alone and that you have created a happy family of our own in spite of dreadful role models in your parents.

@gruffalomom I am so sorry you having a bad time 💐
When you are busy getting on with life its hard to acknowledge your past until something major happens.
I had the same, a bad childhood but my nan was always there for me. I had her until my mid forties but I still miss her every day.
Like you struggled terribly with boundaries and abusive relationships but am getting there. It is never too late to say, enough, I deserve better.
In your now more experienced years it really is ok to deal with this as you feel happiest.
I used to feel so envious of others who have had a relatively loving supportive upbringing. I often wonder if I had that, that I would have made better choices? I had so much potential but instead sqaundered that on people pleasing, anxiety and feeling I was never good enough. So yes it does haunt you badly.
But today, you CAN make changes. None of what happened to you was ever your fault. You was a lovely innocent child who deserved love support and encouragement. So give it to yourself, rid yourself of the negative consequences.
I really believe that you can see the fact you got to this point as a wake up call that you are not going to tolerate this any more.
Find a good therapist and look at the laundry list of adult children of alchoholics online. ( even if addiction etc. Was not present in your upbringing it good to see that it has the same effect such as neglect andcemotional abuse) it will help you see you are quite normal to feel as you do.
Use this thread to journal how you feel moving on x

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786141-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-January-2020-onwards

Come and join us x

Mcmooberry I can completely relate to the overbuying of clothes! I do the same for my two :)
I am also paranoid about keeping a clean house. I don't think I'm one of those that love cleaning more I have an absolute terror of my house falling into the same state. I cannot leave washing up , or the putting away of clothes or the cleaning of the bathrooms to the next day - I have a full on fear this will lead to the pigs sty I grew up in.
I also am fussy about providing plenty of home cooked food (I had no idea as a child that shepherds pie could be created...I honestly thought it came only in individual portions from the freezer !) And ensuring they always have a drink at hand. I vividly remember being 8 and seeing a classmate with a britvic orange pencil sharpener in her pencil case and being utterly fixated on it as I was so ridiculously thirsty.
I think we can definately tend to overcompensate...

Yes I do understand but I wanted to reassure you that you can deal with your feelings about it and move on. I got unlucky in the parent pool, from what you say so did you but you can make the buck stop with you and prevent this from interfering with your life and your own family. You sound like you made a good choice with your husband so you already have that magical insight and resilience to survive. Hugs to you.

Thank you hero I will head over shortly

And thank you again so so much for to everyone for the kindness and understand. I'm so sorry to read this is familiar to so many

You had an awful childhood, OP, and that leaves scars. But you have raised your children and you are in a loving relationship, and that says you are able to form strong healthy attachments to others. Good therapy can really help - in particular, it can help you re-parent yourself via a safe relationship with a trusted person who isn’t a friend or family member and who won’t make demands of you. I think mid-life can really open old wounds because we are in a process of re-evaluating the journey we’ve taken.

Hi op. Sorry to read about your childhood. You suffered terrible neglect and emotional abuse. I suffered a similar childhood myself and also abandonment. Like you I am left with obsessive cleaning habits and parenting anxiety. After years of being angry, telling myself 'it wasn't that bad' and trying to forge a relationship with my useless parents, while all the while I was so angry; I eventually decided I'd had enough and went NC. I thought it would cause a riot but they responded with nothing. They aren't even bothered. At first I couldn't believe it but to be honest it's been the best thing that could of happened. I've since been working on myself and my mental health. I've realised that they're toxic and bring me nothing but negative feelings. I can now truly move forward with my life. Xx

I can not recommend therapy/counselling enough. Just literally sitting there and telling someone how I lived as a child was such a release. It's a pain no one can understand. I still to this day can have days where I just sit and feel so bloody angry at my mother. The one person who should if protected and cared for me treated me worse than a dog.

My mother had addiction issues. We lived knee deep in filth. Hungry, cold and frightened. Horrific.

But therapy really helped me process my emotions. I'm still a food hoarder, I'm much better at letting my house get a bit messy without getting panicky. I still absolutely ruin my children by doing literally everything for them, I've been a bit too nice and they are now lazy lol. But I'm more at peace with my childhood as the years go by it gets less painful x

It's great to hear that therapy has helped for many of you, and very sad to see just how many of us have had similar experiences.

I will definately look into therapy now. I think I have spent a lot of energy trying to prove to myself that it didn't matter, I survived and that it hasn't emotionally hurt me - which I can seen now I'm raising my own children is of course ridiculous.
I feel our of my depth entirely sometimes with my own parenting - which I know is normal for most parents - but then I hit a bit of a special of panic where I feel like I'm going to ruin there childhood as I am my parents daughter.
My children are happy, healthy and we and they have a wonderful network of friends where we are ( my parents dont have any friends and they've lived in the same house for 50 years) so I know I'm not like them but it still niggles at me when I'm feeling low.
I suppose counselling would help with things like that?
Liquorice that's so awful that they havent bothered about you going NC, I'm sure you already know that it is entirely their loss. You sound like an amazing and very strong person

Thank you!
Honestly, them letting me go so easy has really helped my progress. The only thing useful that they have ever done for me. My main goal in life is to break the abuse cycle for my children. When I look back through my family, each generation that I know of, is or was dysfunctional. I think it's easily done when all you know is abuse. It's great that you can see what happened to you was wrong and not your fault. I agree with others regarding counselling, it really helps to get it out. I've never had any personally but that's because deep down I'm still looking for a mother figure and I worry I'll confuse the therapist/patient dynamic. It's something I'm working on for the future though. I hope you find some peace and clarity, whichever route you choose x