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Original poster

Should I leave for good?

26 replies

SE88 · 03/02/2020 10:08

I've been with my partner for almost 5 years now, and we have a 3 year old child. I have a child from a previous relationship. Initially, things were wonderful and I genuinely believed I'd found the one. He discussed marriage a lot, and made plans for us to save up and buy a home together. Fast forward to now, none of that has happened. Our relationship started to become strained after I gave birth, but I knew that this could happen. However, things began to get worse. I work part time and he earns 4 times as much as I do. He used to help financially, but not fully 50/50. His claim was that he was saving £1000k + per month towards a deposit. This deposit has never materialised, I've never seen evidence of it. We had a huge fight, and broke up for several months.During this time, he was quite nasty at times if I'm honest, taking away the car and refusing to help. As stupid as this may sound, we became civil and we decided to try again, and things had been going okay. I was unsure if I wanted him to move back in again, and so I said that it would be a good idea to discuss how he would help financially seeing as the last time his lack of help caused a lot of issues. He still maintained that he wants to save £1000k+ a month towards deposit, and as the conversation continued, he basically admitted that before we had broken up, he had no longer wanted to be here and that was why he stopped helping as much. I then remembered that during that time, he had become increasingly distant and I kept saying that if he no longer wanted to be here then it's best that he leaves. It also dawned on me that during that time, he was still claiming to save money for us to buy a house, but surely that wasn't the truth as he no longer wanted to be here??? He said things are different now, that we no longer argue and things are 'good' but I just cannot get over the fact that instead of communicating with me at the time, he let it build up and basically left me financially struggling at times because he no longer wanted to help, but still stayed in my home rent and bill free. There are also issues with his family, whereby he would tell THEM about our problems and not me, to the point where I no longer speak to them. He has made me look like I'm the sole cause of our issues, and not taken any responsibility for his part. Deep down, I know that I just should leave for good. I've got no one to confide in as none of my friends like him anymore after all the stuff I've been through with him. I'm not really sure if it's advice I'm looking for, but I do feel very confused and also very very hurt.

OP posts:
user14928465 · 03/02/2020 10:12

It's never actually been a partnership by the sound of it. Was this a "swept off your feet" scenario at the beginning?

user14928465 · 03/02/2020 10:13

Maybe you should think about doing the Freedom Programme to reset your idea of what constitutes a healthy relationship and what is a warning sign it's going to turn to hell.

Sparkletastic · 03/02/2020 10:14

You have a child together?? He is not 'helping' he is supporting his child. Or rather he isn't. He sounds selfish and unreliable. End it and seek proper maintenance via the CSA.

Buggedandconfused · 03/02/2020 10:15

OP, none of this is ok. He is using you, financially abusing you, gaslighting you. He sounds generally abusive and lacking empathy.

It never gets better. Have you read any self help books? Lundy Bancroft ‘Why does he do that’ is a good start.

OnAQuestForHappiness · 03/02/2020 10:15

@user14928465 Yes, it was indeed a 'swept off your feet' scenario :-(

OnAQuestForHappiness · 03/02/2020 10:20

Thank you for your replies so far, I didn't think I would get any so soon. I actually feel incredibly ashamed as the responses given are exactly what I would say to a friend if they had the same problem. I do think that I need to explore what constitutes as a healthy relationship as suggested before. Thank you x

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 03/02/2020 10:25

So where are the thousands of pounds he's been saving for a deposit?
Even putting that away every month he would still be earning more than you so should pay at least 50/50. He

DearHappy · 03/02/2020 10:29

Name change op?

He lived rent and bill free? Are you living together now and what is he paying?

OnAQuestForHappiness · 03/02/2020 10:31

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion He claimed that he had been saving it in a family member's account so that he didn't spend it......then spent a huge chunk of it when we split up. If anything, this thread is really making me open up my eyes to just how stupid and naive I've been. It's one thing thinking it to yourself, quite another actually being told by others that he really is a POS.

Divebar · 03/02/2020 10:33

Sorry OP... he’s an embarrassment. He should be ashamed of himself but he won’t be. He’s taken you for a ride.

OnAQuestForHappiness · 03/02/2020 10:33

@DearHappy Sorry yes, I did change it. He didn't pay towards rent, and bills weren't always 50/50, he took on one then would contribute to others but this was not always consistent and eventually dwindled to nothing. We are not living together now no, but it had been suggested hence the conversation that followed that led to me posting this.

Divebar · 03/02/2020 10:35

Just seen your update - utter bollocks. Why couldn’t he keep it in your account and let you manage it? What did he spend it on on your break.... he’s absolutely lying through his teeth. ( he’s looking after himself while denying his partner & child)

OnAQuestForHappiness · 03/02/2020 10:41

@Divebar I honestly don't know why. To my understanding, he spent it on things for himself, I never saw a penny. You're right, he was lying and very likely still is. I just don't understand why anyone would do that to someone, ESPECIALLY the mother of their child. But one thing I do know, its 100% over and staying that way too.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2020 10:44

Oh god. He’s fucking awful. End it, for good this time.

Divebar · 03/02/2020 10:57

OP I’m really not one for LTB at the first sign of problems but this doesn’t sound good from any viewpoint. I’m really sorry it must be rough but I think the fact you’ve already been separated and he hasn’t yet moved back in is a good time to put the breaks on it.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 03/02/2020 13:18

He's a liar op. Leave him.

Pinkbonbon · 03/02/2020 13:30

You'll never see a penny of that 'deposit' money. It was a (quite frankly, rubbish) excuse to have you pay all the bills.

He is a manipulative, nasty asshole op, keep yourself away from him. Youtube videos on narcissists from other ppl who have been through their shit might be worth a watch.

Pinkbonbon · 03/02/2020 13:44

Actually, for the sake of paying your way I'd give it 'I'm not even going to consider taking you back until youve paid back ALL £ which is your half of the rent and bills and childcare for the last several years'.

Then if he does pay it 'thanks for doing the right thing and squaring things up, but we are still over'.

He'll kick off like a little bitch but at least you'll have the satisfaction of knowing he had to cough up what was owed.

wobblywinelover · 03/02/2020 13:54

He's a massive future faker and his actions are not of a loving partner or father. Taking away the car? Refusing to help? He sounds like a total loser and manipulator. Because you earn a lot less than him he thinks you'll stay and put up with it and he can dangle any old carrot in front of you, particularly now you have his child. I'm so sorry OP, think you need to get some legal advice here

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/02/2020 14:04

He earns 4 times your salary and left it to you to pay all the bills/rent because 'he wasn't sure he wanted to be there'!?

Sorry, but he has taken you for an absolute mug. Do not let him move back. I hope he is at least contributing for his DD.

And where are all these mythical thousands of £££s that he has saved?

I would also suggest getting some legal advise. He owes you for backlog of bills and rent.

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 03/02/2020 15:55

An over entitled cock lodger, and very greedy with it. Make him pay maintenance for his child - don't let him move back in, he is a cunt and you can do much much better.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 03/02/2020 16:59

Go to CMS to get maintenance sorted.

OnAQuestForHappiness · 04/02/2020 16:26

Thank you to all who replied. Child Maintenance was sorted out last year thank goodness, and as you can imagine he was NOT pleased at all. I’m half tempted to print out this thread and give it to him to read but he still wouldn’t see that he’s done wrong so there’s no point really. I’ve very calmly told him that it’s over for good and that I’m not going to allow myself to be used and abused. He’s not taking me seriously and had the cheek to mention Valentines Day!!!!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/02/2020 16:30

Good for you.

I can't believe he can't understand that not paying for your own rent and bills is not OK! You are so much better off without this deluded fool. Flowers

AddictedToLoveIsland · 04/02/2020 16:49

I think just carry on claiming the child maintenance and go your own way. It will at times be a struggle but in the end you won't have the hassle of him being around.