Should I buy another property with H after I discovered he had a one night stand in May this year?

[Riss70]

H and I relocated come 600 jiles from family in January this year and we are renting - we have sold one property back home and the other is to go to auction in October. The house we are living in has been sold and we must move out ib mid October. Should we buy another property considering I discovered he had a one night stand in May of this year. We have been attending counselling togetehr and he ahs made many changes but I am still very nervous and find myself being a real bitch when it loks as though we have found a property we are interested in. Any words of wisdom MN's....please help!

oops sorry for the terrible spelling it is 7:30pm here and I have bathed and gioven the children tea and had two merlots to try and calm my nerves a little;-)

I mean 600 miles from home and that we have to be out of this house by IN mid October and there are a few others that don't apepar to confuse matter too much

Blinkin hell I am going nuts with this hosue hunting stuff and the thought of buying another propoerty with him is torment despite him making all the right noises and moves since the infidelity came out

Do you have to buy another property to have somewhere to live in? If you are still feeling unhappy about things, better stick to renting for the time being and persist with the counselling if it's helping.

DOn't know your situation exactly (obviously) but you maybe need to think about whether you actually want to stay with your H or whether you just want to keep on punishing him, in which case it might be better, for both of you, to separate.

I don't spend my time punishing him and generally keep it as a rule to maintain any discussion relating to his infidelity to the counselling except when I have a really bad day and then I just let him know this via email so that before I get home he is aware when I get home I try NOT to be bitchy rather just not as communicative

AND as far as renting and buying.......we are paying so much in rent it seems such a waste also I would like to give the children some stability considering they have been throguh so much upheaval this eyar already (with the move I am talking about)

He does not want to seperate and I donot know....I would liek to think I can get past it but it is something that goes against my grain........I don't have a problem with people who are ok with it one of my best friends is in an open marriage and both aprties have asked me to join them at one stage or another.....I do not think what they are doing is wrong it is simply not for me

I was thinking about putting the idea of a pre nup type agreement to him just stipulating that he leave the family home if he is ever unfaithful again....don't know entirely confused

i think you need to decide whether you actually want to stay with him before you make any long-term plans.surely buying property would be something to consider if you have decided you definitley want to stay with him and make a fresh start?

Agree you need to be more sure ,otherwsie you could end up in a very awkward situation from which it coudl be costily to extract yourselves if needs be. Very unlikely you'd be able to buy by mid October anyway so think renting would be better short term until you have a more clear resolution to your doubts.

Be careful I tried to take H back many times - I just could not get past it (although in my case was full blown affair and she managed to get herself pregnant as well )...bu a huge part of the difficulty in actaully accepting that we could not do it (on both parts) was the joint properties we own business etc made it much harder ...why not just rent for a year accept the money will be wasted but your energy into seeing if you can work on your marriage and set yourself say a year to decide if you want to buy - a year is not that long ..good luck

That is what I have been thinking and I don't want him to think tha what he has done is ok and all is forgiven - I think that I do want to (or at least feel as though I SHOULD) try and work it out - hence the counselling......

As for timing that really isn't an issue we could buy and be in there the week we need to move out of the current rental

It would be an awkward situation to extract from....very

Thanks for the WOW and yes the joint investments make it so much harder to go seperate ways.....the marriage had deteriorated to the point of a co-existance when IT happened and I beleive that had it have been a simple matter - no children and no joint investments then we would have simply gone our seperate ways

Since his infidelity we have been doing a whole lot better and the counselling has no dobut helped....H is definite about wanting to buy and I am holding the reservations....maybe a year is a good idea but what about a pre nup type thing?

Riss I dont think there is any such as a prenup like that, it certainly wouldnt be worth the paper it was written on and it certainly wouldnt stop him being unfaithful again, if you have to put so many conditions on him then I doubt your relationship will survive it, I certainly wouldnt buy another property with him.

You are probably right...same as the leave it 12 months and then think about it....the only condition I wa thinking was that if it occured again that he would remove himself from the family home and not remove the children with him (previously when I asked him to leave he threatened to remove the children if I forced the issue)

i would find a long term rental, perhaps for a year or two until you're more sure. you need to be able to trust him again before taking on such a large commitment.

Wow, he's unfaithful to you and then threatens to take the children when you want to split up. That's some brass neck he's wearing there.

I reckon you should consult a solicitor just so as you know where you stand if you do decide to go your separate ways and in the meantime follow your feelings about the house-buying. Is it the threat of him fighting you for your children which is making you stay with him?

It certainly has some impact......you see I am the bread winner and he is the one at home with the opportunity to up and go whilst I am at work so it has always had some impact and here in Australia I may be able to get the children back however it would be a long drawn out ordeal for all concerned

When I say I am the breadwinner he does work but it is casually (2-3 mights a week) at pubs and clubs whereas I work Monday to Friday in a v well paid government job

They have introduced what they call co-parenting which is wodnerful for the children however if one parent decides to take off with the children getting the matter setteld in the family court can take quite some time and I beleive that he and his family would make things very difficult for me (I am modern woman who very obvisously does not understand that her place is at home cooking cleaning and pickingup after her man which has caused problems with my inlaws since we had children his father even told him to 'get a better model, one that will pick up after you and knows her place')

are the marital assetts divided equally?

that varies dependant of where the chidlren reside or visit and the input into the family situation they do thankfully take into account unpaid work such as day care and house/yard keeping so things are supposed to be fairer for all

if you mean in our current situation yes they but it is traceable the input into assests through banking and accountants as are the child care arrangements needed cause he needs to be with his mates or have time to himself whilst I am at work (I reminded him that I do not have this time)

Oh I shoudl add that until the infidelity he worked full time of an evening so he was working 5 nights a week behind the bar he quit when he was unfaithful and ahs been trying to find fulltime day work but since that time has been working 2-3 nights a week casualy at another club. I know this sounds terrible but even when he was working fulltime evenings my income has always been at least 30% higher than his per annum and I had assests (house and car etc) when we got together where as he had only his personal items living in a shared flat.

I think you're muddling things in your mind. It's not the one night stand that should stop you buying property. It's whether or not you are going to stay with him.

i dont know much about how thimgs work where you are but i know in the uk there has to be a very good reason why a mother wouldnt get custody of her children over her husband.

he sounds like a bully to me,threatening to take the kids if you throw him out after he's done wrong

if i were you i would be getting legal advice to find out what my rights were wrt to custody of the children,and being able to stay in the family home after youve kicked him out and filed for divorce.

it doesnt sound like you want to make it work because you love him,thats for sure.

Here it is highly likley that I would gain custody (or residency as they now call it) after a court battle but if he were to pack up and go with the children whilst I was at work it would not be until the court case was over that I could be reuntied with my children unless he decided to volunteer that

I don't know if I do love him anymore but feel it is important to try and offer my children stability (we do not fight/argue very often)

I have sought legal advice and basically unless he is violent, threatens violence or causes physical damage (and this could be a difficult one) I can not have him removed as the homes are in both names.

Hi Rizz named changed but you should still know who i am. My h had an affair ect....
I have been away and have only just about returned to normal, now that the kids are back to school.

I can totally understand where you are coming from wiht reqards being nervous about a move. It does sound as though he is desperate to continue with the relationship though and the threat about taking the children away was probably just that, we all say some pretty stupid things when upset and not getting our own way!!

He probably just wants to forget the whole thing and 'put it in a box' - which is exactly what my h wants to do. They find it difficult to deal with the guilt of what they have done to us. Try and hold that thought and even though you never wanted this you now have to make the most of it too.

You sound like me in that a pre-nup would not be for you anyway - its the whole thing or nothing, which is why you are finding it hard to get past it too.

I dont think you would be happy with 'conditions' attacted to the relationship anyway.

It is about what you want now and dont feel bad that you dont know yet. If he truely understands and wants to make it work then he will not push for you to buy either until you are both ready.

I really do know how you feel as my h is now trying to make plans for the future and find it so hard to look to far (dont really want to as yet), not even sure somedays if we will make it much further anyway. Not for want of trying though - but just is always there.

Try and live each day at a time (what the counsellor says) but it is so hard at times.
This is the man i thought i was going to be with forever just a few months ago and now i want to get my life back on track before taking on anything else.

Good luck and let us know how it turns out.

Hi

what a nice name change! I hope you are;-)

I think about all sorts of things as you would know....the more I think the more confused I get

I feel as though I would like the stability of a home but if the contents are shaken then the stability is a farce if you get what I mean.

He is trying very hard 99% of the time and making sure that I am part of the network he has developed at his new job rather than excluding me as he did at the other job (when the infidelity occured)....the threat to take the children worried me as he has ample opportunity and he has shown that he can be rash when upset/angry. The last thing I want is for them to be dragged into any dispute

I would rather not have conditions.....I would like to think that we can get through this without anything like that but sometimes I am just not satisfied with his verbal assurances....he had given them before about othr things allthough never followed through with actions like he has this time and so far (since May now) he has sustained the changes he has made in regards to being more family focussed and spending time in the relationship..

I don't know I really don't and today I have shunned all calls from the real estate agent and out solicitor so that I can think about things over the weekend and we can perhaps have some discussion about my confusion and the source of it..
anyway thanks for your support I really appereciate it it is positive and rational

cheers and take care

Oh yes and he does just want to put it away and forget it he said that at cousnelling - the next session we have willl be different as he is to go alone for the first 30-60 minutes then me and then the both of us - it'll be a long session but hoepfully will get us somewhere

He i persisting with the cousnelling despite not liking the situation and says that he can see how it's helping but admits that disussing the issue is uncomfortable for him

Please do not buy a house with him. If you have any doubts, don't.

I bought a house with a partner when I was unsure and sure enough 8 months later we split up. Two months on and I am still trying to get my name off the mortgage.

By buying together arn't you saying to him that you have already made up your mind and you want to stay with him long term? From what you have said about counselling etc, you don't seem to have made up your mind yet.

Also, I know you didn't ask for advice on this bit - but you are entitled to feel angry. Heck, you are entitled to throw cutlery and scream and hollah. He hurt you and he needs to know that and you need to feel that your feelings have been expressed and understood. I obviously don't know the whole story, but I think it sounds as if you are trying to be far too restrained about this. OK, things were not going well at the time but HE broke his marriage vow and HE is in the wrong.

I understand what you are saying about the kids and I know it is never easy. If you want to stay or go that is your choice, but don't roll over and play dead and supress all your feelings as that is the way to losing youself one day at a time.

Sorry if this post is a bit strong, you can, of course ignore me totally - but I do feel for you and felt strongly about your situation.

Take care of yourself.

xxx

thanks Duke and no it is not too strong - I like to hear many perspectives and hopefully that will help me makes heads or tails of the situation

I hope that you are in a better situation now than you were before and that you are able to get yor name removed from the debt.

I am simply trying to sort things out in my mind which with all that has been going on is quite a jumbled place right now

thanks again for your support and well wishes

you take care of you too ;-)