Is trial separation ever helpful?

[Earlgrey19]

Just that, really. It’s feeling like we need some space from each other. Not sure about whether we need to divorce or whether we can sort out problems. We’ve just started couples counselling. But we argue every weekend, and there are hair triggers. Then we sink further into feeling frustrated and alienated from each other, and on the look out for the next comment we don’t like. 2 young DC under 5. Wondering if trial separation just increases instability/uncertainty for the kids, and whether it can help things or not?

It really depends on what you mean by it.

I can see why space would give relief to an otherwise stressful situation. But is it really practical for you. It’s an expensive thing to do on a temporary basis. You need two homes.

Plus there is the emotional issues. Are you both free to explore other relationships?

Yes, it would be expensive and we don’t really have spare cash. No I don’t think we’d explore other relationships, it would be with the aim of getting out of the current cycles while thinking and talking about the problems (including with couples counselling). But maybe in reality it’d just increase distance and be hard to come back from, I don’t know.

I think if you do it then you both need to be very clear what the ideal outcome is. Are you hoping a trial separation will help you realise you miss the other and really want to make a go of things? Or hoping it will make for an easier transition into ongoing separation and divorce? If it’s one of these for one of you and the other for the other, it’s not going to be a fruitful exercise.

If you both want to stay together then I think it’s probably more productive to keep with the counselling and sort it that way. Are you communicating properly? What are the triggers for arguments and what can you both do to avoid them? Why do you each rise to the bait and start or continue arguments in the first place? That sort of thing.

For me, a "trial separation" was the only way my ex would agree to leave. There relief of him going and the palpable change to the children and my levels of anxiety was exactly the prompt I needed to make me realize that we could never live together again.

I think a trial separation can really focus the mind, but be prepared for one of you to realize that it's over, rather than focus you on getting back together.

I think some space can be a great thing. It will either help you realise that you do still want to be together or not. It’s better than being stuck in cycles of arguing about the same stuff. What are you always arguing about?

We tried this after 12 years of marriage. We were always arguing and the marriage had become toxic. To try and save our marriage and our sanity I suggested he move out and maybe only comes home twice a week to give us some space and see if we missed each other. ExDh said that would be the beginning of the end and sadly he was right.

The problem I found was I got used to living without him and then started to resent him coming home twice a week, I dreaded it. We were still arguing but we had lost the closeness that comes with living and sleeping together. Eventually we became married in name only and we split last summer after trying this for 5 years. I would say if youre thinking of separating it probably is over, it's just a matter of time. Good luck

In our case he moved out, I quickly realised I didn't want him to move back. A trial is useful from an emotional point of view but only in one case do I know a couple that got back together

Of my 2 friends who have gone through trail separations, one decided that she was better off living without him so set the divorce in motion within weeks and the other reconciled only to split up a year later due to the insecurity that had set in both her and her husbands minds accusing each other of seeing other people whilst they were separated. Trust was gone really the minute trial separation was mentioned.
One party will always see it as a Hall Pass rather than a time for reflection.

Just before my second was born I asked my then husband to leave for a week, we were going through a really awful patch. He only agreed to a week, and came back as planned. I loved that week without him so much that it gave me the courage and confidence to leave him for good 2 years later. It was easier for me to put up with the 2 years he was back because he worked overseas a lot and slept most weekends and I didn't have to see him much so I had lots of experience of single parenting before I officially became one.