Partner said planned daughter was an accident.

[Akala]

Good evening everyone. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting and being a bit silly or if I'm justified in thinking this isn't "normal" for want of a better word.

We were watching a tv show and a character had accidentally become pregnant. We have a 4month old and I've been waiting for a coil since she was born. I started to say "if I accidentally got pregnant" he cut me off saying "what another one?" I was a bit shocked and said dd wasn't an accident. He said she was as she "wasn't planned for a specific time". Sorry if this is tmi. We had spoken about a baby, agreed I would get my coil removed in time for our holiday. It took a good few months of trying but we got there and had the most beautiful baby girl. He was the one who suggested trying! So wtf?! That is weird behaviour, no? I asked him why he said it and he just said he didn't want an arguement so that was the end of the conversation!

You planned the baby together and agreed to get the coil removed, so obviously he was fully involved in the decision. Maybe he was just a bit shocked that it happened so quickly. Take no notice. He's being an idiot.

He knew he was talking shite and closed the convo down.

Practice some phrases for the next time like...

“ O.K dick head”
“ are you fucking high?”
“Don’t start taking shit nob breath”

Re-start the conversation with "If you wanted a baby within a certain time frame and feel that our daughter was an accident as she wasn't born within this time frame of yours, there was nothing stopping you from wearing a condom". When he replies with "What?" You can reply with "When men don't want babies, they can wear a condom, if they don't wear one, the baby was obviously planned" then ask him if you dreamt discussing having your coil removed and him not insisting on wearing a condom

I have no advice other than dont ever let him say to her that she was an accident, even though she wasnt.
My mother told me I was and it devastated me. Although my dad did put me straight. My relationship with my mother was damaged because of it.

Maybe it was a poorly planned joke on his part. Not funny though.

Thanks everyone. It didn't happen super quickly, it was over 6 months so not like it was the first time. He would want me to take tests early every month because he was so excited!

Gingaaarghpussy Thank you for that I'll ensure he doesn't.

Sounds like he is re-writing history to me. How is your relationship in other areas?

This is a revision of history and it's a manipulation. If hed made a gaff, he would've explained it. He shut you down instead.

Any other manipulations evidenced?

Very odd
Don't let him shut you down in future. Just say you know full well we planned her and dont ever say otherwise again.
In fact tell him that tomorrow.
Is he a nob otherwise?

It does sound like a really odd rewriting of history. Does he do that often? Don’t like the shutting down of conversation not going his way either

Ask him to clarify what he meant. It may be that you agreed to TTC in, say, June, so that in his head you planned on the baby arriving in March or April; and when that didn't happen, her ultimate birth wasn't planned. I know it's illogical, but people do often think illogically.

I share other PPs concerns that he seems to be rewriting history which doesn't bode well. Or he is a bit daft. Or maybe he had a baby with a previous partner that wasn't planned and he momentarily forgot himself when he made this comment about your baby?

I would not feel comfortable having a second child with someone who said something like this and refused to discuss their rationale for thinking this way. What else is he going to twist to suit his way of thinking?

That is a very big deal, OP. How devastating to hear him say that after knowing you planned and tried for six months to have your beautiful baby! And then shutting down the conversation when challenged? Unacceptable!

Is this something he has done before? Try to convince you that the truth is a lie and then refuse to discuss it? If this is a pattern, he is a POS.

Are you financially independent?

What he said made no sense to you and also upset you - so the sensible thing to do is just to re-open the conversation, surely?

This won't be the last time he makes a comment like this to you or other people.

Never let it go, everytime he says it correct with facts he will either stop or you'll get fed up with the knobhead.

Some men want to blame someone when their life is impeded by children rather than accept their role in their life changing.

Odd behaviour.

I once knew someone who would often bring out a sort of "baby wasn't planned but we made the best of it" spiel whenever the subject of having kids, pregnancy came up. This nicely laid the foundations for his "she trapped me, but I'm a great dad who is staying for my child" sequel, which in turn set the scene for the finale of "I am madly in Iove with you, I never loved my wife, I have found myself in this desperate starcrossed situation and we should have sex immediately". He tried this with quite a few women.

I later got to know his wife, who would have been shocked to hear that the baby they tried for for over a year was an accident, or that she had trapped him - in fact, he was keen for her to be a housewife and have three more, she wanted to continue her career and wanted maximum of two!

He's apologised this morning! He meant because we didn't do what my cousins are doing which is starting and stopping ttc according to which month we want the baby to be born in! His first child was totally unplanned, happened after about 2 weeks! I really don't think there's anything sinister to it like pps have alluded to.

Glad you feel better about things, OP.

There is a good possibility that there is nothing sinister about this situation, but a lot of women here have a lot of experience with relationships and know problematic behaviour when we see it.

Just two things to think about:

Mature people discuss things with their partners. They do not shut conversations down because they "don't want an argument", leaving their partner to seek advice from strangers on the internet because they are so upset.

Are you financially independent? Can you take care of yourself and your beautiful daughter should anything happen in your relationship?

Wishing you and your family all the best.

Wereallsquare I had a string of abusive relationships including violent and sexual abuse before spending a long time alone and receiving help so I'm pretty good at seeing the signs. I built my career as a single parent to my eldest so as to ensure I will always be finanially independent. I also have a secret bank account in case things ever did go that way again so I'd be able to leave. I'd never give up my independence as I don't think that makes a sensible parent!

I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. Some men are a little ignorant of ttc and cycles etc. My dh thought that any unprotected sex would automatically result in a baby!

We had 2 planned dc together and fell pregnant within a couple of weeks for both and he was actually surprised it didn’t happen quicker

@Akala I am really, really pleased to read that. I sincerely hope you never have to break up your family and that your partner is always supportive and kind.

Glad you got it sorted OP. I think people just have different definitions of "planned". We were doing the "don't use contraception and see what happens even though we barely have sex and both have some potential fertility issues" method, so I don't consider DS "planned" in the same way as friends' babies who were tracking their cycles, timing when to have sex and in which position etc. But on MN, every baby that wasn't the result of a contraceptive failure is planned!
Doesn't affect how happy we were when I became pregnant, or how much either if us adores DS now. Sometimes it's just semantics!

Wereallsquare I learned during my single time. And I learned a lot from mn!

I would not let him close down conversations he does not like.