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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If you got married young, do you wonder what if...

48 replies

Easilyflattered · 01/02/2020 22:18

If, for your generation, compared to your peer group you married young, have you ever felt a bit restless and wondered what if? I'm turning 40 this year and have been with my husband nearly 20 years, which is longer than most my friends have been with their husbands, and my children are older than their children. I should count my blessings that I have a happy if slightly dull marriage apart from I'm slightly regretting not sleeping with more men before I got married because I wonder if I've missed out . Possibly I've missed out on a wholeload of heartbreak over the years, but I've also missed out on a shit load of romance and excitement. I'm so bored of him. Does anyone else feel like me?

OP posts:

Penelope301 · 01/02/2020 22:23

I’d love to have your situation! I’ve had the opposite so far. I suppose the grass often seems greener! And yes, although there’s been excitement there’s also been lots of heartbreak!

StLucia4 · 01/02/2020 22:31

im so bored of him yikes. I’d start fixing that sooner rather than later. inject new life into yr marriage. Make new plans, goals. If not, you may be heading for a different kind of ‘excitement’ you hadn’t planned for!

VodselForDinner · 01/02/2020 22:35

We met when I was 19, married at 23 (most of my peers married at around 30-35) and we’ve been together for 19 years now. Literally half my life with him and wouldn’t swap him for the world.

Being bored of your husband isn’t good. Are you more interested in someone else?

IckleWicklePumperNickle · 01/02/2020 22:45

Met at 21, married at 23. We're celebrating our 14th anniversary this.
Don't regret it, I was quite the rebel before I met my husband

Original poster

Easilyflattered · 01/02/2020 22:50

Vodsel that has the potential to become the problem yes. DH is older than me, and a younger man than me seems interested. Surprisingly, I'm nothing amazing to look at.

I've been through so much with dh, but I feel like when criticism was aimed at me for gaining weight after DC, I acted on it, when lack of sex was an issue after DC, I acted on it, and now, I'm married to this old man who leaves me bored with his conversation and in bed.

But he's a nice man, and a really good dad.

OP posts:

kittykatkitty · 01/02/2020 22:53

I'm not married but been with do since I was 15, so 32 years now.
We have wonderful adventures together

APurpleSquirrel · 01/02/2020 22:56

So have you spoken to your DH about this? You say you changed based on criticism you got, have you told him how you feel?

DH & I have been together since we were both 18, got married at 25 & been married for 15years this year. We love each other, have a good life, good sex life & yes it can be mundane at times but life is.

BlueEyedFloozy · 01/02/2020 22:57

Sometimes yes, we've been together since we were 14 (19 years) so are literally all we've ever known from a relationship.

I personally think it's natural to get a bit stuck in a rut with the daily grind but only you know if it's worth ploughing through and working to come out the other side.

It sounds like you are seeing a new "exciting" opportunity with someone different, if that's the case then you need to have a serious think about your future as an individual and how that will affect you both as a couple. The grass isn't always greener but it doesn't mean you need to stand still either.

APurpleSquirrel · 01/02/2020 22:58

Sorry I mean life can be mundane at times. We've had some great adventures, been through pretty much every milestone together & I can't imagine being with anyone else.

Sharkyfan · 01/02/2020 22:58

Yep I’m with you OP
but the fact that DH has turned into a bit of an arse might also be a factor

I’m trying to get the courage to make big changes.

Not sure how much factor my age was - I was 21 and he was 28 when we got together, we’re now 38 and 47.
But I have changed so much - for the better I think, in terms of knowing what I want and how I should/shouldn’t be treated, developing My self confidence and self sufficiency.
And we’ve just drifted apart and at some point stopped being a team.

KindKylie · 01/02/2020 23:00

I married at 24, and just feel lucky that i was never in the position of wondering if I'd meet anyone decent or want to have kids with.

I totally get the wondering but I genuinely love dh and we have loads of plans for the future too. He's a great husband and dad and I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on the memories we've made together.

BeBraveAndBeKind · 01/02/2020 23:00

We've been together for 24 years and married for 20 having got together when we were 18 and 20. I don't wonder 'what if' about being with the same person for so many years but I occasionally wish I'd gone to Uni before we settled down because I'm trying to gain qualifications now around a full time job and two teenagers. We were the youngest in our friendship group to get married, have children and buy a house.

He's waaaay fitter now then he was when we got married (I'm waaaaay fatter but he doesn't care). I still fancy him like mad and love spending time with him. We've had some rough times over the years but I wouldn't change anything.

What can be done to make things more exciting? Do you find him dull in all respects or only some? Can you do something to take you both out of your comfort zone to bring some excitement back?

Ilovepinot · 01/02/2020 23:03

I met DH when I was 19, so 24 years now and love him more.

BeBraveAndBeKind · 01/02/2020 23:03

Sorry x-post there!

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

BoswellsBollocks · 01/02/2020 23:04

Same here OP. About to turn 40 and been with DH for 19 years.

I’d had my share of ‘boys’ before DH but often wish I’d had more experience in life and in the bedroom before settling down.

I love DH but often wonder ‘what if?’

PickAChew · 01/02/2020 23:06

Married at 23. Divorced at 33. It was worse than being bored.

VodselForDinner · 01/02/2020 23:10

Vodsel that has the potential to become the problem yes. DH is older than me, and a younger man than me seems interested

Ah, so you’re not worried you missed out when you were younger, you’re worried your missing out now.

Basically, you’re looking for other women to tell you they settled too young to support your justification of contemplating an affair.

If you’re not happy with your husband, end the relationship and shag anyone you want. Involving someone else now will solve nothing.

Original poster

Easilyflattered · 01/02/2020 23:16

I worry I "settled" too young because I had an unhappy childhood and because this slightly older bloke was a way to get my family off my back. Once married to him they had to acknowledge another man's point of view, and he has always looked after me. And I did love him when I married him. He has never put a foot wrong.

It's me that's changed.

I'm really appreciating all the different view points being put forward, I'm aware I might need a slap...

OP posts:

Original poster

Easilyflattered · 01/02/2020 23:19

Slap taken from Vodsel

OP posts:

VodselForDinner · 01/02/2020 23:21

^ you’re worried you’re missing

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 01/02/2020 23:23

We met at school and have been together longer than you’ve been alive. Not bored yet and not interested in what might have been missed. We both feel happy and lucky. Really doesn’t sound like you’re on that page though, it sounds more like you love him as a means to an end?

VodselForDinner · 01/02/2020 23:26

this slightly older bloke was a way to get my family off my back

Sounds like he’s served your purpose.

Original poster

Easilyflattered · 01/02/2020 23:33

I do love him. I came into his life after a horrible broken engagement so I equally wonder whether he settled for me sometimes.

Maybe I should just get on with it like neither of us has much choice anyway. As a pp has pointed out there are worse fates than being bored.

OP posts:

VodselForDinner · 01/02/2020 23:36

If you spoke to him and he told you that he felt he settled for you after the broken engagement, now feels bored and has his eye on something else, what would you want to do?

HollowTalk · 01/02/2020 23:46

You say he hasn't done a thing wrong, but what about the way he treated you over your weight and over your sex life?

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