Have I married the right person..

[onedream]

Husband of 5 years together 8 years 2 kids..had a lads night out yesterday came home 9am this morning, spend all day on sofa with blanket over his head, no interaction with kids as hangover, his real

Sorry haven't finished yet..
His relative comes to our house after lunch they both go out and he is still not at home..spoke to him briefly he is drinking again..weekends like this don't happen often but when they do I bloody feel like a babysitter..
Not sure what do I expect I guess just to good old rant as I'm here on my own both kids asleep..

That's really shit.. do you ever get to do the same? Would you want to?

Well how often is it though? If it's once in a blue moon I wouldn't worry. I think all parents, mums as well, deserve some time that doesn't involve family life. Making family your absolute everything is not healthy if you have the opportunity to keave the kids with the other parent.

If it's making you question your marriage then you must have a much bigger problem than him having an oocasional night out.

When I go out..which doesn't happen very often..I have a meal, few drinks and I come home..I don't see myself coming home at 9am..Maybe 15 years ago when I was single..not now when I'm married and I have two kids under 4..

@Qwerty543 it doesn't happen often maybe I should be more understanding

That’s ridiculous behaviour. There’s a big difference between ‘making your family your absolute everything’ and staying out til 9am and starting off again later that day.

What is he doing til 9am?

I’ve been there OP. It feels awful and like you’re left out but on something you don’t even want to do anyway.

I gave my OH an ultimatum. He either stops or we stop. It took about a year of continuous let downs but I think he finally understands now. My son used to see him coming home at breakfast time drunk and wonder where daddy had been. That isn’t normal, healthy or a good role model. I don’t care how often it was it made us all feel rubbish. Especially as he spent all day in bed whilst I continued family life alone.

Now he goes out and returns at 3/4am. Perfectly fine, no complaints from me and we are much, much happier.

Why do you think he did it? Is he escaping real issues like work, health or your relationship.

You need to talk. What he’s done is wrong but, could be a cry for help

A cry for help or a shout to the bar for more beer? Cutting loose once in a while, ideal. All weekend drinking, alcoholic.

@Cottoneyed12 they all came from different towns so booked hotel rooms in hotel not far from us..first he said he will come home after meal..then around 3am..then he said he will stay in hotel with them..I mean I wasn't happy but ok he doesn't go out often fair enough I will look after kids and so I did..but I just hate him being dead on sofa all day I am up from 5.30am looking after both kids and he just goes out again this afternoon..

So next Saturday, why don't you get yourself up and out of the house before he's moving. Nice breakfast in a café - shopping - visit a friend - cinema - whatever you enjoy. Phone off - note on the kitchen table, saying, "Back later." And don't come home until late evening. (I'd be pushed to know what to do after midnight!)
He'll have to interact with his children when they're demanding three meals.
Bet you won't though. You'll just carry on enabling his behaviour.

@NameChangeNugget I think it's just the case of not know when to stop tbh..I don't get the idea of drinking till 9am..they all grown ups with adult kids apart from us with little kids..that is what baffles me they all came from different towns staying in hotel so fair enough..but our situation is different I have two under 4..

He needs to grow up then OP. If there’s no underlying issues then he’s being terribly unfair on you & the DC’s

You don’t say how often it is he does this - how often is it ?

This sounds like a rare event where family members have travelled so I personally wouldn’t object too much to my DH staying over at the relative’s hotel rather than waking the house.

However, my DH knows not to (regularly) get in such a state so he’s out of action the whole next day (minor hangover with reasonable sleep in is ok - and I’ve done it myself).

If he’s out like this all the time I’d be annoyed at him leaving me with all childcare with no help (and the cash it must cost).

However, it’s not fair to object to occasional nights out if you both get the chance to take them (irrespective of whether you actually do).

@katy1213 I won't because that's not me..my kids are so little I wouldn't be able to just leave plus I'm still breastfeeding the younger one..but I understand your point..unfortunately I can't do it plus I am a team player and I take marriage as a partnership where things are done together or if you need the other one to cover for you you at least let them know for how long..looks like my other half is not on the same page..

@Stephminx it doesn't happen often I agree to his defence I have to say they all went abroad few times and he didn't go but I also have to say none of them has small kids like us..i just don't get it why you have to get waisted..he is out again now so tomorrow will be ruined so that's the whole weekend of me looking after the kids while he gets hammered with his mates..our older child asked me last night and tonight at bedtime where dad is and he is feeling his absence..

Not being funny but everyone needs to escape and unwind (and I’m assuming there’s nothing dodgy going on with him being out so late). He’s missed the abroad trips, I’m assuming due to factors involved with young kids etc... but he is allowed out and so are you.

Now I’m not saying I’d be thrilled with this, but as a one off with people who’ve travelled to see him, I’d not stop my DH. And I’d not make him feel guilty about it either.

Him getting wasted beyond control (regularly - everyone others carried away at one point or another) I’d be annoyed at, especially if you’d agreed something else (eg home at 3am, by by 10 am to go out with kids etc...) but a chat about expectations / plans before the night out should be had in that regard.

You sound very needy in your post. Like all your time is devoted to family so his should be too, but people need a break sometimes. You should both get some down time.

And I have a 4 year old and a baby - I don’t think their dad missing an odd night’s bedtime is such an issue for kids (mine would ask where he was but I just say work and she’s fine with it) unless you are making it an issue. Which it sounds like you are.

@Stephminx thanks I am definitely not needy I have two small kids here so would appreciate some help from him today as today was definitely not agreed and he just left at 2pm and still not home now..
My little boy knows when it's the weekend as he is not going school nursery so he knows dad is off..I can't tell him dad is at work and I already told him dad is out with friends yesterday..I am not making any issue I did married for life and I am planning to be married for life..just came here to rant as I have no one to rant in real life..

Yeah, you don't sound needy at all! Just expecting your husband to actually help parent his children with you.

For me, it's the expectation that you'll just do it, there are no consequences for his actions. And you know, if it had just been last night, perhaps that makes sense. But fucking off again, at 2pm? Takes the absolute piss!

Are you able to get hold of him at all, OP?

@SanFranBear I am not trying to speak to him I know he is with his relative (who was one of the Friday meet up group)..I spoke to him last at around 5.30pm to tell him my older boy is asking for him but he said he is out going to another relative house (not connected to Friday meet up but in same town). To be honest I just said to him that if I can do one night with both my kids on my own I can do two too..so I think he is sulking..anyway I have locked the front doors now and left keys in so he might also stay wherever he is now for the night..

I don't think it's a matter of the OP doing what he does. He'll feel free to do the same the following weekend and she won't have a leg to stand on.

It doesn't sound like much of a marriage, tbh. Surely the whole point is for you both to be a team?