Cheating

[jean1982]

My husband is cheating on me with another woman, a woman he works with. We have had problems for a long time and I think we both thought it was over. When this all came out I found that I still loved him, really loved him. I feel devastated that I didn't see this before. We've been together for so long and have a child. We had a great life but our problems overwhelmed us and we drifted apart. I'm now totally heartbroken and can't see the light at the end of this. I want him to love me again more than anything but I know this is folly. How do I ever get over a broken heart?

I’m sorry this is happening to you - it’s devastating I know. Its a cliche, but true, it takes time - you just take one day at a time. Do things that make you feel good, take comfort in your friends and family and let them help you.

When it happened to me I thought I’d never get over it. I was wrong.

Has he left?

No, he's still in the home. I'm so sorry that you have gone through this too. I didn't know what a broken heart felt like and I wish no one had to ever experience it. Sometimes I imagine that he wants to stay but I know it's not the case. He needs to sort out a permanent place to stay. I'd do anything for him to stay with us but I know he won't. I'd happily forgive the affair and move on. He is being very distant and it's just making me so sad. I'm doing my best day to day but it really feels like survival at the moment. I get through 5 minutes and then it's just getting through the next 5 minutes. When I'm with friends I just get upset that they get to home to their partner and I've lost mine. I put a brave face on it, I only say that it's hard, I can't admit that I literally lie on the floor and sob every night. I cry to my mum a lot so she at least knows the whole truth. I know I need to pull myself together, I don't know how at the moment. I'll just have to endure it until it's over.

Sorry to sound harsh, but why does he need to stay until he finds somewhere permanent? It's prolonging the agony. And not fair on you. When i split from my ex I was devastated. I.e. had to lie on the floor at times. In hindsight, Feeling the misery and pain and reality was the worst but healthiest approach. Day by day (and a rebound a good long year and a bit later) helped. You will get through this. But I think he needs to go. For your sake. Why wait till he finds optimal alternative place to live? His living arrangements are his problem. He needs to go and tough if it's to a dump until he finds somewhere better.

I agree he needs to leave he cant stay in the family home whilst conducting an affair! He surely has friends/family to go to. Otherwise if he insists on staying and you are ok with him staying, he needs to be decent put his new relationship on hold until he moves out.

It is horrible I know, the heartbreak is almost a physical pain isnt it. Exercise helps even a brisk walk (i know you wont feel like it but make yourself) will help you gather thoughts.

Have you been to a solicitor to find out where you stand financially? If not do so asap. Lots do free half hour consultations. How old is your child?

I'm so sorry OP, don't even consider forgiving him, that's the worst thing you could do. Get yourself down to Citizen's Advice if you are in the UK to find out what you are entitled to financially and go and see a solicitor for the initial free consultation. Deal with things one day at a time. Also he needs to leave ASAP, couldn't he go and stay with a friend temporarily, or his parents? until he finds somewhere better? Not fair on you at all. Get angry with him and put your foot down. He's in the wrong for having the affair. Hurtful B*stard

I'm so sorry OP, don't even consider forgiving him, that's the worst thing you could do

@wobblywinelover Why?

@jean1982 You say that you both thought that the relationship was over? Had you talked about it together? Was there any communication at all or was it like living with a stranger? It was like this for me at the end of my marriage too. I 'm wondering have you been for couples counselling? Have you spoken to your partner about this? Does he know how you feel?

My exH also had an affair at the end of our marriage. You will get through this. I had lots of personal therapy, I can't recommend it highly enough. It's going to be tough though, you are grieving and that takes a long time to work through. You'll get there. I'm 8 years past it, 5 years with a new partner and on very good terms with my ex (we have kids) When I was at your stage I never thought I'd get here.

Look up hysterical bonding. Often when a partner cheats the affected partner feels more in love than ever, wants the cheating partner to stay, etc etc. Bear in mind the sudden rush of love you feel may just be this. You said you had problems before anyway.....can you really forgive an affair? Think long term. You're panicking now and you desperately want him to stay, but why?