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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this manipulation?

2 replies

User736549 · 01/02/2020 18:16

Hi everyone, just want to hear your views on this situation....

My DH's mum sadly passed away sometime ago, DH doesn't act normally when it comes to showing feelings, after he got the news he sat to do a crosswords while the rest of the family were sobbing and hugging... I know this is the way he deals with his feelings but it made me feel really frustrated not to be able to help him nor be able to talk to him. The next two months he went on a heavily drinking routine until one day he almost hurt himself seriously, I had enough by then and said that I will not watch him destroy his life without even knowing how he felt because he wouldn't talk to me... his reaction was to get upset with me and not talk for the whole day. At the end i sort of left things pass as I didn't want to cause him more pain or feel uncomfortable.

He gradually went back to his usual few drinks a week though he has never mentioned the subject of his mum, he does't even mention her which to me seems pretty bad.

One day he got quite drunk and made me feel awful without even noticing which made it worse for me, I said to him that I didn't have to accept things like that especially from him and that lately I was feeling sad most of times. He took things the wrong way and in his head I was ready to leave him. Again instead of talking to me he ignored me for two days only replying yes or no when i asked something.

The other day we were watching a tv show about depression and he said the only time he has had thoughts about taking his own life was when we argued and he though I was going to leave him. I am really scared of this as I feel somehow responsible for helping him. I don't know if he means it but this has put a lot of pressure on me.

Very long post and just wanted to see if I am exaggerating of if this is really alarming. Thanks

OP posts:
user14928465 · 01/02/2020 18:20

Is all the behaviour brand new since his bereavement or has he behaved similarly in the past?

It's not fair to tell someone if they do the "wrong" thing you might kill yourself. That is alarming.

User736549 · 01/02/2020 18:50

@User736549 he has always being awkward when it comes to talking about feelings and he has always drank a lot. But It definitely got worse after the bereavement.

I wanted to suggest to go to therapy but I know he will be really against it and might think I want to prepare him in case I want to leave!

OP posts:
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