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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My ex doesnt see he was abusive

20 replies

Love67 · 01/02/2020 17:44

Recently just left my ex boyfriend, hees been mentally and physically abusive to me for months, leaving me with bruises and leaving me scared to be in my own home, he attacked me the other day kneeing me in my stomach nearly ten times and pushing me over, worst thing is i am 22 weeks pregnant and also have a 4 year old, he has alot going on at moment but seems to take his anger out on me, everything seems to end up my fault. I feel isolated and alone, he tells me he will come to my work and get sacked if i block or ignore him, he doesnt seem to realise he is abusive, he has just started anger management classes and has been told he has a mental disorder aswell, my heads all over the place and i have no one to confined in. I dont want to tell my parents or friends what i have been going threw

OP posts:

justthecat · 01/02/2020 17:49

Clearly he is abusive.
You need to tell family and friends exactly what he is like, he could easily of killed your baby

pog100 · 01/02/2020 17:54

I know it's hard to tell them but the very fact you don't want to means they must care about you? I think you will feel much better when you have confided, just as hopefully you feel better for having said it here.
How in God's name he can't recognise that as abuse though is beyond me. Make sure you stay away from him as much as you can. Though presumably he is the father?

category12 · 01/02/2020 17:56

OP, you need to get help from Women's Aid and consider police involvement.

You're never going to have the right words to show him he's abusive and he's wrong - he doesn't believe he is and he thinks he's entitled to treat you like it.

If he turns up to your work, call the police. If he comes to your house, call the police.

If your older child is his, arrange contact through 3rd parties. Tell your friends and family what has been going on.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 01/02/2020 17:56

Part of the abuse is that they don't accept they're abusive.

So sorry you're going through this.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/02/2020 17:58

The first thing they do is isolate you. So that's the thing to change. Pick the most empathetic, kindest person you know and start by telling them. You've told us and that's great practise.

Voxx · 01/02/2020 18:00

You need someone to talk to. I would talk to the police in the first instance. You are pregnant and vulnerable. He has been abusive and is continuing to harass you. The police will have the expertise to advise you on how to keep yourself safe and what to do if he turns up at your home or work. I know calling the police sounds scary but please do it. You and your baby deserve to feel safe.

Why do you feel you cannot tell your family or friends? If they love you, they will want to support you.

user14928465 · 01/02/2020 18:00

Part of the abuse is that they don't accept they're abusive.

This is what I was going to say too. Plus it's a crime, why would he admit it?

Abusers don't have anger management issues. They are in control of their anger and manufacture it to terrorise you into submission. Otherwise he would have abused you in front of your friends and parents, not in secret.

Are the police involved?

Have you done the Freedom Programme?

Spoken to Women's Aid?

The isolation and secrecy are part of the abuse. You sooner you break those the better. Otherwise it enables him to continue.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/02/2020 18:03

I know someone with genuine anger management issues. Loses it in front of police, me, people with power over her life. Total disregulation. Not just one vulnerable person when they're alone.

user1481840227 · 01/02/2020 18:04

They very rarely accept, admit or acknowledge that it was abuse.
Unfortunately for the victim we often want (or feel like we need) them to admit it was abuse.
He knows that it's abusive, and he knows that he can continue doing it because you haven't told anyone.

You have to tell your parents and friends, that will keep you strong and keep you away from him. It will help you to detach.

Whatever he has going on at the moment is up to him to deal with, he has access to professionals at the moment so can seek help if he truly wants it. It's not your job to protect or rescue him. It's your job to protect and rescue yourself!!

Newmumma83 · 01/02/2020 18:08

His mental illness doesn’t mean it wasn’t abuse or what he did was ok, protect you and your kids and ignore his woe me bullshit. You have done the right thing

JWrecks · 01/02/2020 18:19

Good job leaving! I know how difficult that part is. But you can't keep this to yourself. If you do, you will end up back under his thumb.

You need to tell everyone. It doesn't have to be all the details, but the people in your life need to at least know that you left him because he was abusive, in order to support you properly.

You may be surprised to find that your friends and family have been suspicious, at the very least, for some time.

You must tell your boss as soon as possible that he is threatening to come to your place of business and cause a scene. Your boss needs to be prepared for this, as he or she may need to call the police if it does happen, and you need to pre-empt anything your ex might do or say so that you don't get sacked over it.

You also need to inform the police that there is the possibility of a violent man attacking you. They should be able to flag your address as priority.

Do these things so that you can block him from your life as soon as possible.

Original poster

Love67 · 01/02/2020 18:39

Thankyou everyone for your advice, i am going to speak to my mum tomorrow and speak to his mum also, i will be contacting the police due to threats he makes i need to make sure my homes safe for me and my babies, he is the father to my unborn and also wanted to help me with my 4 year old as his father stopped contact when he was one. I work for Tescos so hopefully telling the store manager i can get him barred. 🤍

OP posts:

Commonwasher · 01/02/2020 18:45

Glad you are getting sorted OP.

It’s not in his interest to admit he is abusive, so he probably won’t.

You know he is though, so you can protect yourself and your children. Best to report his behaviour to the police, also advise the children’s school or nursery of the position.

Document everything, a simple diary (write up the past as best you can) just so you have a record. Take photos of it on your phone or save copies electronically incase he ever finds it and tries to destroy it.

Wishing you much luck and strength!

category12 · 01/02/2020 18:53

OP, when the baby is born, don't let him come with you to register the birth and don't have him on the birth certificate.

It would give him parental responsibility that he may use as leverage against you - stop you going abroad on holidays/interfere with decision-making/try to stop you moving away etc. He can apply for PR officially if he wants it, don't just give it to him.

JWrecks · 01/02/2020 19:36

Good on you! You're so tough love, you've no idea! Please make sure you follow through with it, and don't let him back into your head. It's awful at first, but you may need the support!

I KNOW how it feels to want to keep that secret locked up tight. In my abusive relationship, I was probably more protective of that secret than anything else, staying looooong after I realised I needed to get the fuck out, just in order to keep that secret.

I didn't want my friends and family worrying about me, God forbid pitying me, or thinking I was stupid for getting into it. I really think I may have been more afraid of that than of him breaking my nose or strangling me, if I'm honest.

But nobody was ever weird about it, never once, and this was many years ago when my mindset and how I was mentally controlled were still called "battered wife syndrome"! People understood that he had done me wrong, and that I hadn't been at fault in any way. It was a breath of fresh air.

And those who knew about it, even just surface details, were able to protect me, to let me know if he came to my area or rung them to ask about me, to tell him "fuck off you'll never see her again and if you try the police will come" if necessary.

Scarydinosaurs · 01/02/2020 19:40

Him admitting he is abusive will never happen. I would forget all about that.

Prioritise the child you have. Look after yourself.

Have the police been helpful? Have you had a scan following your last attack?

justthecat · 01/02/2020 19:49

Keep that strength for tomorrow 💐

Weenurse · 01/02/2020 22:03

Good luck 💐

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 01/02/2020 22:43

No one is going to admit they are a vile human being who gets pleasure out of being nasty to people close to them. They will always think the opposite and blame others as it's too big a thing to face up to.

75Renarde · 02/02/2020 07:05

This man is incredibly dangerous.

DO NOT talk to his mum. That will throw oil on the fire!

Instead, full NC. Change the locks on your door. Tell your mum though as long as you trust her to help AND keep her mouth shut.

It might be advisable to move temporarily in with her if it can be managed? Right now you are vulnerable. You need someone else with you. When he works out you are in NC, he will try to Hoover you immediately. He will find you. Work is not an idle threat. Hell do it ditto your house.

If he can drag you back; he will. When he cant, his fury will ignite.

He couldve easily killed your baby or you and you are still very much in danger.

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