I need your thoughts, lovely people

[Unknownquantity2]

It's 2am and i've been scrubbing my husband's vomit out of my beautiful new rug. We've been married nearly 15 years. He got blind drunk on our wedding night and things haven't changed much. He doesn't get drunk very often but when he does, he's a mess and something gets ruined.

I love this man and he does have some great qualities. He's protective, hardworking, can be sweet, a loving father to our sons and we still laugh together.

Sadly the bad outweighs the good. He's moody, argumentative, controlling, he puts me down, criticises, swears at me (even in earshot of the kids), he's punched holes in doors (and blamed it on me for making him angry) and over the years has tried to flirt with women online (but never gone further to my knowledge). He never gives me compliments, is only affectionate in bed and gets angry when I wanted to change my career, telling me I live in fantasy land.

I'm just so tired of things now. I come from a good, loving family and they would be shocked if they saw how things are. It's become so normal to me now.

I'm also scared he would end his life without me as he is a depressive person. Part of me wishes he did have an affair so someone else would look after him and make him happy.

What do I do guys? I'm scared to let him go and break up our family.

I think the fact that you're cleaning up after him, yet again, says it all really.

He sounds abusive OP and I think you know what you need to do. It makes me wonder how self absorbed someone has to be to truly believe that abusive behaviour only affects the spouse. It doesn't. Abusive behaviour has a harmful affect on children. They can hear the shouting and the vomiting, the punching, the condescension and contempt. The bad atmospheres, the arguments, the walking on egg shells.

They absorb it all and it leads to untold mental health issues, anxiety, depression, low self esteem and worse, continuing the cycle of abuse. They either treat others like that or they get treated like that unless there's some kind of intervention.

All the while, their parents continue their dysfunctional dance thinking they're staying together for the kids but they're not. Staying together is harming the children. The parents can handle it and can get out if they choose, the children can't. They're watching from the sidelines miserable and powerless.

Without sounding to harsh, but this is a no brainier. End it already.

Guy sounds like an idiot. If the opportunity came, he would cheat on you (if he hasn’t already).

Your life sucks because of him, your not happy, your kids will suffer because of this relationship.

Every single one of these posts mention depression of some sort 🤣, mental health and depression has become the best excuse for treating your partners like shit it seems. Leave him, give him a suicide hotline number (optional 😬) and worry about yourself and your kids.

It’s only gonna get worse otherwise and you’ll be trapped in this hellhole forevermore!

He sounds a lot like my dad was when I was growing up. My mum stayed with him and after he hit rock bottom by physically assaulting an elderly relative he got sober and has been sober ever since. More than 10 years. But my entire childhood is coloured by the experience of living with an alcoholic dad.

We have a good relationship now. But my god my mum should have not put up with it and the impact its had on me and my adult life is actually increasing since I've had kids of my own and realised how messed up it all was.

I really feel for you. It's not easy there will be pain either way, but do you want to spend potentially years of your life trying to fix him / waiting till he hits rock bottom? For my younger self, I wish my mum hadn't.

What are your options? Can you list the out for yourself.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

Thanks everyone.

He's woken up sorry, but is also calmly discussing why we'd better off without him. How if he died, we'd get a big payout and i'd meet a better man etc. I think he's serious but also trying to get sympathy. I told him it's basically abandoning your kids and giving them the worst start in life.

I've booked him an appointment with a counsellor and he's agreed to go, which is a start.
I've got to see him through this part but i'm going to start putting a plan in place to become self sufficient and leave.

I know you guys are right, I just need to do this carefully, to protect us all xx

Maybe so e counselling for yourself would help you. Wishing you the best.

Can you get some support for yourself- counselling or a charity which supports relatives of alcoholics. I think that would be really helpful for you.x

Too many red flags here

Sorry x posted with Wind

It's very unlikely he'd go through with suicide.

You booking him an appointment with a counsellor is a waste of time. Unless he wants to change (and book himself an appt) then it won't work.

You are being abused. Do some research. Read why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. Go on the domestic abuse sites. Educate yourself. Then leave.

I will get some support, thanks guys. My head hurts from crying so I'm going to get some rest x

Yes, get some sleep then later on, please look into getting support for yourself. x

It's unacceptable. You know it is. He needs an ultimatum. The drinking stops. The reasons for the drinking are uncovered in counselling and the poor behaviour stops. Give him a time frame and stick to it. Enough is enough.

End it.

Meredith Miller has a really good clip on youtuber about The Danger of seeing the good in somebody.

Nobody is all bad and I'm sure there is good in him. BUT, your life is not a sacrifice to seeing the best in him at a huge cost to your potential.

I made this mistake for years. Although my x did a great job of making me believe that I owed it to him to focus on the good (dwindling as it did every passing year) and he somehow made me feel that I would be a cold hard unforgiving heartless person if I put my own right to walk away for that 5% ''good''.

I see it clearly now but it messed with my head. That right I had to call time on the relationship.

Good in him, bad in me, vice versa, he made it all seem very confusing but the relationship definitely was not working.

Please end it.

Tell him you wont get the insurance pay out of he does that, and you would be left high and dry without his income, and also the children will be without him!

I'm glad you are seeing a counsellor. I hope you will be ok.

15 years you've put up with this. By staying out of the fear of his threats of suicide, you are committing to year after year of the same unhappiness. You and your sons deserve to be happy. So does your DH, but right now, your priority is you and your kids.

Al-Anon, OP. Find a meeting and go. You're not responsible for him, you're responsible for you and your DC.

I agree with PP's and I'm glad you can see it too OP, you and DC deserve a whole lot better than this. The Lundy book is definitely worth reading, here's a link to a pdf version www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

It's also worth doing the Freedom Programme, think it's £12 for the online version but it's another good way for you to feel empowered and strong and that's what you need if you're going to do this freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

If you'd like some support with the effects of his alcohol issues AlAnon are specifically for families of problem drinkers www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

When you're ready I also think you should tell your family the truth about how this marriage has actually been, any shame is completely his and you could really do with their support. I hope you manage to get free, this is no life for you or DC

What's really stopping you from leaving him?