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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dealing with a difficult family member

9 replies

Raven79 · 31/01/2020 22:33

Hello. I wondered if anyone had any advice or experienced anything similar. My sister is difficult. She has been as long as I can remember. There has always been a drama. I used to drop everything and go to her to help. My fiance used to say "do you think she'd do that for you?" He took his life and she pretty much left me to it. She's since told me it made me more independent.

I turned 40 last year. My siblings organised a night in a hotel, a meal and a show. It was lovely but they complained about the meal and got refunds. I just enjoyed it for what it was.

My sister is turning 40. I'd suggested renting a holiday home near the sea and getting a cake. My brother actually shouted me down saying she won't want that. I didn't know he'd been talking to her husband and he had said she wouldn't like that. My brother has booked a tree house. I've gone along with it to keep the peace. He's also saying "she's said she doesn't want presents just money". He already knows we have booked the tree house.

Now she's had a row with my mum and told everyone to cancel whatever is planned. She argued with mum about not doing what she wanted for her birthday (she wanted Centre Parcs but it's too expensive). She's bought up irrelevant things from the past.

Now she's messaged saying she doesn't know why things are cancelled and that she's been crying and feels that no one likes her. She said she just wants to spend her birthday with her family. It feels manipulative to me. The tree house is still on but my mum did cancel a night out the week after.

I guess I feel obliged as she helped organise my birthday but I'm honestly so sick of it. She's ruined so many family get togethers then blames everyone else.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 31/01/2020 22:57

I'm sorry to hear about your fiance OP.

I'm going to let you into a secret: you are under no obligation to see your family. Shock, right?! You don't have to spend birthdays with them if there's going to be lots of drama. You don't have to spend your birthday with them if you don't want to. You're FREE OP, FREE!!

Go and live your life, go low contact, set up and maintain boundaries and organise a life outside your very enmeshed family.

sirmione16 · 31/01/2020 23:05

You know something? I saw a mumsnet hq automessage the other day that read "do not give anything emotionally, practically or monetary that you cannot afford" and it literally resonated with me. And I strongly urge you to take it on here. Don't go along with it just because you feel you should. If you feel in your gut it's manipulative, walk away. If she's draining you, walk away. Tell her oh I'm sorry, I can't make it lets have a coffee date or something another time. Don't need excuses, just ignore the questions. Look out for you. She sounds a drama queen, and sounds like you've been as quiet as a mouse to keep the peace. Don't do it anymore, put your feet up and have a glass of something nice. She's an adult, she'll get over it.

AlwaysCheddar · 01/02/2020 08:08

No, don’t organise it!!

leckford · 01/02/2020 08:11

Some family members are unpleasant, grabbing, envious etc. Best to walk away

crosser62 · 01/02/2020 08:13

Firstly I distanced myself.
Then cut ties entirely.

No way would I be friends with someone so difficult so I don’t see why being a relative means I have to put up with it.

Honestly, it’s like a weight has been lifted.

Raven79 · 01/02/2020 18:32

Thank you everyone. I'd not heard the term 'enmeshed family' before and I'm shocked as it sums up my family. I really do need to start stepping back.

If she wasn't my sister she certainly wouldn't be a friend so I don't know why I've let her behaviour be acceptable for so many years.

Her 'husband' has sent messages (although I suspect it's her) saying "why has the night out been cancelled, why does it have to be this way?" But it's her constantly causing the drama and she said to cancel everything!

She's been asked if she's coming to the tree house (as it's too late to cancel now) and she won't reply. It's like dealing with a child, not a 40 year old woman.

OP posts:
Whynosnowyet · 01/02/2020 18:35

Just tell her you are skint. Send her a card and a box of chocs.
Like average people do!!
Sounds bonkers planning such elaborate thing for such an ungrateful madam.

fishonabicycle · 01/02/2020 18:44

Why bother with such effort and cash - it sounds like paying for drama! Send her a card and some flowers and leave the rest of them to do whatever they want

Raven79 · 09/02/2020 23:01

Hello an update on my post. We couldn't cancel the weekend so decided to go anyway. I sent her a message with the details on which she ignored. Her husband had known for months. She also ignored my brother's phone calls. She didn't show up. We'd decorated the place especially and I'd had a cake made. My mum sent her a message saying how much effort everyone had gone too and she's kicked off. Apparently I should have invited her personally at her door with a card. I've told her that her manipulative and self pitying behaviour is disgusting and now I'm being accused of bullying her. She's told everyone she's spent this weekend in bed crying, she's borderline bipolar and none of it is her fault. I think I'm done with her x

OP posts:
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