What do i do now as I dont want to split up

[chicka]

I've been with my bf for just over a year (I'm 43 and div with 2 kids, he's 34 not this is an issue).
I have realised that I am incredibly insecure and have possibly now caused him to want to break up with me :-(
I didn't think my ex leaving me for another woman was an issue but clearly it is affecting me quite badly. When I'm not with my bf I analyse his text messages and start to overthink and overanalyse everything.
So this week I didn't think he was interested in me (due to me reading too much into his messages or how long it took to reply etc etc) and last night when I saw him I wouldn't let him touch me. Stupid I know but I just felt like he wasn't interested in me and then only wanted me for sex. I know this isn't true at all and have no reason to think otherwise.
Today we've messaged a bit basically along the lines of him saying he'd tried his best last night, felt unloved and unwanted and rejected and he didn't know what else to do. I've responded apologising and tried to salvage it. Last message was me at 1pm saying I was sorry and I haven't heard anything since.
What I have done (and have been intending too for a while) is speak to a counsellor and get myself booked in for some sessions to help me with me so I am wanting to stop this paranoia.
Should I message him again and perhaps explain how important he is to me and how I don't want to lose him, or should I just leave it and wait for his response?
Sorry its a long question.
x

What’s your relationship like with him overall? I don’t like the fact he’s in a sulk with you because you didn’t want sex last night.

Should add you should definitely go and see a counsellor x

He wants to break up and you have just given him an excuse to.

I reckon he’s just in a sulk and making you stew a bit. I know it’s hard but you really must stop over analysing. Just try and keep your mind on other things and realise you were ok before him and you would be fine without him. Men love confidence.

Just try and keep your mind on other things and realise you were ok before him and you would be fine without him. Men love confidence

This x 100

See the counsellor hun as you might find it helpful for you in one way or another, but please don't think that you are the main problem.

Maybe you should keep him up to speed with how you're thinking/feeling about things as you go along (no harm in trying that.)

He shouldn't expect you to shag him on demand. That's very unattractive in a man. If that's his attitude, you're not missing much. xx

I don't think you are the problem here.

I cant see where it says anywhere that he was in a sulk because of you not wanting to have sex with him?
Possibly he was cooling off with you because he finds you unpredictable?

Age difference probably will be an issue if he hasn't had children of his own. Why are you analysing his text messages? Are you bored? You must have an enriching life away from him for your sake and if you have that much time to analyse text messages please find a worthwhile hobby

I'm an over analyser, and have over analysed your post potentially...

But I'm imagining, at only 12 months in, when you meet up you are usually quite cuddly together, and that last night you pushed him away a bit, which is perhaps unusual in your pattern of behaviour between you, and he couldn't work out why (not knowing you had read so much into his messages at that time) so then he has come away today and asked what was wrong because, for you guys, you were acting weird.

If I'm right in these assumptions (as I say... massive overthinker myself so if I'm wrong disregard this!) he has done what you should have done when you were overthinking his texts. He's come away the next day, had time to mull it over and straight up asked you. Whereas you have dealt with a weeks worth of texts that you may or may not, have misread, by just acting a bit out of sorts with him, not simply saying "was I reading too much into X thing?"

His lack of reply really depends on what you put in your text. If you put similar to here, to explain it to him he may just need time to digest it. In the same way that he waited until today to raise that he felt rejected last night. That might just be how he operates.

If so, maybe reach out, say you care a lot for him and don't expect anything at the moment but you'd like the opportunity over the weekend (or whenever is convenient) to sit down and chat with him and talk things through.

But... there is a lot of supposition here. He could well have just been a bit of a knob when you were saying you weren't in the mood.

You have to realise he cant read your mind. So he's come over to see you and her intimate etc thinking everything is normal, you are happy etc. He has no idea what you have been stewing in your brain all day....overanalysing and creating a truth that seems not to reflect the reality. He doesn't know. So hes come over and in his eyes, been rejected for no reason and feels confused. Dont blame him. Dont think it's a sulk because he didnt get sex, more a sulk because he cant understand you and your reactions.

Dont hassle him now. Send him a message apologising and owning your insecurities and assure him you want him. If hes worth anything he'll understand but you cant KEEP doing it. Trust him unless he gives you a real reason not to. It must be exhausting trying to have a relationship with someone so paranoid, he probably doesnt know if hes coming or going.

If you’ve genuinely apologised then leave him to think. You can’t change what happened and you can’t make him stay by bombarding him with more messages. Sit on your hands and cross your fingers. The ball is in his court. But whichever way this turns out, get that counselling if you can.

Unfortunately OP, you may not have a choice. I think let things calm down for now. You've said sorry - there isn't much else you can do. Short of begging - which is never a good look, you may just have to wait and see what happens.

OP - you do need to tackle your insecurities with some help. The overanalyses of messages, jumping to conclusions and then playing games - all sound unhealthy. And teenagy too. So for this or any other relationship you need to figure out and deal with your issues.

Separately to that - I am sorry, but I am not sure there is much future in this relationship.
Age - and more importantly life phase differences are vast. He may still want children in the next 10 years and this may end in tears. In addition - given your insecurities - the age difference will only get worse - you’ll be in your 60s and he in his 50s, etc.

last night when I saw him I wouldn't let him touch me. Stupid I know but I just felt like he wasn't interested in me and then only wanted me for sex

I think there may be a reason you feel like this and it may not be because of your insecurities. Perhaps there's just too much of a life experience gap. Sometimes age doesn't matter, but sometimes you have just been through too much for someone else to understand.

What was the gap between the divorce and meeting him? Have you given yourself long enough to heal?

And what’s the pattern like with your partner - do you have sex on every occasion that he comes over or is the relationship more than that? You might be right in thinking it’s just sex for him, it depends on whether he’s shared time with you before where it’s not been on the cards.

He’s ghosting you. This is what guys do when they think they have “options” and are not happy with the response of their current relationship.

He’s probably upset that he was trying it on with you and got no where (guys can be sensitive too!).

Get on with your day, spend time with your kids, if he wants you, he’ll be back.

I’ve been on the other side of this so I may be able to give you a bit of his perspective.
I was in a relationship where my DP’s Ex had an affair and left him for another man, several years before I met him and since their divorce he had dated a few women before me.
I thought (naively) that because it had been quite a few years since they split and he’d had a few relationships in between that he was over their divorce and ready to commit.

But he (like you) hadn’t dealt with the demons and trauma that came from the breakdown of his marriage and his ExW’s infidelity.

The insecurities it created in him caused so many problems in our relationship and I felt like I was being blamed or punished for the way she had treated him, because literally none of this was my fault or anything to do with me.

He would over analyse messages, or if I didn’t text back straight away due to being busy then he would accuse me of ignoring him, or being cold towards him.

He needed constant reassurance and it was incredibly draining.

I would go to see him, excited to spend the evening together and he would blow hot and cold. I would never know what version of him I would get.

I’d arrive happy and full of love for him but he would at times brush me away, not let me touch him or cuddle him and be snappy in his responses to my attempts at making conversation.

It began to damage my self esteem. I felt like I was walking on egg shells at times and it became very suffocating.

My friends viewed it as controlling and mildly abusive. He was a good guy and I loved him immensely but I couldn’t take the constant love then coldness pattern.

OP... I think this is what you’re doing to him. It sounds so familiar.

You may have lost him, he may be more patient than I was and stick around a bit longer.
But to be blunt, if you don’t get counselling and sort out your problems you will definitely lose him in the long term.

If he has decided to call it quits, please don’t chase him or bombard him with texts or calls.
He’ll be hurting too and confused as to why you have been treating him this way. He can’t read your thoughts.