is sister taking advantage?

[Cookiepops40]

Hi, I wanted some honest opinions as this is something which has been grating on me lately but I don't know if I'm being over over sensitive. I have a younger sister who is married with 2 kids who are now in their teens. I don't have children and for years was always helping my sister out with the kids etc.. as her husband was also in the forces and away a lot.
In the last couple of years her life has came together, her husband is no longer in the armed forces, kids are older, got their own house and she has a good job and they have a good social life, always out, having friends round, spa weekends etc..
What is starting to grate on me is she never asks me or me and hubby to do anything with them from a social point of view. But is still always asking us for favours to keep an eye on the kids if they're away or look after their dogs. We always do Xmas and they don't contribute in any way and we're doing a family meal in a couple of weeks and she's asked if their children can bring their girlfriend and boyfriend! I wouldn't mind if it was a bbq or a party as an extra couple of people really wouldn't make a difference but this is a sit down family meal (which, they never offered to do). She actually said she knows its a bit cheeky to ask so why didn't she say no to the children but put me in that position? Don't get me wrong I do ask favours of her, but very rarely as I don't want to impose but it feels like she has a social life with her friends but never seems to ask favours of them (yet always seems to be looking after their their kids or animals) but the only time I ever seem to hear from her is when she wants or needs a favour. Am I being unreasonable or is this just what sisters do and I'm being over sensitive?

What was the dynamic like before she had dc? Did you see each other socially?

no but she was young. We have all gone out together but its always us thats invited them, bought tickets, arranged transport etc... Not once has it been them.

She obviously sees you as someone who helps her out & has just got used to you doing stuff for her. I would stop offering. But tbh you would see less of the kids then.

But I don't offer, thats the thing. I haven't seen them since Xmas.

I think maybe she's just like that because it's how it's always been. Maybe it hasn't occurred to her that your relationship could have a different dynamic. This is the way you have always been towards one another, and it works for her so she has never needed to question it. You are questioning it because it doesn't work for you. So you have two options, one is to try and change the dynamic (ask her to do things with just you or just you and your husbands, ask her to help you out, that kind of thing) or to just be really honest with her and explain how you are feeling. Ideally I would combine these approaches, so I would ask her to come to the cinema or the theatre or for a meal or to a spa or for a cheeky Nando's or for a shopping trip (whatever your shared interests are) and then say that you are really happy you are spending that time together because you would really love to build a closer relationship with her. That is what I would do.

Also, people who have always been helped a lot by others, often feel unconfident in their ability to help the other person because they are the roles you are used to. If your sister has an area of speciality that you could ask her to help you with in some way (even if you could actually do it without her) that might be a good way to shift the roles. For instance if she is really interested in interior design, or an avid gardener, or knows a lot about makeup and you don't, she doesn't need to be an expert but if she knows a little bit more than you about something then that could make her feel like you need her help too.

I have had this experience myself, because I have been in poor health recently I have often been the receiver of help (practical things like childcare and lifts places). When I have had people ask me for my help with something it has made me feel much better about myself. These are things that a bit of online research, a YouTube tutorial or a trip to citizens advice could have helped them with, but me helping them gave them the answer and also helped to balance out our roles as on a more even footing.

thanks, some really good advice there. I have actually taken some action as you mentioned, we've been out together a few times and they even said we should do this more often and we've had such a good time, but then they never return the invite. A few weeks ago, I found out she was on a girls night seeing a local band I really like at the pub just around the corner from my house by FB. When I texted her to say it looked like she had a fab night, she responded "oh you should have come" and I responded "I would have if I'd known about it" thinking she might get the hint. Its fine, I have to accept that she doesn't see me as a friend or in a social way but family do stuff for her, I can live with that. But its the constant favour asking when she does have other options or pushing the boundaries, like with this family meal, she wouldn't do it (has never done one) so I said we would, where I don't think she should have asked at all if the kids girlfriend and boyfriend should come. Our parents are elderly and one of them has been in poor health (one of the reason we wanted to make a fuss of them and do a family meal but keep it low key at home and not go out to a restaurant). I know they have also booked a 2 week holiday in the summer and when I asked about their dogs she hadn't even thought about them and said she'll sort something out. I know that means she'll leave it to the last minute then ask us because "its an emergency" like the 2 times it happened last year.

You’re the big sister/helper. Time to change the dynamic and make her stand on her own two feet. Give her advance warning that you won’t be able/don’t want to look after her dog. Tell her it’s a low key meal, the kids can’t bring their partners, no, it’s not that kind of meal.

She’s using you because you let her. Show her your backbone and start saying no.

Ask her again if she has sorted out the dogs and tell her you are only reminding her because unfortunately you are unable to help. This way you are giving her plenty of notice and won't feel guilty there is no one to do it. If she asks why just say you are unable to help out much at the moment due to other commitments. Then change ht subject.

I think if you want to talk to her just be honest and ask her. Ask her if or why she doesn't see you as more of a friend etc. She may be mortified with herself, you never know.

Yes she is taking advantage of your goodwill.
You are putting in all the effort into the relationship.
I'm the younger sister and my sister & I both put in effort to see each other, do favours, take turns paying etc. There might be a times one of is having a tough, busy or stressful patch and so the other might do alot more, but it all works out pretty even.
You need to pull back and set some boundaries.
Now would be a ideal time if your parents aren't well, because my money would be on her being "too busy with the kids" or similar excuse when your parents need extra help or care so that will fall on you.
No, boyfriend and girlfriend cannot come to family dinner at your house, if she wants a family dinner including them she can organise it at her house.
Keep your DH in the loop so he knows what your doing and why.
Firm boundaries and answers, not hints!

OP your thread made me really think about my relationship with my sister. But after a moment of worry of her dog sitting for me I thought about how equal our relationship is, although maybe I should tell her more how much I appreciate her help more. Your sister may not realise any of this, she may assume you want to do these things and not see it as a burden or a debt, and she may not fully understand you want to be invited out with her. Maybe try being blunt and saying you would really like to have more nights out with her, and could she let you know next time something is planned. I think it’s time for honest talk about how you feel, although you need to prepare that you may also hear some honest thoughts back

This is probably the dynamic I have with my big sister. We live in different countries though. I'd love to help her more. My kids are younger but like her we have loads of animals so travel is complicated.

It takes two, you have a role to play in your relationship dynamic too. Talk to her.

Say you’ve booked a king weenend away whilst they are in holiday so you can’t have the dogs at all. Say no to to boyfriend. Ask them to bring dessert.

Long weekend

I think she's just used to it. You need to tell her how you feel. Gently.

When the meal was being arranged you should have said can you do it this time? When she brought up boyfriend and girlfriend say no sorry, but we could move it to your house if you'd like them to come? Be a bit more assertive and less of a doormat.

@seven201 I did ask if they could do the meal, its only been a month since we put on Xmas but she is always full of excuses, saying she doesn't have the room, she couldn't fit everyone in. Neither can we but we do things to make it work by borrowing an extra table and chairs from our neighbour. Bottom line is if I ask her to do it, it won't happen. It seems to be more important to me for the family to do stuff together, especially now our parents are elderly.

thanks everyone for the advice. I think I'm more upset at myself not putting my foot down to her but then I'm mad at her for putting me in that position. I do well at work and I'm normally a very assertive person but think my family are my achilles heel and I hate the thought of doing anything to upset them. I also can't work out if my sister just doesn't realise or is actually quite sneaky about it. She'd asked if we could dog sit for a week and as I was travelling around a couple of days with work and had a really big week at work I said no. Her DH and my DH are quite good friends and see each other socially and my DH came home and said we're looking after their dogs for a week. When I asked when this was, I realised this was the same week and that I had already said no. He said yeah that BIL had said that but he wanted to double check with DH as it would be really helping them out. So, they basically played us off each other and it caused a big argument. DH doesn't get where I'm coming from, he doesn't think its a big deal if we have the dogs a few times a year or extra guests at family meal. I've asked him to recall how many times have they helped us out or asked us to their house or put on a meal but he doesn't see it as much as me because BIL will invite him out and they do stuff together. I'm just worried its going to get to a point where I'm going to explode so I need to manage it so it doesn't get to that point.

When you originally posted about being asked about extra guests for a family meal I agreed with the poster who advised to just say it was not that kind of meal and keep it for the immediate family.
But, after your BIL's shenanigans going behind your back about the dog-sitting, there is no way I would want to offer hospitality to such self-centred people. I suggest you cancel the meal as the date is not convenient for you any more. You could still have a meal with your parents.
As other people have said, it is time to change the dynamic. A mini-project for 2020! You say you only hear from your sister when she wants a favour. Have you ever said this to her? It is time to throw a few noes into the mix.

As for your husband! His first loyalty should be to you and he should be livid at being used to undermine you regardless of whether he is okay with looking after the dog. Who is more important to him - you or BIL?
Good luck!

For years I wanted to have a loving relationship with my sister where we were friends & would do things together. It would really upset me that she never put any effort in. Anyway, long story short I have reached the conclusion that we are just very different people. She takes more than she gives. I have my own family unit & a strong friendship group so I no longer bother putting the effort it. It did upset me when I came to this conclusion but I’m much happier & i don’t let her take advantage of me anymore. I feel for you op. It’s hard to come to terms with but put yourself first and hopefully you will find peace with it too as I have.

So if your dh said he can look after the dog then HE looks after the dog dont vacuum a hair up same with the meal if it's not an issue for him he deals with it if your expected to do it then you get to say no

Show your dh this thread. You are being taken advantage of big time. You'll have to woman up and start saying No. you and your dh.
Your sister is not kind to you.

After the dog business, I’d be pulling the favours right back! I would have no truck with that kind of selfish manipulation AT ALL. You are allowed to say no without justification!

Bloody nerve

Thank you all. I have spoken to DH and told him that he needs to back me up otherwise he is undermining me and just feeding their inconsiderate behaviour. I have also told sister that its not appropriate for the kids OHs to attend this meal but if he have a BBQ or party in the summer they are more than welcome (so I've put it as nicely as I can). To be fair she was fine about it and said she knew it was cheeky to ask, to which I replied that she then needs to say no to the kids and not put me in that position as I'm only trying to do something nice for our parents. I also planted the seed that with the kids OHs, there is now 6 of them compared to just me and hubby so I'm hoping she gets the hint for them to take some responsibility for doing family meals, even Xmas ! So far, so good. Thanks for all your advice, guys - onwards & upwards! :)