Husband with depression

[Depression99]

My husband of 20yrs who was recently diagnosed with high level stress and depression has told me that he is only with me at the moment for the children. He broke down and was crying when he let this out (He has never cried in front of me before)

He said this during our couple counseling, we are going through a difficult time and trying to fix our relationship.

He is also seeing his own individual counsellor as am I.

He says he loves me, and doesn't want to give up and look back and think he didn't even try but he feels so empty inside, he feel numb and like there is nothing in him.

He said he sometimes feels like he should just disappearing but wouldn't do that to me and the kids.

Since he told me this he has been more attentive to me and shown a lot more thoughtfulness but I just feel like it's forced now.

How can I get my marriage back on track and re-connect with him if he is only with me for the children. He said he has only started feeling this way in the last couple of months since his depression got worse.

any advice ?

I would say that he needs to recover from his depression and stress before you can seriously work on the marriage. If it's full-on clinical depression rather than just low mood then he's in no fit state to be working on your relationship. When he says he's numb and only staying with you for the children etc, that's the depression talking.

You need to understand that at the moment he can't focus on you. If you've never had depression you won't be able to understand how bad it can be. It's hard but right now you have to be the strong one.

Read up on depression, make sure he's getting the help he needs to recover. Meanwhile perhaps you can get some support to enable you to help him and you through this. When he's better he'll be in a position to start working on your marriage.

Feeling empty inside is depression. People imagine depression is sadness, but it isn't, it is just a huge black pit of nothingness that you can't climb out of. He has described it accurately to you.

This has nothing to do with his feelings for you per se. He can't feel any other way, but he has done you the courtesy of telling you the truth and I would imagine he feels awful about that. He is doing his best. He may already regret being honest with you about this - if you want to do something for your marriage then let him feel he can speak the truth to you. You need to be strong for that and put your need to be reassured aside for now.

If you love him and before this it was a good relationship, then let him get better before making emotional demands on him.

Haffiana puts if better than I did. For the time being you have to concentrate on getting him through this and not make emotional demands.

When he says he's numb and only staying with you for the children etc, that's the depression talking.

This. Is he getting treatment for depression?

Thank you so much for your replies, I cried just reading them. I've been feeling so sad and hearing you say it's the depression talking really helps.

It's just so hard to keep trying with someone when they just give such little emotional response back and it feels like he is making such a small effort with me.

He started IC about 7 weeks ago and seems ok as long as we don't argue or I want to talk about anything serious.

Which is really hard as trying to recover from him having a short online affair.

Our therapist said as he isn't capable of giving me more at the moment I have to recognise the small things until he is in a better place.

How do you help someone with depression ?

I was gonna say, but you mentioned it in your last response...

Is he or has he had an affair? He sounds guilty not depressed. And I say this from experience 🤦‍♂️

Sadly people do fall out of love, especially after a long time, this societal outlook on marriage and relationships lasting forever is not healthy and is a lot of pressure! And people break!

There’s always possibilities that you can rekindle the love but it’s not easy and it takes a lot of effort from both sides.

This is so hard. I'm the depressed one in our marriage and I'm only lucky that my DH is very non-needy and cheerful so hardly notices some of my awful thoughts and behaviours a lot of the time.

In terms of how to help, it's hard to know as everyone is different but there are certain baseline things that are advised for most depressed people - daily exercise, good nutrition and taking care of yourself by daily showers, teeth brushing, grooming etc. You could gently encourage those things. If you are doing any of the family cooking, you can make an extra effort to ensure you're all getting plenty of fruit and vegetables.

In the end though, it's still not up to you to solve which is very hard. You must take care of yourself too and make sure you're doing little things that make you happy, just for you.

It's very troubling that he had an online affair and I hope that he understands what he was nearly throwing away. I take it you're aiming to forgive him, not leave him. Depression is not an excuse to treat other people badly.

Yes I am trying to forgive which is hard when you get so little emotional response back.

We have stared going on daily long walks together to incorporate exercise and we talk and walk and try to communicate a little more.

We are trying to have more kid free
time together to also try and re-connect.

It's just so hard as I feel a need to talk about the problems and what he did and he doesn't want to as it makes his feel down as he feels bad what he did to me.

Hate my life right now, feel like I'm pretending to be ok and happy with him so he doesn't sink lower.

Erm....hang on.

Depression is one thing....but are you sure it's not guilt? He seems to he using this depression as an excuse to get out of explaining and discussing his affair.

That's not on.

You can support him, yes, depression is bloody awful but that doesnt mean your needs are now no longer existent. That is not fair.

Hi Mama, no it's not fair, that's what I'm struggling with, because his depression brings him so down that it makes him want to give up trying to make it work as he is so empty and I'm not getting what I need.

If we don't talk about it all is good, he is making a big effort to spend time together, be open, nothing hidden, leaves phones about etc. if I'm down he asks me if I'm ok and want to talk but I know if I start asking more questions asking him to tell me about affair he feels like he is repeating answers and feel like I'm asking to get new answers which I am sometimes as how do you know if you have the truth ? You don't, I guess he can only earn trust by continuing what he is doing but some days I just want to give up and let him see how shit it will be without me.

Ok made a decision to work on myself, no more focusing on him and us, time to focus on me, booked dinner with a girlfriend and have looked into a Tai Chi class, bit random but apparently really good for centering the mind and helping anxiety.

I'm going to show him I'm getting on with my life and I'll support him through his depression but until he is in a better place, I'm not discussing our future and if it is better for me then we may need time apart.

Feeling good today

Good for you OP deciding to work on yourself. I know I wouldn't be so understanding and caring towards a man who had an online affair then became depressed. Perhaps that makes me a a horrible person but I would think how come he gets to be the one who everyone feels sorry for and the wife needs to be understanding and give him time. I understand he is obviously very depressed but I would not be giving all my emotional energy to try to make him feel better.

What about how you feel, it would be very easy for you to become depressed with the whole situation too. I would be feeling more annoyed than anything.

as trying to recover from him having a short online affair
And there is the OW!
And now HE has depression!
FFS - will these weak willed men never ever learn!?

Well done OP - great update - you work on yourself and he can get on with facing his guilt on his own!
He did it and he has to live with it.
If he behaviour has made his depressed, then that is on him.

Time for YOU now OP!