UPDATE: How do I get him to leave

[StLucia4]

Today is the 31st January, the day set aside for my boyfriend to leave my home as agreed by us both.

A quick recap, he was out of work having been a high earner, together for 2years and I’ve since learned he has Aspergers, although not tested. Life had become fraught as I was working and paying for us both.

Coincidentally his appt with UC at the job centre was today which helped.

I have taken today off work and it’s been really upsetting.
I’m sad to see him go yet relieved as his presence here was not doing either of us any good.

He needs to go find work, refocus and regain his self respect.

I still think he’s a really good man and today was so much harder than I thought.

I have spent the day crying (just because I can) as thankfully my son is at his girlfriends until Sunday.

His phone died a death so I’ve no idea what’s happening but hopefully when/if he gets settled, he can email me later.

He left with £3 in his pocket so I’m praying he will be looked after.

Thanks for all your support.
I promised to come back to you and let you know how I got on.

The good news is, I was offered a new job this week starting Monday so I will finally get back on track financially as it’s more money.

I hope I will feel less sad soon

I haven't seen your previous thread OP, but from the summary it sounds like you were shouldering a lot and having a tough time. These first days are bound to be very tough, having had to witness your bf leaving your place and get used to him not being around. Hopefully this is the 'kick up the ass' he needs to turn his life around and get back on track.

Good luck with the new job on Monday, and well done .

Have you got a spare barrel for your lock? When my ex left I was devastated then I changed the locks so he couldnt come back

OP.. I recall your original Thread.. I am so happy for you.. I know you genuinely cared for this man but were no longer happy in a relationship with him...

Congratulations on your new job.. and celebrate your home OP well done

He was still desperately trying to look for work right up until yesterday.
It’s just so sad to witness a man who’s life has been so successful in the past, spiral downwards.
It was affecting my health which is why he had to leave.
I told him I would always be there for him and we both know there is no returning here.
I just need to know he’s safe and well and has been rehoused.
I hope wherever they have housed him is clean as he’s meticulously clean and tidy.
Mind you, I guess he doesn’t have a choice but I wish him well and I’m devastated for him.

Yes, change the locks and also take him off the council tax (and return his mail to sender) to make it more difficult for him to "prove" he lives there and gain reentry to your home.

If he's been intimidating and/or abusive I would log this with the police in case he returns to the house so that removal is more straightforward.

Well done. 💐

enjoy your space OP.. and try not to engage in His situation now.. I know he's a friend, but you need to keep your boundaries clear and concise.

We’ve already agreed he would never return here but if he’s low it’s good to be a friend. Not financially of course.

I just feel I can’t abandon him.

I know I’ll feel better in the morning.

I will give him the space and time he needs to reflect on his life.

Wow op. A door mat(no offense meant) who actually stood up for herself!!. You rock!!
Good luck with the new job.
An exciting new chapter.

@why erm... ‘doormat’..?! No.
Just experienced a very rough time with a loving partner who lost his job and consequently lost his self esteem, his pride and couldn’t find a way out.
He’s is honest as the day is long. Is kind and generous but life became difficult, fraught when you are the only earner.
I’ve no need to change locks, no abuse ... just a guy who needed support. It’s tough being unemployed.
He left because his presence at home was beginning to affect our well-being.
I’m feeling better now I’ve had a cry.
Onwards and upwards.

how are you doing OP ? all good

@bumblebeee69 Yes thank you. I drove him to town. There were a lot of tears.
He received emergency housing straight away in a hostel which is very unpleasant. He’s currently sharing a room with 9 others sleeping in bunk beds (with crackheads)! .
They have to leave at 10am and not return until 2030. Today he’s been in touch. New phone £11. He’s been walking the streets all day.
I resisted the temptation to say, “stay here until 8pm”. I remained strong.
He was given £100 emergency cash out of an allowance of £317 per month.
I’m so proud I didn’t cave in.
I’m meeting him tomorrow just for a coffee timed with picking up my son from town.

It’s so kind of you to ask xx

This is so sad to read
I really feel for both you and your ex, I hope things turn out well for him

That is so sad, stay strong, I would probably give in and let him home but I'm a notoriously soft touch you stay strong, good luck

It’s going to be another long day again for him pounding the streets but I do feel he brought this upon himself.
I asked him a few months back to look into UC and he didn’t. When he lost work before (self employed), he said benefits wouldn’t pay him as I earned too much - that’s why he didn’t pick up the phone. (It happened with his ex girlfriend many years ago).

UC is obviously different. He could have contributed to the household months ago - instead he inadvertently left me paying everything.
My children are secretly delighted he’s gone and I’m being strong as they didn’t warm to him. My daughter aged 23 packed her bags and went to live with her dad (whom she had no real relationship with other than a divorced dad. I was heartbroken.
For the 1st time in 28 years, my 3 children spent Xmas with their dad as they didn’t want to be at home.
He’s caused so much heartache.

I know I’m no longer in love with him but I can support him today for a couple of hours.

I’m sure by the time he’s settled, i will see him less.

You’ve done the right thing. Stay strong.

Please remember, he does not have to 'pound' the street. He could go to a warm library and search for jobs, read up on job s available ( libraries have all newspapers) The libraries are open from 9 or 10 am and many stay open till 8 !!!

Also museums, day bus ticket, try to get voluntary work?

OP I know this has been hard for you... but I agree you have the done right thing.. but you have done the right thing for him too...

He needed to take responsibility... and this is him doing that..

Be careful today, you don't get roped into his 'natural' negativity about his circumstances.. his situation will improve.. he mas money a roof over his head and he's getting fit.. he's walking .. he can walk to museums libraries job centres.. parks.. he can go for a coffee watch the world go by... he will get there OP.. honestly

Thank you so much.
Have just spent the agreed time with him prior to picking up my son.
He shaved (doesn’t normally on a weekend) and looked well considering.
He’s barely slept but is holding on.
He has visited all the places mentioned above and found a charity place that serves food cheaply.
I said I’m not sure how I feel about him although my heart is saying ‘I love him’ but I’m not ‘in love’ with him.
I’m seeing him in two weeks time for a bite to eat.
I said I don’t want to see him purely cos I’m bored (I’ve never ever been alone in almost 40 years). I could have stayed longer but I didn’t.

You’re so spot on with yr advice.
It would be easy for me to see him during the week for company but I need to survive on my own and connect with my girls again.

I’ve missed them so much.
I did continue to see them for meals without him but not at home.
I’m looking forward to inviting my daughter and her boyfriend again for dinner.

I do hope your able to make up for lost time with your daughter OP.. this is great news

@Bumblebee, you’ve been so supportive.
I do hope he finds work.
I’m not materialistic at all but he agreed and could see he was suffocating me with love to make up for the lack of income.
Jeez. The more I reflect, the more sad it all is.
When I first met him again in 2017, he could be described as charismatic, strong, confident and had a great smile.
Now he’s a shell of himself.
I’m sure once he gains employment and becomes independent he will become the same person I fell in love with.
Thanks again everyone for your kindness.