I want to leave my partner but I’m scared

[AJPx]

Hi I’m looking for some advice. ( sorry long post)
I’ve been with my partner for just over 3 years we have a 16 month old and not long ago I found out I’m pregnant again which was a massive shock and definitely not planned.

I haven’t been happy for a long time in this relationship but only recently have admitted it to myself as it’s just becoming unbearable to be around him. He can be very controlling and gets moody over the smallest things which makes me feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time. I’ve found I just let him do what he wants as if I disagree he just gets moody and horrible towards me, I don’t even feel like myself anymore.

My partner also hasn’t been earning well with his job the last few months either and i have asked him a few times to look into getting a new job something that is stable for us as a family but he just doesn’t bother which leaves a lot of financial pressure on myself. I do work myself, I look after my toddler all day then go to work in the evenings till midnight 4 nights a week and it’s extremely tiring especially being pregnant and feeling sick all the time. We’ve fallen behind on quite a few bills and I’m feeling really stressed and anxious.

I don’t feel like I love him anymore and to be honest I don’t think he really loves me, he’s an amazing dad And I would never stop him from seeing our children and I’ve always said that to him but when we argue and I’ve asked him to go he gets very nasty and refuses and says he will take my child away from me and make my life hell which is heartbreaking as I’ve never said anything like that to him because of the things he’s said in past arguments it makes me scared to leave as I don’t want him to make life hard for me I just want to be happy and that’s all I want for him too.

We currently rent a flat from the council and we are joint tenants so he has just as much rights as me to be there, I want to leave this relationship but where do I go? I can’t afford to private rent, will the council help me? Or will they say he has to leave the flat? I don’t really want that to be the case as he would still be having our children half the time and they need a suitable home with their dad.

I’m just terrified and don’t know what to do, I can feel the stress and sadness through my body and while being pregnant I can’t be feeling like this. If anyone has any advice they can give me would be massively appreciated x

I've been where are you op. You don't need to put up with this. There is a whole new life out there.
Abusive men always say that they will take your kids. It's about control.
Make no mistake, this man is abusive. Do you have any family or friends who can help.
I also suggest contacting women's aid.

I should add that you need to be careful as abusive men can get nasty when you finally leave them. Someone who is better than me will be along soon. X

Sorry OP, how hard this must be

Ring the council and be straight. Be honest. You're pregnant, you want to separate....what are your options ? They will advise you what your rights are.

Once you know this then you will feel so much stronger about leaving. And leave you must. One life....dont waste it being miserable. It feels like a mountain to climb right now but one step at a time, you can do this. Make the calls. Take practical steps. Start the process of carving out a new life .... it is possible.... and you will be so proud of yourself and so much happier.

What support do you have in RL? Friends/family close by?

Thank you so much for your helpful comments!

I have amazing parents and I broke down to my mum earlier and just told her how I’m feeling and what I have to put up with. I know my mum and dad our there for me and it’s really helped.

I tried speaking to my partner tonight about him finding a new stable job and he flew off the handle and started saying I don’t care about his feelings and that he’s depressed. Im not very good with confrontation anyway and he doesn’t even let me speak just makes out I’m the bad person. I had to leave the flat for abit and met a friend as my chest was going tight I just couldn’t bare him laying into me when I’m just trying to do what’s right for us as a family. its made me realise I really need to push through and leave this relationship for myself and my children.

Now I’m home and I’m bed, he’s on the sofa and I can’t sleep at all, this is the time when I start doubting, I feel bad for him even though I know I shouldn’t, the mum guilt kicks in too when it comes to my boy 😔 but I feel more strongly than ever that it’s time to start this process I have to be strong. I am going to make some calls and get some knowledge behind me, I’m just so worried of how he’s going to react when I break it to him that we’re separating and I know he will get angry and be hurtful towards me and make this whole process very hard especially with housing arrangements as I know he won’t leave as I’ve tried to get him to before and he refuses that’s why I feel now the only way to make this easier is for me to go. X

Don't tell him that you're leaving, just go when he's out, or get your parents around to assist you. Abusers can become dangerous at this time. Fuck feeling bad about him, he's vile. They always bring on the tears and the sorry's when they feel you distancing. It's all an act, don't fall for it. Put your child's needs and you and your unborn child first.

What the other respondents have told you; enlist the help of your family. the council and Womens Aid asap to plan a safe exit from this relationship with your abuser. It may be possible for you to go into a refuge. Do not feel bad for or about him; he is truly a vile individual who is also NOT a good dad.

Do not tell him you are leaving; you need to do so when he is out.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man. He is NOT a good dad, he's barely even a partner to you and he targeted you to boot. Good dads for one do not abuse their partner ever; the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. And forget too this whole idea about him potentially having the kids half the time; 50-50 is only a starting point and he will continue to use these children to further get back at you as "punishment" for leaving him. He is not going to suddenly become father of the year to his kids when you leave him; all this person cares about is his own self. Not you and certainly not his children. He is NOT bothered about his children and will merely use them to try and keep you under his control (hence too all his guff about taking the kids away from you). Abusive men always say that, they always but always threaten to take the kids away from their mother (and or make their life hell). You still want to call him a good dad?.

I would keep your children well away from him altogether going forward due to his abuses of you and in turn them. He will indeed try to further control you via them once you leave him. If any access to his children is at all granted then it should only be via a contact centre and formalised through the court system.

Your own recovery from his abuses of you will only properly start when you leave him and abuse can take years to recover from. Please enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid; it will teach you a lot more about the whole nature of abusive relationships and it will help you immensely.

Please phone Women's Aid or Rights of women - the latter specialise in legal advice where there's domestic violence. They may be able to advise on your housing situation. Agree the council too will be able to help you.

Can you take your baby to your parents and leave today?

I'm sorry OP, I agree, abuse often worsens once you are pregnant and can also get worse as you try to leave. Horrible situation to be in.

And agree with Atilla - you can't say a violent abusive man is a good father, no matter how much they claim to be. Good dads do not abuse their partner. Ever. And are doing the best for your child if you get him out of there and keep him out. Good luck. x