Feeling trapped with no way out

[BearPomPom]

I know there's "always a way" but my situation is quite tricky. I've been with my husband for 25 years, I'm 45, he's 10 years older. It's always been a very up and down marriage, we have 3 children, 2 are adults and have moved out and youngest is 9. We live in a very nice council house in a nice area and are joint tenants. I want to leave purely because my husband will not leave for love nor money. I've left him twice before but ended up back here with him. I actually hate him at times and find myself wishing terrible things!! He's not abusive although was in the past. I just don't love him and can't stand being around him. On the outside we appear pretty perfect. But I can't leave due to financial reasons as I only work part time and people keep telling me I would be crazy to give up the council tenancy which is true I guess. But I don't want to be held hostage to an unhappy relationship because of a house!! Please believe me when I say he will 100% not leave, even though he knows if I leave the house would be deemed to big for him alone but at least he'd get rehoused somewhere smaller. I feel trapped and don't know where to go from here. I'd really appreciate some advice. Thank you! X

Work full time and save to move

Could you look at working full time to give you more financial independence?

Do not remain in such a loveless marriage for purely financial reasons; who exactly is telling you that you would be crazy to give up a council tenancy?. These people have not lived your life with him and you should not be easily swayed by such opinion.

I would also think he has not changed at all in all the years you've known him; he is likely to be still abusive towards you. He certainly gets what he wants out of this relationship (i.e. you to abuse and otherwise use you as a skivvy) and you do not get anything out of this at all.

If he won't leave (and abusive men do not ever like to let go of their victims that easily) then you make plans to exit the marriage. You are married to this individual and thus have rights in law; exercise these now fully.

Have you as yet sought legal advice from a Solicitor?. This is something you should be doing as a matter of urgency particularly if you have not already done so. Please also consider contacting Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations; they can also give legal advice.

Doing nothing here for you and in turn your 9 year old (and for that matter your now adult children) is NOT an option. Strike out on your own, better to be single than to be as badly accompanied as you are now.

How do your two now adult children feel about you and for that matter their dad?. I would think they wonder why you are still there and your reasons will not wash with them either. Are you still really putting this man ahead of you?. And what about your youngest child in all this; what is your 9 year old learning from the two of you now about relationships?. You want this for that young person too; no you do not and its not good enough for you either.

Saving more however, take time and that will just give him more power and control over you. If its over its over and you need to be free of him asap.

No I haven't sought any legal advice yet, I've left him twice already and have twice obtained occupation orders to get him to leave and very stupidly ended up getting back with him! I've even applied for divorce and got as far as decree nicee before withdrawing so therefore we're still married! And they were very very stressful times and now I just want to leave him without having to go through all of that again but it would mean renting privately which in itself is extremely difficult without working full time. I also home educate our youngest due to him suffering severe anxiety and possible autism and he also has a chronic illness so working full time is out of the question. My adult children know everything, I think they're sick of us to be honest and just want to concentrate on their own lives

Work full time?

You need some professional advice ... our opinions help but really you need to speak to someone about what your rights are here. Will you not be rehoused on your own ?

Speak to the council surely. Be honest tell them the situation and ask outright what your options are.

Also build up a nest egg ... can you work full time ?

I already know where I stand legally, if I leave this house I make myself intentionally homeless therefore am not eligible for rehousing or any help from the council. I'm happy to rent privately well away from here as it's far too expensive to rent but don't have a large enough salary to even get considered. I could sell my car for something smaller and get a loan to pay the rent upfront for a year maybe. It's all just so terrifying and that's what keeps me going round and round in this cycle of depression and indecision

No I haven't sought any legal advice yet, I've left him twice already and have twice obtained occupation orders to get him to leave and very stupidly ended up getting back with him! I've even applied for divorce and got as far as decree nicee before withdrawing so therefore we're still married!

Find some strength within you to restart the whole process of divorce. Staying because of some council tenancy is a bonkers idea and I am certain your adult children think this as well. They probably do wonder why you continue to put this man ahead of your own self and everyone else around you.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

How on earth did he manage to talk you given what you've done in the above, to get you back with this man?. Did he promise that he would be a better man now, he would change?. He really must think you are both a mug and doormat.

If you do really want to get serious about leaving him you will have to go through that above process again; you've done it once already and fact remains you cannot remain married to this individual. Applying again for the divorce is far better for you and in the long run your youngest as well because this person is seeing a distorted world view of relationships. One day it will be just you and your H; what then for you?. Would you want to become your H's carer?. I do not think so; you cannot abide him now and rightly so.

Is home edding really working out for you?. Where is your own support here re your 9 year old?. This could also be making you more isolated socially.

Thanks Atilla x I'm going to find out if it's possible to apply for the Decree Absolute even though 12 months have passed rather than going through the whole process again. The tenancy on this house is in my name only after the last break up and his only "right" to it is through marriage so at this present moment the first and maybe easiest step would be divorcing him once and for all to remove those rights? It's not a great environment for our youngest and our eldest does appear to have some major issues which I do believe is due to him growing up in that environment. He appears to totally detest his dad and has had physical fights with him. But I'm still scared, everything is ALWAYS my fault and again I'm gonna have to bear the brunt of the outpouring of his victim mentality and carry the guilt. I just don't know how some weeks we just sail along without any issues....I mean we even booked a summer holiday abroad last week!! I was reluctant too though if I'm honest as I'd made a promise to myself at the start of the year to make this year the year I finally sort my life out. But it takes just one thing, no matter how small to bring all that hate and bitterness to the surface of my very being to bring me once again to this point.....and boy have I been here many a time! Youngest going back to school is not an option I would consider just yet. I do have a very supportive family around me....who my husband hates and blames them for everything.....so I can rely on them for support and I do have good friends x

Finish divorcing him and do not move out. As you are primary carer fo

I’m in Scotland and my friend and her husband had a joint la or council (not sure which) tenancy and they split up, he stayed in the two bed council house while she sofa surfed and after a while the council housed her and dc in another two bed house.

So I don’t know if being the victim of past domestic abuse and now getting divorced would be considered that you were making yourself homeless. More like trying to protect yourself and dc after a relationship has broken down. Surely it’s different.

You’d be better asking shelter or women’s aid. Perhaps there may be advice on their websites?

Don’t give up. Check if the divorce papers have expired or if can you sign them now?

'I already know where I stand legally, if I leave this house I make myself intentionally homeless therefore am not eligible for rehousing or any help from the council.'

The obvious is that he goes if your name is on the tenancy. You could throw him out- change the locks. If it's in your name he has no rights to the place. He would probably get rehoused through the council or be given help to find somewhere.

Worth looking into restarting/picking back up the divorce thing, either way. Being married to you doesn't give him any rights to the flat as it's rented, not an asset of yours.

You can make a homeless application if you are suffering emotional abuse. In my area you would have a right to another Council house no matter how long ago the domestic abuse was. May be different where you are though.

Ask shelter.

OP you need to take this one step at a time, otherwise it's overwhelming.

You need proper legal advice which you can obtain from Rights of Women. This is to find out about your rights in the event of divorce and what to do about the house. You can also ask about the divorce papers.

You need emotional support so I suggest you look into finding out what is available in your local area. You can find your local domestic abuse organisation here. See if they have a Freedom Programme in your area or something similar. They may have free legal advice clinics so it's worth finding out what's available.

I also suggest that you find out your local authorities' domestic abuse number.Just go to your council website and look for their DV services. They tend to be joined up so they can give you advice regarding your home at the same time. If you can't find it, then call them. You need to find out about your council tenancy in the event of divorce and they should be able to tell you. Dig out your contract to have at hand as they will ask you about it.

Your son's anxiety may be partially caused by your relationship with your husband. You may find it gets a lot better once he's settled after you split up. There could be other help available and it doesn't sound as though he's been properly diagnosed. You could contact the National Autistic Society as a starting point and they will hopefully guide you to a solution that works.

Gingerbread can give you advice and information on being a single parent. Child contact, maintenance, benefits, education etc

Sort out the above first: legal rights, housing, emotional support, son's diagnosis etc You don't have to do anything yet, but this is taking action and making a plan which is empowering in itself. This has been what's been holding you back and preventing you from committing. Once you have a plan in place and the right support, you'll take that leap.

Your worried about financial issues... you book a holiday... you work part time.... and get benefits... you hate your partner... but have a nice council house.

Wtf 🤣

Get a full time job, take control of your finances, stop blaming him for everything and looking for sympathy by claiming he’s mentally abusing you. Your the one that went back.. twice!!

Rights of women or women’s aid can help you.

In the meantime try and stash a bit of cash and gather up docs etc.

Good luck

You need to get a full time job. It's your way out. Surely that's clear. What's the reason for not working?