Ending another big relationship

[mynamechangemyrules]

I am posting on here as this is squashed too deep down to share with anyone in RL.

I ended my marriage after years of abuse (emotional/ financial/ controlling/ physical towards children) almost 2 years ago.

I live in a country where live-in carers are 'a thing' and having a live in nanny really meant I could end the marriage as I work full time and she helped keep our lives stable while all the court dates were going on etc etc. She has been with me/ the kids (3 of them) for 9 years- their whole lives.

But she doesn't do anything any more other than physically being in the house. She watches the youngest between nursery and me coming home, but little one is often on the iPad when I have expressly asked for this not to happen. Anyway not going on to the long list, but she is not helping me at all any more, merely adding stress. Paying her takes all of my free salary after bills and food. Over the last 3 years I have tried all different ways to -get her to do her job- support her, paid her progressively more and more as she says money is really the only incentive. Sent her on courses, given more free time and freedom with planning time etc....

But now I have almost reconciled myself to talking to her about leaving/ moving on/ us all having a fresh start, I feel like-
Maybe it's me?? That's why people take the piss? That's why I have to end it and walk away from another big relationship. Maybe I can't 'do' relationships??

Anyway, it came out of nowhere today and now it's all I can think about.

Strike through fail

I feel a bit like that too. In my case I think I'm too easy going for my own good and struggle to be assertive.

I end up becoming resentful when people seem to take me for granted. I got divorced 5 years ago and recently ended another long term relationship. I'm thinking I need to work on my self esteem to stop being a pushover.

In your case, I wonder what your nanny actually does for you apart from the small amount of childcare. What does she do when the kids aren't around?
Do the kids like her?
Would other childcare be available if you didn't have her any more?

Also, if you have friends and colleagues you get on with then it's not just you is it?

She's not doing her job despite tou repeatedly asking her to. Sack her and get a cleaner etc?

With kindness, this isn't a family relstionship - although I appreciate you will be close - it's an employment relationship and she is no longer doing the job you pay her to do. You have attempted to speak with her, offered additional training and extra pay. She now does nothing more than a slightly disappointing babysitter would do - sit in the same house, on her iPad, ignoring the children.

You have reached the point where she needs to be fired and replaced. You will probably find that a replacement will cost less without the "incentive" payments and will actually do the job (which should include feeding the children certain meals and possibly some light, child related housework e.g. tidying toys).

She is a massive piss taker and you've given her more than enough leeway. She needs to go and you need to work on your assertiveness. It might be a good idea to hire through an agency if you struggle with these conversations.

Shes taking the piss. Familarilty breeds contempt and she is too much a part of your family set up..she feels too secure and so pushes the boundaries thinking you wouldn't possibly fire her.

But in reality that's of course what you must do. Shes being lazy with your kids , adding stress to your life and you're paying her for that.

Give her one last chance if you think its worth it (I dont), and then be decisive and get someone new.

I think it's not you that's the problem good on you for walking away from a toxic relationship, there is so many grants for childcare tax relief etc maybe even after school or breakfast clubs look into them first maybe and talk to the Nanny with regards the IPad hide it or start saying you need it for work