dp driving me nuts wrt dss - am going a little spare

[farkinannoyed]

right . have changed name as i dont like the world knowing such personal stuff but i reeeely need to vent a bit.

dss is here. he is playing up, being a hyper, cheeky, brattish, demanding, 'challenging' little shite, sorry, child

but you know what i just realised? its not dss who is so bad, but dp and the way he deals with him. it drives me fcking insane!!! he is allowed to be cheeky, rude, demanding...

dp has NO consistency, no clear boundaries. lets loads slide, then blows his top. dss and other dc have no idea what he'll atke and when (neither do i tbh)

sigh

he made lunch today. one lunch for them (chicken nugggets chips and beans ffs. is about as nutritious as it gets round here when dss is about), another for himself. serves them, then goes and eats elsewhere.

er, hello? how have i managed to start a family with someone who has no fckin idea what the word means?? why on earth dont we havce one meal we all sit down to together??

is my fault. im an idiot for putting up with it. i should cvhange things ... but honestly? kills me to admit it but i feel powerless in this equation. dss and his management are not my business. is implicit, not overt.

if i say something to dss, dp will back it up, but dss knows he divides us, knows he has the upper hand, knows he can just ask his dad and get what ive said no to. (perhaps with a cursory insincere apology)

sounds like my DH. why do we do it?

search me.

ask myself that now and then.

We also have dss here to stay but dp has the exact rules he has with our 2, i think your dp needs to set out rules of the house & stick to them, he also needs to back you 100% when you say something is not right or someone needs to be punished etc.

I would be very annoyed with my dp if he was like this, you need support from him.

It sounds like he needs to grow up & start taking some responsibility.

and i inevitably end up taking my extremem frustration out on dss. i try v hard not to, but christ, does he push it at times.

and half the time im getting tough with dss im wanting to jump on dps head and scream at him to stop fucking everything up so blindly. parenting is not THAT hard. there are books. there is common sense. we are intelligent people so stop being such a pig headed NOB

scoobydoo. i agree with every word. i farkin wish he would.

i have brought this up. he agrees. he just allows his guilt over not being there for dss to rule his behaviour.

Doesnt your dp understand how important boundaries are and how much children need them.

Does he even realise how unpleasant his child is? Or is he in denial? I wonder what he would say if you asked him what he thought of his son and what he thought other people think of him.
Also I wonder if he has considered for a moment, what kind of adolescent/grown up his son will become.
Does he think that he is teaching his son important life skills?

My Mother (and this is one of her better comments) has always said that it is MUCH harder to be a good parent than it is to be a bad one. Your dp seems to be taking the easy route which in the long term will make life much more difficult.

I dont think parenting comes as naturally to some men as it does to women. Plus my DH had terrible parents and therefore didn't have any kind of a base on which to build his own parenting skills.

It seems you have much 'training' to do. I have been training my DH now for 12 years and he is developing into a great Dad.(though training is still on going).
I have 2 boys - one to my first husband and one to my DH (Or current husband as I like to call him!) but we still argue about the children and how we deal with each of them.

I hold my ground. Men need consistency as much as kids!

As far as the management of dss being your dp's business and not yours - well I couldn't put up with that! You are a family not a group of individuals and it sounds like your DSS needs some consistency and a secure family environment.

You are right to try to maintain the rules and to maintain control. Don't let your DP take the easy way out, but do try to make him understand what the long term implications are.

Finally and this is the stinger, dont forget he is 'just a man' and you can't expect too much as you will just be setting yourself up for disappointment. I think most of them are trainable, but some are easier than others. Good luck.

Wow. One para at a time:

Clearly no, he does not. I wish he did (he does intellectually, but the reality is not the case, so clearly he doesn?t really believe it.)

Yes, he does realise how unpleasant his child can be perceived to be. And it hurts him a a lot. He loves him intensely, and in a misguided attempt to make up for the way the world is with him, he panders to him. He wants him to know he loves him and feels that ?getting tough? with him wouldn?t send that message. Wrt what kind of a n adolescent/adult he is reaising, I think his head is in the sand. Important life skills? Erm? certainly not politeness or good socialisation skills. But he does believe that he shouldn?t stamp out his natural determination or tenatiousness as he believes these are traits which got him far in life.

Agree re taking the easy route and it being a short term solution

Disagree intensely with the men/women natural parents argument. Utter bolleaux imo. Parenting is a skill to belearnt. The only reason anyone learns how to do it is necessity. If you let a man off the responsibility, he will never learn.

I have no desire to train my dp. He is an adult and I am not his mother. We are supposed to be equals.

Couldn?t agree more with the comment about family should be united and unified.

Have tried and will continue to try to make him undersand. In the meantime, I need a little vant here and there.

?just a man???? are you serious? I am NOT raising my sons to be let off the hook in such a manner. I have never, nor will I ever believe that 50% of the population of the planet are somehow allowed to be shit parents/mechanics/balloon blowers or anything else. What a copout. And talk about selling them short.

Thank you for your support, but there are some things you say which I disagree with intensely.