Friend resentful of my second baby - advice needed

[Mamato2gorgeousboys]

My friend and I have known each other since university and there is a group of 5 of us who meet up regularly and don’t live too far apart. My friend is absolutely lovely, we were maids of honour at each other’s weddings and she is godmother to Ds1.

My friend has a dd who is 6 but she has been ttc dc2 for 5 years now. Her and her dp have just had their first dr app to discuss ivf so this is now an option. I have ds1 who is 2 and ds2 who is 4 months.

The last few times we have met up, she has been nice enough but making digs at me or watching me struggle with a 2 year old and a 4 month old when she could easily step in to hold the baby for a minute or distract the 2 year old. I have a 22 month gap so it can be hard at times as there are times when they both need me at the same time. I know I’m not being overly sensitive as she has never been like this before.

Yesterday we met and she held the baby and was making comments like “oh this nappy is absolutely soaking, when was it changed last?” (I changed it before I left the house so it was on for 1 hour max), “this bib is drenched through, how awful” (he dribbles and also had a fresh bib before we left the house), “why did mummy leave you in your pyjamas today?” (He was in a babygro). There were lots more... It felt as if she was as pointing out everything she thought I was doing wrong as if, she would do it differently/better.

My friend desperately wants another baby and I think is becoming resentful that I have what she wants as she was never like this with ds1. If I’m honest, I don’t think she even realises she’s making the passive aggressive comments. I love her so much and know that she isn’t meaning to hurt me, she is just hurting and it’s coming out in this way.

Please can I have some advise as to what to do. Do I give her space? Do I raise it as tactfully as possible? Do I just bite my tongue and still meet up? Do I ask her if she wants to hold the baby or not? I’m starting to not look forward to meeting her. She has a heart of gold and in the 15 years I’ve known her, I’ve never felt this way. I want to support her but I don’t want to rub ds2 in her face. We tend to meet in the day when her dd is at school so I have no option but to take the baby with me. I think she’s at a turning point in her life with the prospect of ivf and she is stressed out, frustrated and unhappy.

If you were ever in the position my friend is in, what would you have wanted me to do? I see us cackling into our coffees way into our old age so I want things to get better. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but equally, I just don’t want to come away from every meeting with her feeling like a crap mum or a failure.

Sounds like you have a pretty good understanding of the situation. I know it’s tricky with a baby, but could you meet up without kids at any point?

Tbh I'd leave it a few month. Or if she says wet bit yell her where clean ones are same goes for nappy.

I was in a not dissimilar situation to your friend a while back. I think at the point where she makes a snarky comment about the baby/your parenting, I would stop the conversation and acknowledge what is not being said - so I would ask her something like ‘How are you and Dh getting on with the treatment, it must be awful and you must feel so stressed - how are you coping?’ and then give her space to talk. It sounds to me like it’s the elephant in the room, and sometimes being a good friend includes having the awkward conversations.

Thanks for the replies so far.

@KidCaneGoat meeting without children is hard atm as I am ebf’ing and the baby is a bit unpredictable atm. I will as soon as I can though.

@Didiusfalco thank you for the perspective. I do ask regularly, our other friends don’t say anything as they don’t want to appear to be snooping. I don’t ask every time I see her but I do try every few weeks, sometimes she talks and sometimes she changes the subject. I even once asked her outright when pregnant with ds2 if I’m doing the right thing by asking her and if she would prefer me to stop. She said it was fine. It’s so hard as I can’t change my situation but my happiness at the minute is her unhappiness. I genuinely can’t wait for the day she makes her big announcement.

I think I’d give her the face after each comment, for a few pointed seconds. Then if she kept it up, she’d get the face and I’d say ‘Annabelle, that’s the 3rd critique of my parenting I’ve heard from you since we sat down. It’s getting a bit obvious. That’s not like you, so what’s really going on? Am I missing something?’

I’m a big believer on calling this stuff out (gently) and giving the other person a diplomatic ‘out’ if possible. Don’t take dramatic offence, but enquire calmly, by all means. It will put her on notice, even if she denies she’s doing anything.

She’ll either be more careful, or she won’t. If it happens the next time, I’d prolly end the visit early. Again, not in a huff, but with an air of exasperation. As if you find her behaviour a bit boring and rude. If, as you say, she’s actually a good person and a kind friend, she’ll sort herself out. Otherwise I propose some distance between you until she comes to terms with her issues. You’ll have given her fair warning.

Mothering is hard enough without good mates giving you passive-aggressive stick as well!

She's your best friend. Honestly I'd just say 'wow that's a bit rude. What's up with you'

Could you meet up in the evening when all the kids are asleep? Or if 4 month old doesn't sleep well invite her to your place after baby is asleep?

It sounds like your friend is really hurting right now. I think expecting her to help with your two when she's struggling to have another is a bit much, but her commenting on you're parenting isn't fair either.

@tobreatheagain - inviting her round when the dc are in bed is a good idea, thank you. Please don’t misunderstand, I don’t expect her to help as such. A silly example is I was trying to strap the baby into the car seat and ds1 decided to make a run for the door. I called him but being a delightful 2 year old, he laughed. She just stood there watching me battle with 2 when she could have easily taken his hand when I brought him back to the table. We’re massively involved with each other’s dc so that wouldn’t have been an odd thing to do. It is a very silly example I know.

Tbh she has one child why is she acting like she doesnt have kids. She should count her blessings she has at least 1! And not be nasty to friend. But def say what's up wi u got up on wrong side of bed! Lol

@missarad I think the issues have been going on for nearly 4 years now so I think she’s just tired of it all. She definitely knows she’s blessed to have dd... she is being unpleasant though.

OP, she doesn’t have a heart of gold. Child free women that are ttc don’t act like this let alone someone with a child.

Take your blinkers off and call her out every time she makes a shitty comment.

Sorry but I'd not be pandering I'd just raise an eyebrow.

I'd also distance myself a little

Call her out. No excuse.

I'd have to call her out on it im afraid. You should not put up with anyone commenting negatively on your children just because they are hurting.
I would not see her anymore if your baby is with you. If she asks why, tell her straight that everytime you meet with the baby she is nasty

You sound like such a good friend! She may be going through a hard time at the moment but that gives her NO right at all to belittle you, women should support each other and she is acting terribly.
I'm short tempered so would have called her out by now but I would definitely be telling her that it's really hurtful when she criticises your parenting, if she carries on after you've told her I would really distance myself. Being a mum of two is hard enough as it is! Let alone your best friend dragging you down every five minutes xx

She’s not just an acquaintance. She’s a very close friend. You need to head it off. The next time she does it you stop, take the baby off her, stare at her and say “ok this stops now. Do you even realise you are constantly negging me about the baby. It’s constant. What’s going on? Are you mad at me about something? This shit is hard enough without you on my back” then see what she says.

To be honest I would've already asked her to not comment on my parenting. You've done nothing wrong by having a second baby; it's no picnic and her behaviour isn't acceptable. I'd be telling her that.

She doesn’t seem to care that she’s hurting you, does she? So I wouldn’t be so concerned about tiptoeing around her. Call her out every time she makes a bitchy comment and distance yourself if she doesn’t get the message. She has no right to take her frustrations out on you, when you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.