It’s going to be a long one sorry
Dh and I have been together for 22 years. We are both 37 and have 3 teenagers.
The last 5 years have been crap. Dh had an accident where he couldn’t work for 2 years. It left us in serious debt which we got out of last year. The accident left him with ED (I think he has refused to speak to a dr about it)
Dh is working in what I feel is a dead end job but it pays the bills and we couldn’t afford for him not to work. I have worked my arse off and have worked my way up the teaching scale and last year I landed my perfect job. I feel he is so jealous of this. I have met new people and am happier than I have ever been in work. I have been encouraging Dh to maybe look for other work as he has the qualifications and skills. He doesn’t want to do this he just wants to moan about how lucky I am and how shit he has it. He makes a big deal about he has supported my career. I personally don’t feel he has at all. When I was training DH had a job where he was away 2 weeks a month. I looked after 3 young children, worked as a TA and studied in to the early hours each night. He wasn’t here to help. Every job I have had I have worked it around the children. He has never taken a day off because a child had been sick or a dentist appointment. I feel a lot of resentment towards him saying he supported me.
I think he’s low level depressed but he’s been to the drs a few times over the years and he has been given therapy and anti depressants. He went to the therapy but refused the medication.
He does nothing. He has no social life at all. He chooses not to go out. He can go whenever he wants but he doesn’t. He whinges whenever I go out for dinner with girlfriends but if I sit at home he just falls asleep on the sofa.
He is generally good with sharing housework but is crap when it comes to doing anything bigger like decorating. He just refuses to do it. We have a joint bank account and we both have access to our money but he whinges about how much I spend on food (I don’t think £80-£130 for a family of 5 including cleaning products and toiletries is that much) if I buy myself anything he moans. I ignore all of this but it gets me down.
He shouts at the teenagers all of the time and swears a lot. The teenagers now shout all of the time too and I feel this has been taught by example. When having a conversation with my year 11 about exams and revision he just walked in a started shouting that he wasn’t doing enough and he would take his xbox away if he didn’t knuckle down. Ds is looking at getting 7s-8s in exams and I have no worries at all. It ended with ds just walking away from him.
And then there is the ED. Honestly? I am fucking fuming about it. I am so cross and resentful about it (I have never showed him this but it is eating me up inside) why can’t he go to a dr about it? I have lost a lot of confidence in myself due to being rejected time and time again. He has managed to get a few erections over the last 6 weeks but they are at random times when sex isn’t convenient - I was walking out of the door to parents evening!! He then says fine I will have a wank! I am so hurt by this. For 5 years I have been so sexually frustrated and he has done nothing to help that. I have never expected him to pleasure me when he has not been in the mood and I never would but I’ve been made to feel like shit because I wouldn’t open my legs as soon as he got horny.
I don’t know how to go forward. The thought of this for the rest of my life makes me feel ill. I’ve had the chat with him and said I don’t think it’s working very well at the moment and maybe we should separate for a while and he just sat in silence. 15 minutes later he is back to normal as if it never happened. I’ve started snapping quite a bit at him and the children have started to tell me I’m making dad the way he is as I’m always having a go. I’ve never raised my voice at him. My problem is I’ve started to become passive aggressive to him.
Does anyone have any advice? I don’t actually know how we would split up as we could no way afford to run two properties rent or mortgage. The mortgage for our home is in his name anyway so i don’t know if I would be entitled to anything.
We have been together since we were 15 and I’ve never known anything else. I don’t know what to do.