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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Emotional abuse?

16 replies

Notmynameok · 30/01/2020 17:18

Ok so I'll give you a bit of background. I had an email a week of so ago asking for participants for a tv show about hypnotism I sent an email as it said £50 would be given if you was called to casting. I sent the email and forgot all about it.

Today at lunchtime I received a phone call telling me I had been successful. Dh came home for lunch whilst I was on the phone. I explained what it was and that I had been called to an appointment that would take an hour and i would receive £50 and if I was successful I would take part in the tv show.

Dh went back to work and I received a messaged saying it wasn't safe for me to do that and being hypnotised would be unsafe as anything could happen to me. I explained to him that I would be completely safe and that I wasn't planning on taking part I was just going to go for the free £50. He was sending text after text so I tried to reassure him that it was safe and went as far as saying I'm sure there will be younger more attractive people there than myself so they will most likely get picked.

Well shit hit the fan massively. He was telling me I couldn't go and I was insulting him by even suggesting I would want to do this. He said I was taking the piss organising this behind his back and that he wouldn't have married me if he knew I was going to be like this he said I wasn't working as a team and had insulted his intelligence. I pointed out that he was being possessive and controlling and said I was more than capable to decide whether i wanted to do this or not. He told me the relationship was over and that he was not coming home from work.

He has told me i have caused irreversible damage to the relationship and he can't get passed this. I feel all because he didn't get his own way and I said I would still go. Do you think this is controlling? I do!

OP posts:
kitk · 30/01/2020 17:22

Well it's not great but is it a one off? Maybe he has a particular reason for not wanting you to go that you don't know about. If he's not normally like this I'd be inclined to dig a little deeper and find out why he's so bothered by it

user142745271 · 30/01/2020 17:24

Hang on, who sent you the random email about being hypnotised on TV for £50?

Notmynameok · 30/01/2020 17:45

I am signed up to a production company as they send me free tickets etc... they sent the casting email.

He has done things similar before just not on this scale and I normally end up blaming myself.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 30/01/2020 17:54

Although I am wary of these types of emails I would still say that yes, he is being controlling. He has massively overreacted and I wouldn't be happy.

It might be a blessing in disguise if he doesn't come home from work. He wants you to beg him to come home. Call his bluff and don't contact him.

What an arse.

pog100 · 30/01/2020 18:00

Of course it's a massive overreaction! A normal partner works probably wanted to advise you to watch our for any dodginess but he seems to see you as belonging to him and having to obey him. Obviously ignore him, whether it's a deal breaker for you depends on his usual behaviour I guess. You don't sound down trodden or controlled?

allthedamnvampires · 30/01/2020 19:28

He's gone a bit mental for sure but I don't see how you can call this emotional abuse. There must be a backstory if so. Hope he's home soon and you can find out what his problem is.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 30/01/2020 19:45

Don't carry out important conversations by text. He was there face to face and then texted you. If he does it again just reply ok we'll discuss this when you get home. Much easier to find out what's bothering him. I find hypnotism freaky it's the out of control aspect of it. Something's triggered him, just find out what face to face

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 30/01/2020 19:46

But the threats about not coming home, that's a red flag

12345kbm · 30/01/2020 19:53

It seems to me as if he's escalating the situation as he's looking for an out. Some people manufacture arguments to leave the house as they have someone else or just don't want to be the one to end the relationship so they behave badly.

You've done nothing wrong. You're an adult and, although a partner has every right to be concerned about you, they don't get to dictate what you can or cannot do. He's not your dad. I would see if this kind of behaviour becomes a pattern and start organising your exit if so.

RebelWithVerySharpClaws · 30/01/2020 19:57

He is being very weird and controlling. It does sound as though he is escalating the situation, either to teach you a lesson because you stood up to him or because he wants to leave the relationship. Either way he is a tosser

allthedamnvampires · 03/02/2020 08:36

@Notmynameok how are things now?

Notmynameok · 03/02/2020 09:14

Ok I suppose. He said he was insecure because I tried to reassure him by saying there would be better looking people than myself there. He said I should have known that would upset him... I obviously didn’t know this otherwise I wouldn’t have said it. He said he doesn’t want me to go.
I pointed out to him that he doesn’t like me going out or doing things with my friends and that this is suffocating. He argued that he doesn’t go out either so I didn’t feel bad that he didn’t. I’ve never asked him to not go out with friends I would welcome it but I guess I’ll have to work through everything.

OP posts:
NotStayingIn · 03/02/2020 09:19

I’m sorry OP but those updates do paint a bad picture. It’s not healthy that he is so controlling and justifies you not being allowed to go out with friends as he doesn’t do it either. He has a very warped view of how relationships work. I’m glad you’re seeing through his behaviour.

KennyRogersWasNotInStarWars · 03/02/2020 09:24

He’s insecure that some people are better looking than you? Confused

You don’t have to work through everything if you don’t want to. I wouldn’t want to work things out with someone who had an issue with me going out with friends!

Interestedwoman · 03/02/2020 09:27

It is controlling, and he sounds like he has an unpredictable temper. Do you feel you have to walk on eggshells around him?

'He said he was insecure because I tried to reassure him by saying there would be better looking people than myself there. He said I should have known that would upset him... '

Why would that upset him? Did he mean because if you did go you might be around younger men? Controlling again!

'I pointed out to him that he doesn’t like me going out or doing things with my friends and that this is suffocating. He argued that he doesn’t go out either so I didn’t feel bad that he didn’t. I'

Controlling again, again. If he's happy not to have a life, doesn't mean you have to be the same.

allthedamnvampires · 03/02/2020 10:35

Agree this is controlling. Actually this is appalling behaviour. 'You should have known [random thing] would upset him' is a red flag. Your instincts about there being emotional abuse are probably right. Did you discuss his threats to end the relationship and how are things now?

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