I think we're at the end of the road...how to know for sure?

[Beebearjo]

I have been with my partner for 14 years. I have an older child from a previous relationship and 3 children age 8 and 10 between us.
Things haven't been right for many years. We generally get along okay but our communication has always been quite poor. My partner has had some anger issues which have calmed a lot in recent years, but have caused harm regarding how I feel about him and the relationship with my eldest, now adult, child.
Intimacy has been slowly eroding over many years without either one of us mentioning it. We havent had sex in many years and only hug or kiss in a way you may hug or kiss a friend, and even that is very rare.
I'm so scared of making a mistake by either staying or going and feel a bit paralysed by indecision, mainly now centered around the hurt it would cause the younger children. But then I think it's better to split now if there is no chance of getting a satisfying relationship for both of us.
My partner is taking it quite badly since I mentioned that splitting up may be a possibility a couple of weeks ago. He was sent home from work last week as he was breaking down.
We have been to one councelling session which set the scene and have our next one tomorrow. I need to be certain but it just seems so huge and overwhelming. Is it obvious to everyone else that thete is no getting back from this or have others managed to do it. I'm not even sure I want to
Any advice welcome.
Not sure of it's the done thing but I have also posted in another section...

Hi there..I'm in a similar situation.it's an awful time and so much going off and where to even start.
Questions I ask myself is..
Am I truly happy
Our my children happy
Do I feel loved
Can I see myself with someone else
How would you feel if your DH moved on how would that make you feel?

I feel that somehow I've lost who I am and there's no laughter no intamcy and it hurts..I find myself looking at couples wishing I had what they had.
My DH has had depression and it's like he's not the same man I fell for..after years of feeling like this..I know I want more..but I'm so scared of hurting my children..but I know ulitamilty if I'm happy so will they...
Life is so short you have to be happy..
Big hugs I know how hard it is xx

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you. Nothing from what I have read here, it sounds utterly miserable and this should have ended years ago. Just because your partner too has taken it badly does not mean to say you should not split up with him.

This relationship is over but he won't let you go easily; abusive people do not like to do that at all. And staying now for the youngest children is no reason to stay with him either. Whose sake is that for really (more like yours because its somehow "easier"). All you are teaching these kids now is that a loveless relationship could well be their norm too; a happy relationship is certainly not their birthright. This is no legacy to leave these young people.

Can you elucidate further re his anger issues?. And what about his relationship to date with your eldest child?. Do you yourself have any relationship with your eldest these days or does he/she not visit very often if at all?.

He is likely to have an anger problem but not in the ways you think. It could be that he has a problem with anger, your anger, when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviours.

If you have counselling I would attend such sessions on my own; certainly not with him present. You need to be able to talk freely and he may well not give you that opportunity.

Hope you are ok. This sounds so much like what i am going through at the moment. I feel numb. Genuinly not sure if its a bad patch that can be fixed or if its the end.

Together 16 years. 1 previous child. 3 together (18, 15, 12, 10) Bad patch 5 years ago but things been good since until last month. Dont even feel upset - just feel done. No enormous arguments, no one else involved - just no emotion left in the relationship, no warmth, laughter, physical affection. Dont feel like we have anything in common and becoming more apparent now the kids older.

I feel just like you, OP, so really do sympathise with you. No words of advice, but you're not alone. Sometimes I feel DH & I can't go further, other times I think that we will look back on this time as a difficult period that has made us stronger. I don't know.

What you've said about seeing other couples together and wanting that is something I really understand. I see people who look so happy and in love and wish that was how I felt!