Is "I need newness" a mature reason to break up a family?

[AwkwardQuestion1]

Just that really.

Together 10 years. Two kids. After a crush revealed the feeling was mutual, partner announced they had realised they "needed" the freshness and newness of a new love interest. They gave me two options:

a) We stay married but I accept I am just a platonic friend now and the new person will be her main romantic priority (scratch that, main priority full stop so long as the butterflies last).

b) If I can't accept this, I have the right to initiate divorce proceedings.

Option a) was their preference. We did therapy and I was told that I had done nothing wrong. I was actually a very good companion who they admired greatly. However, this new person had been the catalyst for them to realise they had a need to undertake serial monogomous relationships. Newness and mystery were no longer something I could supply and they could not live without experiencing this again (YOLO and all that). Since they needed this, they could not allow themselves to spend the rest of their lives in misery (from denying themselves this). Their misery would = unhappy household which would hurt the kids more than us divorcing.

I did file for divorce in the end. Everything became so toxic - so many secrets and lies - that I had to nuke our family for the sake of all our sanities. No-one else was going to, and yet I was the one who did not want it. But I still struggle with the rationale. My ex admitted the other person could well end up just a fling. They just said the idea of living the rest of their life passing over opportunities to do the whole "falling in love with someone new" roller coaster again was something they found horrifying. So, for the sake of their sanity, they had to break the family up.

A lot is posted on here by people saying that breaking up to meet your "needs" is valid and not selfish. YOLO, again. You can't be expected to live the rest of your life in misery. And I won't deny their right to make that choice - not that they made that choice, rather they forced me to make it for them. But where do "needs" for one's own self-empowerment tip into "needs" for one's own self-interest? Is there even such a distinction? Is there no such thing as selfishness - only self-enabling that others judge unfairly?

You have obviously thought a lot about this, and I was kind of with you until I got to the end and realised I couldn’t really understand what you are asking.

In your partner’s position I would not have offered a choice between a and b but just left.

I think people probably do exist on a continuum of selflessness to selfishness and that those closer to the selfishness end of that spectrum are more likely to feel as your ex does and prioritise themselves in relationships and life in general.

Both have the potential to be negative and positive traits depending on the situation. Selflessness can lead to bitterness and lack of fulfilment.

Sometimes I think the selfishness in your sort of scenario is a kind of short-term, hedonistic attitude rather than a maturer, long-term vision. That can seem to have immediate pay off, but it won't necessarily entail higher overall levels of life satisfaction when reflecting on the death bed. Selfishness doesn't always work out.

Everyone's got to do what they've got to do. I think finding someone who shares your values regarding prioritisation of the relationship and each other over and above the highs of novelty and self-seeking delight may be key for the future.

We all do our best to feel fulfilled, but it's a hard job! Some needs are in direct opposition to others (eg. independence vs belonging). Often we don't fully understand the entirety of our needs. Sometimes are needs are warped by psychological wounding (exaggerated or depreciated). And to cap it all, they can change over time. We all do our best to find the right compromise between all the demands, but getting it right is the art of life - which takes a lifetime to master!

I feel your thinking too much into this. Your partner had a fling, decided she was bored of family life and wanted to do her own thing. It's not a case of selfish vs self love. It's a case of where her priorities lie and how happy she feels. And obviously she chose not to be with you anymore. She did it in a shit way of making you choose and you be the one to decide to end it. That's unfair, she should've just said "look, I'm not happy, I miss being single, our relationship isn't satisfying me anymore, I'm leaving." where's your head at now? Have you moved forward?

It sounds like she didn't love you anymore, that's certainly a valid reason to divorce. But the way she went about it was very unfair. She should have initiated the break up, not forced you to do it.