Hey,
This may be a long one 😕
We have been together for 13 years & married for about half that. We have 2 young children together.
I have gone through phases of feeling like I should leave on & off since before we were married. I dont know if I am a self sabotager or whether his behaviour is not normal? Bear in mind we have always been jokey with each other & taken the p* sometimes.
Before we had children there were times when I thought is behaviour was not fair. I will list through the lot & try not to take things out of context:
- Before kids, we were both in the local pub with friends. He had work the next day so wanted to come home. I wanted to stay. He told me I had to go with him & I wasnt staying on my own. When I challenged him that he stays on his own, why is it any different, he said "because it is".
- I was driving him & his friend in his newish car, trying to reverse it out of the drive with the electric parking brake & the car kept sliding forwards. He was getting very irritable & was shouting at me what I needed to do, saying i was doing it wrong. He then said "Get out, I'll do it!", stormed round to my side, opened my door & told me to get out. His friend looked a bit shocked in the back.
*More recently, summer last year. We were in the garden with his friend & the kids. One of the children was complaining their eyes were stinging. So I said maybe they had sunscreen in their eye. So i wiped it with a baby wipe. They still complained that it was hurting & started crying. My husband said/shouted "why did you put it so close to their eyes?". I said "I obviously didnt mean to, it must have just got rubbed in, I was careful". He just shouted at me for getting it in their eyes in front of his friend. Dragged my little one into the house & sprayed the shower hose in their face to get it out.
- we were in the pub with his friend & the kids & were planning on going home fairly early. I had a bit too much to drink considering the kids were there & he said we needed to go home. I said "I don't want to go" he said " we're going!", I was like "let's just stay out for a bit" he shouted "the kids are tired, we weren't staying out late, we're going NOW!" I said "no", he then grabbed the pram rain cover & threw it at me & said " you stay with the kids then". Me & his friend thought, why couldn't he have just taken the kids home & I stayed out for a bit.
Over the years he has said, whenever we get in an argument or bicker, that it is his house, his TV. If I ask if I can sit on the good bit of the sofa, he'll say no, it's his sofa. If I challenge that, he will say "no, you picked the chair, I picked the sofa". We always have to watch what he wants on TV. He puts me down about certain things that I say I want to do, saying I wont be able to do it. But then at other times he will build me up.
He says he is happy for me to go out with friends but, fairly regularly it seems that he will start an argument before I go out. As he goes out every Friday, I said, well it's only fair if I go out every Saturday then
He says "no, it's not gonna happen, so you can get that out of your head". I ask why, he says "coz we'd never see each other" I say " but you wouldn't be willing to give up your odd Friday for us to spend more time together?".
Countless times he goes out on a fri, tells me he wont be late, then comes in after midnight. He will then sleep til midday the next day/be too hungover to do anything with me & the kids.
He criticises a lot of the little things I do. Says "how would you manage without me/you're lucky to have me" in a jokey way sometimes.
He loses his temper quickly with the kids. He has never laid a hand on them, but he regularly shouts at them & gets in their face. It really upsets me. I have recently told him this.
He works full time, mainly from home. He can often tailor his day & will sometimes have a 2hr lunch break, the odd nap, go on his game & other days, work his arse off. He does most of the cooking & will clean the kitchen 50/50. He will do kids drop offs & pick ups when I'm at work.
I work part time. I have the kids on my days off, do all the house work that I can fit in, walk the dog. Take the kids to classes, etc. I do feel sometimes like he's not bothered about the kids & the new things that they do. Sometimes in the heat of an argument he has said "well you wanted them!!".
Sometimes when we talk through our arguments, he will say "I never said that/I dont think I have ever said that".
He will say about certain friends, that he doesn't like them, or complain about my family. I dont usually complain about his unless he starts it off & then it is usually about trivial things!
Its like he does things the right way & if they're not done like that, it's wrong.
He controls the finances. We have a joint account, but he sorts what goes where & I am grateful for that, but he does always question what I've spent & what I've bought & tell me we cant afford things. But on a few occasions he has spent massive amounts on gadgets at the end of the month & it will be fine when he leaves us overdrawn but not fine for me.
I do feel like there are a lot of double standards. He thinks he is entitled to more of a social life because he works full time & I have time through the week to socialise. I have tried to explain that it is not the same type of socialising when the kids are around (as much as I love them).
We have both dealt with ill mental health over the past few years & helped each other through. I love him, he has been my best friend, but I dont know if I fancy him anymore. We have talked about things a lot lately. He finds it very hurtful if I say controlling. We are both trying very hard. I just wonder if it is going to change anything in the long term.
Thanks for listening xx