Friend hasn't told me she's split up with husband.

[Camopetals]

My friend and I live at other ends of the country but have always maintained a lovely, warm friendship.

About 5 years ago she met a local bloke and they got engaged quite quickly. He seemed really pleasant, much more level headed and hard working than some of the other men she's been out with.

She has quite a small circle of family and friends so although she didn't have bridesmaids or a MoH I was an informal part of the bridal party, my partner went on the stag do etc. It was a really special day.

The year after we all went camping together, had a great time etc.

They've had the usual ups and downs, which we've chatted about at times. She always seemed to value my support, as I do hers.

About this time last year she had a terrible rough patch with her mental health, triggered by the death of a close aunt. She was absolutely distraught and received some help from the crisis team - her older sister, husband and I rallied round and took care of her as best we could until she got back on her feet.

I haven't heard from her much in the intervening months but I didn't think too much of it, I assumed she was getting back into her work, focusing on herself etc. She did visit us with her husband when they were up my way for some function or other and everything was fine, we had a really relaxed day eating home cooked food, walking the dog etc.

Then in November I was contacted by her husband who told me they had separated, that he had moved out and whilst he agreed they each needed some space it was more her decision than his. He didn't go into details and I didn't get the sense he was trying to get me 'onside' as he respects that I'm more her friend than his - but he seemed to be hinting he wanted me to look out for her, that she might be a bit vulnerable again. I told him I'd wait for her to get in touch and of course would be there for her when she's ready to talk - but I've still not heard from her.

Do you think I should be worried? Should I tell her I know?

She's been posting a lot online and I must say she looks great and has been spending a lot of time with another of her close friends down where she lives, they've had a few weekends away etc. She also has her sister. I assume she's getting all the support she needs from them but can't be certain. At the end of the day I just want what is best for her and won't be at all offended if she doesn't want to confide in me, but I am struggling to make sense of it tbh.

I would tell her you know. I also don’t really get the waiting for her to contact you regardless. If you’re close friends living miles apart would you not still ‘check in’ on each other regularly with a text/ call/ whatsapp message?

A. She might know her ex told you and be wondering why you haven't contacted her and be hurt you haven't been in touch
B. She might think you don't know and be planning to tell you next time you talk and be hurt you haven't been in touch
C. She might not want to tell you because she's hoping he'll come back/ in a total state of denial/ mentally unwell/ doesn't like you/ thinks you're on his side or a million other reasons why.

The only way to find out is to get in touch and ask how she is. Why are you waiting?

Please contact her

Sometimes it’s really hard to tell people you’ve split up, even if you instigated the break. It can take a while to come to terms with it yourself. You also don’t know the circumstances-either or both may have had an affair and that can be hard to admit. Contact her, just to check in, say you know they’ve split and offer your support.

Please get in touch with her and tell her that you know.

I did this. I didn't tell anyone that my dh and I had separated, not even my family. Eventually I told my brother (months later) but only as I had to because it involved family coming to stay with me.

I didn't know how to tell people.
I suppose I was embarrassed in a way that my marriage hadn't worked out.
I didn't want to think about it and if I then had to start up the conversation to tell people, that meant I had to think about it and talk about it iyswim.

There are so many reasons why she hasn't told you, but the fact that her stbx has contacted you, he is probably concerned about her.

Please let her know you know.

I don't understand why you're waiting for her to get in touch, if you think phoning is too intrusive then email or text but please make some sort of contact, she'll be really hurt not to hear from you otherwise.

She's your friend you live and care for each other, maybe she feels ok and doesn't want to worry you, maybe there was always problems that she didn't tell you about maybe she doesn't want to go over it . But reach out tell her you have heard they have split up and you hope she's ok.

I honestly don't understand why you aren't in touch? Just phone her/text her as normal & tell her that her husband contacted you.
All this second guessing, hanging around waiting for her to contact you is a bit weird OP.
I'd understand if you weren't close friends. You either are or you're not!.

Why an earth have you not kept in contact even once a month. She is your friend going through a mental health crisis and you're waiting for her to contact you. X

I find it strange you heard your close friend and her DH split up and didn't contact her.

She probably knows you know and is hurt by the fact you haven't checked in on her.

You are close? But when her Husband told you, you're automatic response was that your wait for her contact you? Eh? Months later, she hadn't, and you still haven't text her?

He told you they'd broken up and you've done nothing????? I find that so odd! And so must she. If their break-up was as amicable as it sounds, then I'd assume he's told her he let you know.

You're actually making it all about you by wanting her to get in contact, like you deserve some kind of special treatment!

Don't be surprised by the time you do get in touch that the friendship has cooled and she's off with you. I'd have been gutted if someone I saw as a best friend didn't bother to reach out to me if I was getting divorced.

Also, if she knows he's told her, she may now thinks your lack of contact means you've taken his side.

I’m another one really surprised you haven’t contacted her?

Why don’t you get in touch?

Oh god I've messed this up haven't I?

I have been in touch twice, once by phone but no answer (which is not unusual for us, we're always missing each other) and then by WhatsApp over xmas/ new year but she avoided any talk about her and instead deflected onto a sick relative of mine, which has probably contributed to my sense that she doesn't want talk about/ acknowledge it. But I should have just bit the bullet at that point.

I've noticed several people mention her husband on social media eg wishing them both well over Xmas (and her wording her reply so as to not mention him) so I'm certainly not the only one she hasn't told.

I'm not her closest/ best friend, and she's not mine (which is why we do sometimes go for weeks without talking) but I care about her a lot, especially after her illness last year. I'm on it, will call her tonight and failing that a heartfelt email.

Thank you for giving me a shake.

💐 Good Luck x

I found it really difficult to tell people my partner and I had split up. Some people, I asked my mum to pass on the message for me, because i just found it so wearing - especially people who I didn't bump into on a day to day basis. It seems just a bit of a mood killer or a bit weird to just text out of the blue 'oh, by the way, DP and i split up. byeeee!'.

But, if someone got in touch now, to say sorry, they didn't want to intrude, and was i ok - I wouldn't be upset. Especially if I hadn't told them directly. Get in touch - send her a text, or write her a letter or something. She'll appreciate it :)

Give her a call. Tell her you know but that you knew she must've been having a tough time and that you didn't want to put any pressure on her to talk so wanted to give her space and time, but as you haven't heard from her in a while you wanted to check in and make sure she's ok.

Maybe they got back together?