Ghosted by fling at work

[Disney4me]

About 6 months ago I started a fling with a guy at work, different team but same office. There has been lots of messaging, kissing, intimate contact but we have only actually had sex once.

He has always been a bit hot and cold with but as time has gone on my feelings for him have intensified but clearly his feelings for me have not.

Just after Christmas he was messaging me lots, kissing me etc and saying we must meet up property again soon. All of a sudden straight after that he just went silent on me. The messages I sent to him about meeting up went ignored. I've been feeling pretty upset by this as have seen him around the office etc but he still hasn't replied. He doesn't acknowledge me at work.

A couple of days ago, after a month of no contact from him I sent him a message asking how he was and saying that I missed him. And still nothing from him.

To be honest i am struggling with how upset and worthless this makes me feel. Not only that I find it so rude and unnecessary to just ghost me, especially as we have to see each other every day!

I'm perceived by him and everyone as nice and quiet and sweet... wouldn't say boo to a goose etc and I think he thinks he can just treat me like this without repercussions.

I will give him a bit of time to see if he does actually respond but if not I want to call him out on his behaviour and tell him I think he is a coward for ghosting me. Is it wrong to do that? It will make me feel so much better and in control of the situation. I think he needs to be told and I think it will help me move on.

No, don´t contact him again. It won´t actually make you feel better. It would release pent up emotion immediately, but then he won't respond, he will keep on ignoring you, and you will feel like shit about having revealed so much of your own thoughts and feelings to someone who doesn't think you are worthy of a response.

What you should do is play him at his own game. Out-ghost him at work. When you see him, you be the one to walk past and look away. Behave like he doesn't exist. This guy is not good enough for you and does not deserve your emotional energy. Deciding and behaving like that is what will give you confidence and make you feel better.

You’ve sent him messages (plural) about meeting you, which he has ignored.

You then sent a message again a couple of days ago, which he has ignored.

And now you want to message him again.

Look, the ghosting thing is totally crap, it’s shit, but when someone ignores your messages (plural) and complete blanks and ignores you personally on a daily basis... which bit of that doesn’t tell you that they want no further contact with you?

If an employee came to me with a complaint about you, I’d have to take it seriously.

You're all right... ice cold silence from now on. I will just blank him at work. Shit, why did I send that message the other day... I'm cringing at myself, can't undo that though. Just feel sad now 🙁

This is why you should not get involved with a person you work with. Even though many in the past met that way, I think things have changed.

At least he has made you understand he is a nasty person. Nice men don’t act like this even if you split. He is rude and childish.

Sounds to me as though he's either been in a relationship the whole time or met someone else more recently. To echo pretty much everyone else, leave well alone now.

If I were you, I would remove his number from your phone now. It will remove the temptation.

Personally I don't agree that asking someone for an explanation means losing your dignity. I think it holds people accountable and so what if he's uncomfortable. He will know well that he is behaving like a shit and he doesn't want to face the consequences of his actions, hence the ignoring.

However, saying that, you must decide which action will make you feel better in yourself and which you can live with. If you would rather he didn't know how much he has hurt you, then don't approach him.

Block . Delete.
Just go about your job. Ignore.
Find another interest.

I had someone do this to me once then a few months later, he contacted me to say how sorry he was etc. We arranged to meet but he stood me up and then ghosted me again! Best thing to do is delete his number out of your phone right now. Trust me, you'll get over this quickly, he's a waste of space. Worst case scenario, you could end up losing your job if he makes a complaint about you (which I doubt he would) but I'd keep well away from this one if I were you! Yes it's unfair and I feel for you but you need to forget about him.

GUARANTEED that you go ice cold on him and it will have the adverse effect that he will come running like a dog. If he does this, still ignore him. He's shown you his hand.

Don't cringe too much over the ONE message you sent.

It's done. You sent it because you're human and you entered in to the relationship because you felt something. You treat people with respect.

You weren't to know that he would so shamelessly use a colleague!

He has shown very clearly that he's not good enough for you . He's a user. He feels cool treating a colleague like this. He hasn't even tried to communicate with you so you know that he is not a great guy, he cannot communicate simple messages if they're even slightly awkward, he left you figuring things out TWICE really.

HE is not good enough for you

Good on you OP.. ice this cretin out your system.

Bet hes married or in a relationship.
Just go and ask him and then u have closure x

@CoffeeCoinneseur really? you'd take that seriously if he had had a relationship (of sorts) with somebody at work but failed to communicate that it was 1) casual and 2) over.

I agree not to message him. He will ignore you or just reply saying hes been busy or something. He is NOT going to say 'you're right, I've been horrible and I'll change my behaviour going forward'. He is clearly the type of person that doesn't care about your feelings, he will just think you're 'crazy' or that you really really liked him and he wont care that he hurt you.

I'm sorry it hurts, truly, but yeah, let it go and hold your head high. Counselling could help you. Best of luck.

Yes, out-ice him, turn away first, and make sure you look amazing. Enjoy being friendly and dazzling around other people. Put energy into things which make you feel good and when you think you can’t get any colder on him, double it up.

Stay strong. Some people behave abominably and it’s always a bit of a shock. He’s a pathetic little weasel who can’t handle grown-up conversations.

I'd do one final message saying what you said here and be honest and brutal and then draw a line and move on and LEARN from this.

NO NO NO! No more messages!
I know you want to give him a piece of your mind, and feel like that will help.
The way he has treated you is awful. But remember that is a reflection on him, NOT you.

Because it's work you're gonna have to gain some control. Avoid him as much as reasonably possible. And at the times you have no choice to talk or work together, keep things brief, professional. He won't have a foot stand on if you are pleasant and professional.

Keep yourself busy, both in work and outside. Delete his number! Do things to make yourself feel better, concentrate some energy on yourself.

It's going to feel rubbish for a while. But it will get better, and one day something will click, and you just won't feel this way anymore.

You will be grateful that you held your dignity, and will be at peace even without the closure you feel you desperately need right now.

Thanks all for your help. I have been feeling surprisingly strong today. I'm not going to send any more messages. I have now blocked him which although I'm sure he will never realise it makes me feel a bit better.

The upside to this turmoil is that I have lost a bit of weight and that makes me feel better about myself. I have been strutting through the office with my head held high haha. The plan going forward is to be super friendly and smiley to everyone else, especially those he works with and completely blank him and pretend he doesn't exist!

Yay to blocking! Deleted also, I hope?

He's shown you he's a creep so demote him in your mind to "some jerk in the office".

Glad to here you're feeling better!

Just be careful of completely blanking, this could be something he could twist in the future for his own advantage.... Unfortunately I speak from horrid experience in the past.

You can still be friendly, but not friends/shagging.
If you want to remain in your job; unfortunately you're going to have to 'suck it up' until you are over him.

We don't have to work together for anything... in the early days he used to come to me for help but he doesn't now. If he ever does again, I will act like I do towards everyone else then blank him again!

Making a big show of ignoring him, is still giving him too much head space and looking like you care too much. Just go about your business. Be polite if he talks to you but otherwise move on to better things. That is the best, most dignified response.