Finally admitted to myself that it's over

[TheyCalledherPatience]

Hi
I've posted before on my own and others threads about my husband's affair. Very briefly, it was for a long time and she was the one who told me. We have young children.
Anyway, after over a year of trying, after individual counselling and couples counselling, after spending time together and time apart, I have finally accepted today that this can't be fixed. He can't try anything more than he has. I simply don't love him any more and don't want my life to be like this.
I feel relieved, sad, empty, scared of telling him in case he changes my mind and a little bit excited for the future all at once.

I remember those feelings. You need to feel each and every one to come through the other side.

Yes, you will have some dark days but my advice would be to reflect lots and rediscover you...its an amazing feeling.

Keep strong OP.

I'm excited about that. This past year I have lost a lot of myself as every waking hour has seen me thinking about what happened and worrying about what to do. I want to be free from that.

And you will be. What I found fantastic was the little milestones that I achieved...first holiday abroad/keeping the house tidy/guilt free drinks with friends/fwb and then OLD. All of these things just took me a step closer to me.

You are now the master of your own destiny now OP!

A major catalyst in realising this was chatting to a guy at a party and realising I was interested. And so was he. And even though nothing happened, and nothing was even said, knowing that I felt like that is enough. That's not how I want my marriage to be.

@TheyCalledherPatience I was telling someone recently that having feelings for someone else was the thing that made me excited to leave my husband rather than apprehensive. it was an abusive marriage, I got out with the help of women's aid and a few weeks before I left I chatted to someone I used to know, we flirted, I found out he was divorced and it made my heart flutter and I couldn't stop thinking about him for days. Nothing happened apart from those couple of messages about his marriage but I realised I hadn't had those heart flutters in years and I wanted them back.

Good luck with the future - it's a weird mix of emotions when you leave but it can be exciting!

Thanks for replying. I realise I didn't really ask anything in my post but I guess what I want is this sort of thing, encouragement and to focus on the positives to this to keep me going and stop me changing my mind when I know it's for the best.