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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do you avoid disappointment?

12 replies

Itcantbejustme · 29/01/2020 18:20

I seem to be in a constant cycle of disappointment. Husband and I seem to be having a tough patch with everything getting on top of us and then him mainly snapping at me. I have told him a few times that I never get apologies and I never feel appreciated. An argument recently would have resulted in serious grovelling and flowers chocolates etc by most other men, I told him this and still nothing. Since then he must have made me cry dozens of times, I've been really having a hard time between him and our son my mental and physical health has taken a beating and I'm so down in the dumps but still get nothing been off sick but not had a message saying how are you, no popping to shop to get me things, no fave bar of choc to cheer me up nothing. I feel so let down it's really silly that I sit here thinking I'm sure he will go to shop and buy me some flowers then I'm disappointed. How do I get past the disappointment how do I stop my brain from living in a romcom? I just want to feel appreciated and loved, not constantly disappointed and fighting tears ☹️
(For the record I often get him little treats, be it his favourite biscuits when I'm shopping or re organising things so he can attend an event, or setting aside evenings to watch a favourite film with him, cook his favourite tea etc.)

OP posts:
Greenglassteacup · 29/01/2020 18:22

He’s taking you for granted. Stop doing thoughtful things for him

BecauseReasons · 29/01/2020 18:25

You don't live in a rom-com, as you've said. What matters is how he treats you everyday and the boring day to day stuff you do for each other. Anyone can go and buy some one-off flowers, they mean nothing. My worst relationship was with someone who was an absolutely rubbish partner day to day but very good at grand romantic gestures. Ask yourself, how does he treat you in general?

Shoxfordian · 29/01/2020 18:27

He doesn't treat you like someone he likes and he's supposed to love you

user142745271 · 29/01/2020 18:28

How often is he doing things that warrant apologies? How often is he snapping at you?

What has he done in the past that made you feel loved and appreciated?

WellHolyGodMiley · 29/01/2020 18:29

Avoiding the row in the first place would be better.

Flowers dont BUY him the right to snap at you. I would step down. Step back. You are married and living in same house but snapping you cannot be his little coping mechanism.
Be more resilient and get boundaries

Pamspeople · 29/01/2020 18:29

He's made you cry dozens of times? Why would you live with someone who makes you cry? What does he do to show you he loves you?

I'm sorry you're going through this

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 29/01/2020 18:30

This is heartbreaking - what you are basically asking is "how can I make my needs for love and appreciation so small that living with a callous dickhead no longer hurts me so much?"

Itcantbejustme · 29/01/2020 18:35

I suppose he never has been the one for the grand gestures either, I just thought he might notice how down I was and do something to make it better I kinda feels like it hasn't been noticed in a way.
He claims he is having a tough time with his mental health it all starts getting a bit tit for tat, I say I've got a cold instead of "urgh poor you" it's well I've got flu and I'm still going to work. I get upset he says "I don't need this again, I've had a tough day" instead of why are you upset that kind of thing.
I guess it's just a tough patch I know he loves me I just want to be appreciated

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 29/01/2020 18:36

Your need for apologies and flowers and chocolates etc are some what puzzling.

What are these arguments about? What are the real reasons why you feel unappreciated?

Why is he snapping at you? How and why is he making you cry?

In other words, what is actually going on in your marriage?

Pamspeople · 29/01/2020 18:49

He sounds so unkind.

How does he show you that he loves you?

Interestedwoman · 29/01/2020 20:53

'How do I get past the disappointment how do I stop my brain from living in a romcom?

Have you told him that you'd like these sort of things? He sounds awful in all sorts of ways anyway, though.

Also, I think your disappointment is useful. It's showing you the truth- that you're not happy and you need something to change.

PicsInRed · 29/01/2020 23:16

So he behaves appallingly to you, then apologises with flowers or chocolates? And isn't doing that anymore - just makes you cry?

Sweetheart, that's classic cycle of abuse. As you have seen, eventually they don't even bother with the apology and gifts anymore and it's nothing but misery and abuse. It doesn't get better and the only answer is to leave.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

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