Separating - How to do it the right way

[Wannabegreenfingers]

Hello, this is my first post, but I've been around for a while and commented on other threads.

My husband and I have finally agreed to separate (his instigation), I've tried, but I can't fight for my marriage any longer and need to except it's over. How do we separate without destroying each other and the kids. They are 9&7.

He is a good dad and will be going forward just as I am a good mum. Please tell me how you manage to co parent and keep the children happy? It's very early days and there is no hatred between us, we can be in the same house and spend time in each other's company. I just want to have two well rounded children at the end of the process. I'll be staying in the house with the children x

How is everyone. I'm very up and down. We have sorted a financial settlement, in principle and agreed contact - it's all happened super quick so I've asked if things an slow down so I can catch my breath and hes agreed.

We are getting on better then we have in months - it's weird. It's better then dancing around one another and treading on egg shells, but frustrating as to why this couldn't of been the way when we were trying counselling. Not sure if it's his guilt as the main instigator or just him needing to do something practical in the interim- I guess time will tell.

I wish there was a pill you could take that stopped the constant tears, I've run to the loo at least 3 times today at work. It feels like when you've just had a baby and your hormones go all crazy!!

Not sure why I'm waffling, just wanted to get the day down in words x

Hey Wannabe. It’s so hard isn’t it? I just feel numb, empty and sad. Almost too calm. I don’t know if I’m in denial. I keep having flashes of hope that I can change his mind or that he’ll change his 🤷🏽‍♀️. It won’t happen though.

Is your dh still moving out soon?

This is all totally normal.
I used to go off and cry at least 3+ times a day at first.
Curl into a ball in my bathroom in the evening to just sob.
It's truly horrendous.
But.... it does get better.
It all just takes time.
Well done on telling him to slow it all down.
You need to do this at a pace you are comfortable with.

Will he definitely move out in 2 weeks?
Have you booked some mediation or can you address all this in your counselling sessions?

It's a horrible time but you will get there!!!
Just keep reaching out for love and support from your family and friends.
They certainly got me through my separation!

Can I jump in on this thread please? (2 DC's 10 & nearly 7, married 11 years)
Me and DH have been working through marriage counselling for a year now. The last 2 months have been so much better, since I said I was done last year (I didn't move that forwards and gave it another chance). DH now said HE is done and wants out. Totally blindsided me as my heart was back in the relationship fully. Anyway, he is adament he is done. "Tired of trying".

He says he wants everything 50/50, not going through solicitors to fight things. Wants it all to remain kind and amicable for the sake of the kids. Wants kids to remain in house and we move in and out alternatly to care for them. He wants to seperate for 2 years rather than divorce now on blame. I've said very little, my head is mush so not agreeing to anything right now. He's very good at telling me how it all is! The thought of me not living in the house with the children properly rips my heart out. I'd struggle to buy him out at the moment as equity is too high. He said if we don't do his arrangement he would want to buy me out but THEN said that he thinks I am so "bad with money" that if we sold the house now I would blow all mine then come back to him for half of what he had in the divorce settlement. He honestly thinks this!
He's pressing me for a discussion on arrangements - its been 3 days since he told me!

Do you both work full-time?
Do you both earn equal salaries?
Do you both have the same pension pot?
Did you lose earnings, career progression and pension to bring up the kids when they were small?
Does he currently do 50% of the childcare and household chores?

Do NOT agree to anything until you have seen solicitor.
Start looking around now.
Some offer a free consultation, others a reduced rate one.
See a few and choose the one you feel comfortable with.
He is trying to blindside you with this 50:50 crap.
Tell him to back the fuck off for a while.

You need to get your head around this and you need some proper advice before you move forward with anything.
Do NOT allow him to railroad you right now.
You are vulnerable and he will take advantage.
Stand firm.
'NO' is a complete sentence.
Practice it in the mirror if you need to.
Get phoning around - NOW!!!!

And... @CQ2020 you would be better starting your own thread.
This is the OP's space and although we all like to support each other it's far easier on your own thread well people can respond and focus on YOU!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. The fact that you are asking this question is a great sign for a less acrimonious separation, and I hope your ex is on the same wavelength.

From my parents' separartion & divorce, I learned some things NOT to do - DON'T:
Insult/badmouth/criticise/blame/put down the other parent [Do: support each other, you are both still the children's parents and both part of their family and both a part of them]
Allow others eg grandparents to insult/badmouth/criticise/blame/put down the other parent [Do: tell them to be respectful, as above]
Use the children as weapons against the other parent [Do: deal with any issues between you and ex between you, not via the kids]
Make the children feel guilty for any time they spend with the other parent [Do: reassure your children that though you miss them, you are happy for them to be with the other parent]
Yell, shout, swear and cause scenes in front of the kids, or treat the other parent with disrespect [Do: obviously be civil and polite, friendly if possible; deal with issues when the children are not there with you]
Demand to change visitation dates/times at short notice without even asking the children [Do: take the children's feelings into account; understand that children generally prefer routine and knowing what to expect]
Try to 'punish' the other parent [Do: move past old hurts and resentments; work through new problems/issues constructively and positively]
Hire lawyers to penalise the other parent and 'win' against them [Do: be fair to each other, try mediation if necessary; lawyers if needed but not in a 'vindictive' way]
Use loopholes in the law to benefit yourself [Do: act fairly]
Launch a court case to increase custody, without speaking to the children, which requires them to testify in court [Do: take the children's feelings into account]

Good luck OP, it'll be rough and you'll probably cry a lot, allow yourself to grieve...

I am 4 months in and he's still here. Got a solicitor appointment later this month as I feel like he's trying to manipulate it all for his own gain

Hello, @CQ2020 Sorry there are more of us going through this. Although 50/50 seems like a great idea only you will know if it's right for the children and you. It wouldn't work for us, but he has 100% access to the children, in that he can see them during the week when he wants. We've agreed every other weekend, but during the week he can see them and help with homework & activities etc. The children will mainly be based in the family home with me as I have always been the main care giver, but he's their dad and I'm fully encouraging that relationship to go from strength to strength. Once he has his own base he will be able to host them at his and he wont need to come to house as often.

I've just applied for my single person benefit on the council tax and reapplied for Child benefit as we had stop it when the new rules came in x

So far it's still amicable and I dont see a reason for that to change. If he's foolish enough to get involved with another woman who would allow her to come between him and the children, then more fool him!!

Your husband sounds like hes really not being fair, stand your ground and be strong - I'm passing the tissues around x

You’re sounding strong, well done 😊. Just the fact you’ve sorted council tax and child benefit is great!

I had a major meltdown last night and we can safely say that the ‘anger’ stage is kicking in 😳. It wasn’t pretty 🙈. Feeling tired and washed out today.

My (ex) dh has says he would like our children 50/50 but in practise, I don’t know how they’ll cope. My eldest has asd, my son has adhd and youngest dd is extremely bonded to me. I absolutely want them to have a good relationship with their dad but I have to consider what’s best for them overall. I suppose we’ll try it and see how it goes. I don’t want him or them try to say I stood in their way.

In VERY similar situation myself. Sending my thoughts x

Sending you all the strength in the world x

I'm good with the practical, not so good with emotional. You all sound like strong mums with your children's best interests at the heart of everything. I wish we could fast forward to a time where we are coming out of this fog as strong independent women!!

I also had to sort out income protection for myself today, why oh why does everything cost money - bye bye another £37 a month 😪

I’m such an ostrich when it comes to practical stuff. I renewed my car insurance yesterday but set the payment up from my account rather than the joint account. That felt big. Managing my money by myself is something I’m going to struggle with.

Btw, I’m feeling ANYTHING but strong right now 😉.

Much love to you too CQ2020, sorry you find yourself in this shitty situation too.

How’s things Wannabegreenfingers?

After feeling rather settled, I had a MASSIVE crash yesterday. I just feel utterly heartbroken all over again 😢.

Hello, very up and down. We were doing well until yesterday when it all blew up, because I packed some non essentials - paperwork, coats etc into bags and put them in the garage. Apparently this was unnecessary and i was being petty. From my side, I did it because on that day I felt strong, the kids were entertained and didn't see me moving stuff out....

He is leaving on Friday, so I'm hoping this is just nervous stress!!

Did anything trigger the massive crash? x

Oh I totally relate to having moments of feeling strong! I keep looking things up and trying to find out what the hell I need to do next but can only face it when I feel able to.

I think the crash was a combination of things. I’d seen friends the night before and got very drunk 🤦🏽‍♀️ Plus I’m bloody ANGRY at him! My moods are all over the place. One minute I want to throw myself at his feet and beg but the next I could actually kill him. I also keep having moments that he’ll change his mind although I know he won’t.

What a head fuck 😭.

The dreaded alcohol, feels great when your drinking it and the next day, not so much - I''m no kill joy and enjoy my wine!

I've read so much 'help and information' that I feel like some kind of walking encyclopedia on break ups. I keep coming back to the 1 month for every year you are together to get over a break up. By that reckoning I should back to normal by next May ;) - although no idea what normal is these days!

Do you have to see much of him from week to week? x

@suzysweet
He moaned that I must have money to waste which led to an argument about who has the least amount of money , he earns 4x my wages and has only agreed to paying half the mortgage and no child maintenance as he can’t afford it, he has a weeks holiday abroad booked with his mates though

Are you getting competent legal advice?

Because this is totally unacceptable. You and your children have rights. Money spent on a SHL is rarely wasted.