Families

[Gruffado]

I need help for my blended family. I have a 17yr daughter from 1st marriage, we left her dad when she was 3, so she hardly remembers him. One of her last memories of him is him abusing me.
Husband no2 and I have been married almost 10yrs. Although he's only lived with us for 5yr, we have a 3yo son. DD loves her brother, but doesn't speak to step dad after they had a row few yes ago. I'm caught in the middle. Life is v stressful. Calling a family meeting is not going to happen.

What was the row about? Who was in the wrong?

They had a row a few years ago?

Why has it been left so long? Was the baby born after the row?

What do you want to happen?

The row was over clearing up food plates. I was at work, I got 2 seperate versions from them. DD said I was eating and he kept saying "make sure you take your dishes, it annoyed me" it annoyed her. He said don't talk to me like that I'm older than you. She replied I don't care how old you are, I will talk like that. Then they both said don't talk to me again. This was 2017 I think.

Sometimes I feel like running away with my son. She may be moving away for university in September and I'm secretly pleased about it but for the wrong reasons. Other times I feel why should she have to move away why can't he be the adult that he is!!

@Nanny0gg baby was born before the row.
@AnneLovesGilbert I want them to grow the fuck up and deal with it. And leave me out of it. If she leaves a cup in the sink, I don't want to hear about it. And if he doesn't wash the food off the plates properly, I really don't want to know!!!

They both massively over reacted by the sounds of it

Neither of them exactly covered themselves with glory. Her excuse is that she is a child. What's his excuse? And what has he done to build bridges?

(and why didn't he move in until 5 years after you married?)

3 years ago they fell out about some plates and it's STILL going on?

Knock their heads together OP (metaphorically). Life is way too short.

More info on the matter. When we met (London) she was 7/8 completely adored him, he went home to nurse his sick parents and couldn't return due to visa issues. I kept going over to visit him, his parents died and subsequently visa was issued 2 months later (both were independent of each). Anyways when he came to live with us she 13 and well a different person.

What do you think of his behaviour?
Would you say he was a stranger to her by the time he moved in?

I think when he came back he wanted to be her dad which included telling her off. She wasn't having any of that. To be fair to him, he did love her like his own, but it became conditional. He wanted love and respect back and she needed time, he didn't understand. And tbh I didn't help bridges because I didn't want to deal with it, I was brought up brushing things under the carpet and avoiding confrontations (I'm trying to change)