I don’t know what to do I need help

[Lizzie15510]

Hi I need some help
Basically I have a bf who we were official for a year broke up and got bk togeather 5 months later but his family don’t know it’s been a year and a half since getting back together we have been away numerous times in England and abroad he stays at my house etc go out for days out his family knows we meet up but that’s it they think we r just friends his mum doesn’t like me thinks I’m not gud enough for her son and has a opinion on everything he has just gone into the navy which is hard enough and now has ask if I don’t go to his pass out parade cause it will be awkward he says he knows he being a ass but all I could say was it’s ok it’s fine. I don’t know what to do anymore I want it to be official again cause it’s been a year and half all hush hush from his family I don’t know what to do
HELP !!!!!

What's the backstory with his family? Why don't they know about you?

Your dp needs to grow a spine. He’s not going to be any use defending the country if he can’t stand up to his mum

Perhaps you could point that out.

His mum doesn’t like me never has because I’m 5 years older then him and I have a child from a old relationship his family have all met the partners when the were young except him his dad likes me but that’s it and the reason apparently he keeps saying is his mum won’t understand what’s going on with us it needs to be black and white but he’s the one not making it black and white

OP I would expect now he is away that this relationship will fade away.

He hasnt made any move to make you a permanent fixture.

Hevhas gone away to the navy. That will take his focus. I dont think he meant this to go any further than him leaving. That's why he hasnt rocked the boat with his mum.

How old is he?

25 he kept saying after the 10 week training he will tell his family we r together but then comes out with the passing out parade thing last night x

His friends know bout me but his family doesn’t

He isnt going to tell her.

OP, you were something to keep him occupied til he got in the navy.

I am sorry. He is a shit. It's not nice. But he isnt going to tell her.

Whether or not his mother likes you, he is the one who has decided you cannot come to the parade. He doesn’t want you there, or at least not enough.

He will be going away for long periods of time. In a job that is notorious for affairs. Without a solid foundation you are going to struggle to be happy in this relationship. In fact there is a very high probability you are going to be miserable. He has shown himself to be weak and gutless. That’s who is and you won’t change him.

There are better men who have time for you.

It's NOTHING you can do, I am afraid. Just leave him. His family doesn't want you, he doesn't want you enough to go against them- it's either you accept being his secret shag or leave him and find somebody, who is happy to share his life with you.

I know what this is. His mother is hoping that he’ll meet someone who doesn’t already have a child and is a bit closer in age to himself, or younger.

She doesn’t want him to find himself under pressure to have a child before he’s ready because you are mindful of your age and the age gap between kids and feel ready for a second baby.

She doesn’t want him saddled to the expense and commitment of raising another mans child, in a relationship she is not sure will work out.

I’ll be honest, I wouldn’t want any of that for my 25 year old either. I’d be that mother.

If he was completely in love then I’d accept it and wish them the best but I’d be secretly hoping it would fizzle out before another child appeared on the scene.

From what you’ve said he sounds as though he’s not actually that committed to you as he’s not prepared to stand up to his family and bring the relationship out into the open. Maybe he’s joined the navy hoping that it will help him make the break once and for all.

Full stops are free to use.

Listening to your posts on a screen reader is just one continuous splurge of ramblings. Hard to believe you are 30 and he is 25; you sound like teenagers sneaking out so your parents don't ground you!

Sorry but I think you're wasting your time here.

He doesn't want to commit to you, doesn't want to tell his family about you and doesn't want you to go to his passing out parade.

He is spelling this out for you very clearly.

Time to bin him and move on.

You’ll be feeling pretty panicky and insecure about these replies. Please, whatever you do, don’t even THINK about getting ‘accidentally’ pregnant as a way of keeping him tethered to you while he’s away with the navy and hoping it will force his hand to make the relationship ‘official’ to his family.

That would be a very big mistake indeed.