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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Step Kids!!! Where and how do I begin this one.

5 replies

JustBreathexoxo · 01/09/2007 07:07

I was in a relationship for 14 years im 31 now and meet him when i was 15 had dd at 21 and left ex relationship 2 years ago to begin a new journey with current partner.At the time i meet him i was still with my ex and as i started to develope feelings for mr current broke things off with ex before pursing things.Im trying to keep this brief so hope its not to confusing.Ok me and current hit it off wonderfully my dd was 7 at the time and extremly unhappy what do you expect i know i have never felt so guilty or awful in all my life well once but thats another thread dont assume that her feelings were pushed aside while a tried selfishly to pursue a new relationship my dd is the most important wonderful person in my life if not for her i would have left her father when she was 3, her father and i just outgrew eachother we know each other inside out hes a wonderful father and was a wonderful partner loyal generous loving the whole boat so call me crazy but i left i thought we wern't suppose to stay together just for the childs sake grr just the build up to this is long to cut it short my current partner has 2 children which i encouraged him to gain care of as there situation was not the best in both our eyes.So now we have them its been 2 years my daughter who is 9 constantly picks at mr currents 6 year old daughter actually they are both pretty much constantly getting on each others nerves very different personalitys very.His 12 year old son well he has led a sheltered life with his grandmum everything done for him that kind of thing,he's a smart boy does well at school when he applys himself but just lacks the kind of mental maturity i would expect of my own kids or nephews of his age.Ok I am learning the best way to teach and communicate with the boy thats not the problem.To be blunt my problem is the girl lil miss 6 that sounds awful i know shes so different in lots of ways from any child i have ever met she has been taught by her father or life(short as it has been for her)that to get what she wants to act and sound like a baby but boy can she let the nastiness fly when i try to teach her bad behavior from good e.g. today she sat in her brothers room screaming at him from there to come to her because shes having a problem with the t.v. Brother was by me i asked him to ignore her till she came out to us, when she did i said its not polite or manners to yell from a room and expect people to come to you.To which she stood there indignant and fully rolling her eyes at my every word i kid you not so i explained that i didnt feel she was listening to me and i felt she was being rude so i sent her to her room she stamps her feet all the way there saying im not listening to you,you cant tell me what to do,your always mean to me and on some occasions will also call me dumb.I know people shes 6 but oh boy it takes all i have to be able to walk back into the room after 5 mins explain why i sent her there without raising my voice.The story is so much more indepth then what i have written but any advice on how to approach or build a relationship with this precious outstandingly gorgeous lil miss 6 when to be completly honest (im gonna get hate mail for this) if she were a grown up i would probably not be in her circle of friends nor her in mine.I dont believe in physical disclipine i use time out and loss of privledges and i dont believe that i expect or treat either child any differently then i do my own.I know they have all led different lives but i cant let my daughter see me let my partners children get away with certain behaviors she knows i would not expect of her.Lol your all probably wondering why its fallen to me why its my responsibility? Mr current works long hours and he hasnt had much if any experience in raising his children where as i pride myself on my roll as mommy and feel better equip to deal with it so knowing that it was going to be a challenge albeit more of one then i expected im not moaning at the job i chose to take on just looking for some advice about my relationship with lil miss 6

OP posts:
LittleBella · 01/09/2007 07:31

Well it's long and there's obviously masses of issues here but one thing struck me quite forcibly. You are doing the parenting of this little girl when she comes to your house, and that's not fair on you or on her, because you are not her parent. She's not coming to build a relationship with you,however good you consider yourself as a parent, she's coming to build a relationship with her father, and he's not doing that. No wonder she's so angry. As long as he fobs her off on you (which is how she will see it), you can't possibly build a decent relationship with her, because she's not getting what she's supposed to be getting from contact - the full involvement in her life from her father. You can only parent her effectively if you are doing it in partnership with her father. That's not happening by the sounds of it. Of course it's not working. And it never will, as long as he's so hands off.

fillyjonk · 01/09/2007 08:07

ok. first off, a hint. That post is very hard to read, because it is all very condensed. It would be much easier (and you'd get more replied) if you broke it up, eg into bullet points. Also punctuate. Am not having a go at all, just that on this forum, people skim a lot and its impossible to skim your post!

As far as I can work out,

  1. there are 3 kids involved-your daughter who is now 9, and your new dp's children who are 6 and 12.

  2. You don't seem to be hitting it off with either kid. You feel that the 12 yo is immature.

  3. You are especially having problems with the 6 yo, who, I think, won't respect you. You are attempting to discipline her.

Am I correct?

My gut instinct is that this really is your partner's field. They are his kids. You are taking on way too much here. You CANNOT win.

JustBreathexoxo · 01/09/2007 08:50

Your both correct my post reads reflecting my mind state at times round here sorry its such a mess tsk the newbie.
Your also correct in saying that my dp needs to get more on side which he is in a way its just that i thought consistancy was part of producing healthy guidelines and thats where he faulters.Its my fault also for being the kind of girl who always assumes she can fix any situation no matter how broken.I just feel so responsisble for them both now that they are here,Im into raising my own daughter so that she is to the best of my ability prepared for world when she is of age to go out and do her own thing and i know that im not going to be able to prepare her for everything but im doing my best.Thanks for the advice filly i will keep that in mind the next time i post.So seriously its not my job to raise what i now consider my step children then what is my roll within our home and what of my daughter how do you think she might react seeing me take a step back for her new siblings but still guiding her?

OP posts:
JustBreathexoxo · 01/09/2007 08:51

Oh and filly Thanks you condensed that wonderfully.

OP posts:
fillyjonk · 01/09/2007 08:53

I think this is really tricky, and am not a step parent

I wonder if you'd get more replies if you posted again in stepfamilies.

otoh it IS saturday morning. Am only on here to do the montly shop

Do these kids actually live with you? If not, is it possible for them to come round only when your partner is there?

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