DH Sleeping in my bed

[Still1nLove]

My DH and I separated 3 years ago, we were together 17 years, married for 14.

Our separation is a long story. No one else involved, just relationship stresses that came to a head and we needed to separate.

We have 2 DDs and have always coparented really well and we continue to get on well.
He is my best friend and even though we had our ups and downs during our separation we have always gotten on well and were supportive of each other during family problems and health scares.

We have finally come to a place in our lives where we are happy and settled and we have decided to 'date' again and get to known each other again (We never dated, we met on a night out, I stayed over at his and never left. It was always a pretty intense relationship), during our separation he stas over in the family home one night a week to facilitate our DD's hobbies, always in the spare room.

Now we are making small (tentative) steps to rebuild our relationship, I would like him to sleep in my bed on the one night a week he stays over. I'm just worried about our DD. On one hand, we are married and why can't my husband sleep in my bed? But, on the other hand, what if it doesn't work out? Our DD's are 7 and 13. I don't think the 7 yo will care but what about the 13 yo? I think one night week, just cosleeping, not just sex, will really help our relationship.

Any advice please?

Why if you are currently both rebuilding your relationship together, dating each other and get on well are you not officially together permanently and with him staying back in the family home? Three years on... that’s long enough that if either of you were not wanting to be together you’d have gone different ways by now.

Yes share a bed. You sound like you both love each other and want it to work - make it work 😃. Enjoy dating and do something you’ve never done before together - make new memories.

Oh and I don’t think it’ll be problematic for the kids either with the bed sharing situation.

Worst you'll get from DD13 is an eye roll - the same one you'd have had anyway for merely existing! Go for it, hope it all works out.

I think you either need to fully commit to getting back together or making a clean break and separating completely! Surely this is all confusing for your kids? Whilst it’s great you got on despite being separated, surely you’re not setting a great example of healthy relationships by being in a relationship limbo?

He’s your husband who you’ve had kids with. I don’t see why you consider it a big deal him sleeping in your bed

I’m not being rude I just find it strange. You’re making it such a big deal? Your kids will not give a damn.. you’re overthinking it

I seem to disagree with everyone (no change there then). There was a reason you broke up, so it's best to take it slowly. I think your parents splitting up twice isn't a fabulous thing so keep it on the down low until you are less tentative.

I think co sleeping with no sex sends mixed messages all round. Are you having sex at the moment? You imply not.

The kids will think you are back together, and you and him will be in that "are we/arent we?" limbo.

Wait until sex is back on the cards regularly, either when the kids are not there or at his, before you start sleeping (literally) together.

I agree with @MrsTerryPratchett that you need to be so so SO sure that it will work out before you try getting back officially, a second break up could cause untold damage to the kids. And while he might be your best friend, how sure are you that you are his?

Take it very slowly. I have been in your position and honestly to commit to making it work you have to start right at the beginning for all your sakes .

My DH was in a flat and we moved him back in the house verrrry slowly with clear boundaries.

The well-being of our children was paramount because their little hearts & souls have so much invested in you both getting back together.

how did she take the break up?
did she want you to get back together so this will get her hopes up?
was she angry at either of you over the breakup so this will confuse her more?
are they onbaord and know the current way things stand?
have you talked to her and asked her how she is what shes feeling and what she thinks is happening?
only you know your daughters.so it depends on where they are on the spectrum of how theyve taken the breakup.

oh and plus how does he feel about this?have you discussed this with him.would he think 'sleeping' in same bed means something different to you.because im sorry but very often (and thats not a bad thing) men and woman do think about these things differently.

I think you need to be cautious, the 13-year-old may give you an eye roll but the 7-year-old will think you are back together. You say you have an intense relationship, perhaps this time around concentrate on taking things slowly so you don't mess up the friendship you have.

Do the kids ever get up in the night? If you must sleep together, and the kids sleep through, can he set an alarm for like 5am and be back in his 'usual' bed when they get up, to avoid any problems?

You need to both be very clear on whether sex is or isn't on the cards, too, because sharing a bed is quite an intimate thing IMO.

Until you decide you're both fully back together I wouldn't have him in your bed.

I'm amazed the pp who say the kids won't care..yet it's these very kids who end up confused and upset that it doesn't work and sometimes.

They won't always tell you...but it comes out in other ways.

A colleague is a school counsellor and hears similar stories from kids.

I agree with the PPs that said it's way too confusing for the kids. You can’t operate in the grey space of not together but not apart. Getting kids hopes up then breaking up again will cause a lot of confusion and emotional pain for your DC. You have to both be sure and both fully commited to the relationship before you do anything that signals to DC you're back together.

You will be hugely confusing your children. And what message are you sending them. I think either decide you are together or not. It's not fair to put your kids through hoping it works out and then it doesnt.