How do people move in together and how do I know it’s right?

[User050581]

Been together 18 months, engaged, both have kids full time Ages 9-12, both own our homes. Want to buy together but want to live together first before getting financially tied and then married, don’t want to rent but don’t have an individual house big enough either. Renting would mean a lot of moving around for the children as we’ve both only been in our homes for less than 18 months
Arhhhh, what do other people do? And is it even worth it? Both high earners so it’s not financially motivated, and we both have lovely life styles, we just want to spend more time together and not sure how to get there whilst keeping stable homes for the children

In your situation I think you’ll have to rent a bigger place together and each rent out your own homes. Then if you decide it’s working out you sell both of your houses whilst staying in the rental which at least puts you in a good position when looking to buy together as you’ll have no chain.

I'd wait a bit longer. 18 months is pretty quick to try to blend families. Holiday together, have long weekends, since you both earn well.

Seems far too soon. And when I was that age, I would have hated being 'blended' with another family. And kicked up hell over it!

I know it’s too soon but as he’s buying somewhere anyway I was thinking maybe it’s a cross roads when we decide something else. We don’t really get long weekends because of work but do often get weeks away with the children on holiday.
The kids want to stay over more also, especially the two 9 year olds, always asking to stay over at the others. The older ones more hormonal and moody and want their own stuff more but happy to have the other one at their house.
We’ve also got a lot of pets so may have issues with renting because of that.
I think some things would be easier living together and other harder, for example, child care, cooking meals, not living between two houses all the time. Other things harder, child care 😂, working finances out, no quiet times with lots of kids.
I just wanted to know how others manage it and what our options would be. Maybe i build an extension on my house and he moves in? but not sure how we would work the finances out with that? Plus it’s him moving his kids again and that’s not fair

I agree with pp about renting both homes out and renting somewhere together whilst you test it. Given neither home is big enough there isn't anything else you can do.

Also if everyone is happy about the arrangements, it doesn't have to be too soon. MN is very funny about people doing things 'too quickly'. It's what's right for individual situations.

I've been with dp 3 years .
I have dc, he does not, and both mid to late 40's .
Both earn decent salary / professional jobs and own our own houses .
Mine went on the market yesterday and dp tomorrow .
Did consider renting but tbh my career commitments mean I have almost no time spare and really don't want the hassle .
Dp the same .
Both had long relationships in our own homes with another partner so decided to completely move on and sell .
We want to rent to just affirm that we aren't all goggle eyed and can actually live together before purchasing . It's a small price to pay to be sure even though I cannot believe how lucky I am to have met him still x
This will mean as soon as the first house sells we can rent a bigger property and fit a few months may have to pay rent plus one mortgage .
That's doable for us ... is it for you ?
In the meantime when we've both sold we shall equally invest in a small house to rent out and invest our equity which will also generate another income x
Take your time and enjoy .
It should be fairly easy to do .

MN is very funny about people doing things 'too quickly'.

It's because the first couple of years are full of new relationship energy/infatuation and you're showing each other your best selves. It's the honeymoon period. After a while it can prove to be a mask. Fine when you have no dependants and only yourself to think about to take risks and move as fast as you like, but when you've got kids it's not fair to gamble.

How far apart do you live?

Best advice is to not force the relationship speed because of an event, such as him buying a house. 18 months is hardly anytime and still honeymoon, get past 2years at least and then see how you feel.

You can't put your needs ahead of the children and a move if it doesn't work out would be detrimental to them.

It is so easy to be in the hopeful loved up stage but 2nd marriages have a much higher rate of failure and there are very good reasons for that, mostly because couples just don't know each other and the difficulties are much greater than 1st time around.

If you knew something had a greater than 50% chance of failing would you plan a back up exit strategy? If so what would it cost to undo a joint home?

18 months is too soon when children are involved. There’s really no rush to move in, I’m sure you’re enjoying things the way they are for now with your own personal sense of independence. Just keep it as it is for longer, blending families is complicated.

We currently live 35 mins away from each other.
I think the main thing is that it’s too soon. I’m unsure if I want to financially commit with him and was trying to think of a way to get there and see if we can even live together before it went further. I’m 34 and he’s 38 so we have time. I just like having him with me but it’s still all honey moon period. We can always revisit the situation in a few years and see what happens when the kids are older too. He wants to get married in the next few years (I’m not fussed, maybe selfishly as already done that) but unless we’ve lived together a while then I’m not even thinking about it.
I didn’t think second time marriages had a bigger chance of ending? I thought it was the other way around because it’s not so rushed and the older you are, the more relaxed you are about things. I’m a much more relaxed person now than I was in my marriage, early 20’s me wanted so much, career, kids, big house. Now I just want one nice holiday a year and a cuddle at night. My marriage taught me the big house and nice car doesn’t matter if you don’t like the person you share it with. My problem was I was so focused on getting these things, I didn’t take notice of how bad a marriage I was in. If only I knew at 20 what I know now! I don’t want to make that mistake again.
So no rushing this time 🙂

It is difficult, it’s something we have been discussing and there is only one child involved and it’s tricky enough.

We have decided when it happens he will move in with us, if we also moved that in my view would be too many changes at once. Obviously you don’t have that luxury, but as your children are a bit older you will be able to have conversations to make sure everyones views are heard fully.

I think 2nd marriages on have more chances of ending but starting a relationship as an older couple improves the chances - sounds like a contradiction unless it's only for first marriages at an older age!

I’d really wait a lot longer - we moved in together after several years of own houses and whilst lovely takes a bit of adjustment! I’d certainly keep house and rent first.

2nd marriages have higher rates of failure and a factor is that people move on too quickly (haven't had sufficient time alone to heal and understand themselves) and haven't appreciated the challenges of blending children, finances, households.

You are in the honeymoon stage and wanting to be together is natural but isn't sensible at this early stage. You will need an financial exit strategy if you bought together. Are you financially equal in terms of assets, salary and pensions? If not if you married he is entitled to 50% of your assets.

When did you get engaged, if in the first year and within a couple of years of leaving long term relationships then it is much too fast.

As a parent you have to park your "wants" and prioritise the financial and housing stability of your children. Moving them in with a man you know for 18months is a high risk.

If you rented then hang on to existing houses but rent them out. If it doesn't work you give notice on your rental and move back. How does he get on with his Ex?

Btw, third marriages have an even higher rate of failure so it shows people don't learn from their mistakes.

So what then ? You never get married again or have a relationship again based on statistics ? How ridiculous ...as a much older than you woman OP I say go for it - life is short and when you are my age with less years ahead of you than behind you you will wish you had lived life to the full . Just make sure your assets are protected and you could draw up a "living together " legal statement . 18 months ? You either know or you don't - which is it ?

I agree it’s too soon (speaking from experience!)
PP have great suggestions. How would it work? What are the gender of your kids and his? Do they get on etc?

Also speaking from experience, I moved in with my (now ex) a year after we got together with my DC. Boy, do I regret it. If I had MN back then I think I'd have been given a roasting! I wish I had left it 3 years at least because by then his mask was slipping and he had started taking me for granted. I feel so guilty for putting my DC through all this and have vowed never to do anything like that again. Don't make the same mistake others have. If in 3 years things are still going well, then I'd say that it is definitely time to take things further.

I agree about the two year honeymoon stage, but to an extent the dating years are always a 'honeymoon' no matter how long they go on for. Visiting each other is fun! Living together is fun too but there's precious little novelty or anticipation any more. At that point, you need to be able to get on well even though you're well past the OMG IT'S STEVE stage.

Life is too short. My friend met the love of her life and was blissfully happy, she just knew. Out of the blue he dropped dead one day. He wasn't even 50.

I won't put things on hold when I know it's right because I want to make the most of the life I have left with my DP. Just go for it OP. You're engaged so you must be sure and it sounds like the DCs all get on.

How much time do you spend together now?

Just make sure your assets are protected

This is difficult to do once you marry as divorce can ignore all pre marriage assets. If you are older you will have less time to restablish yourself financially so therefore the impact is higher. No fun to have to start again in your 40s or 50s.

Just go into this with your eyes wide open, get legal advice, don't rush anything and know when you are still in the honeymoon stage. You need to have faced some difficulties together because people under stress behave differently. Many of us speak from experience, your choice to take the input but at least you have been made aware of the pitfalls.