Crush - advice needed

[ncdotcom]

How do you get over it, when the usual tricks (picture on the loo, think of negatives etc.) don't work?

She is beautiful - laughter lines, the kindest eyes you can imagine, a soul who lights you up when you meet her, incredibly kind and caring.

She is single, I am not. I don't think I'd ever stand a chance, even if I were.

We used to work together, now we are approaching friendship territory. I cannot let her go as a friend and I am not willing to, either.

How do you ride it out when a woman is perfect in every way? (I know she has faults, no rose-tinted glasses here, but they are so minor in comparison with all the joy she spreads)

I am examining the reasons why in my relationship; they are not difficult to find. We will see each other again in a few weeks, she will stay over at mine for the first time - in a separate room, of course. We have almost a full day planned together.

How can I calm my mind? I am so incredibly confused and guilt-ridden and and yet excited.

You shouldn't be having her over and spending time like that when you're attached to someone else. She's not a friend, she's someone you're after. Don't lie to yourself and don't lie to your partner.

Thank you. I wasn't aware how much of my mind she occupied until after the next time was set.

I wouldn't start anything with her - too much respect for both my partner and her as a person. That's why I need advice on how to change my mindset to re-set her as a friend?

Are you having a midlife crisis?

Haha, I'm not old enough for that. Mid-30s.

How would you like this if your partner wrote it?

Of course I wouldn't like it. I know that this is a crush, not a romance. It's in my head, the woman in question will not reciprocate and I just need to get over it. Doesn't make the present and near future any easier.

How’s your relationship with your partner? Anything going on that might make the distraction of a powerful attraction more likely to take hold? And how do your feelings for this woman reflect/contrast with your general patterns in relationships?

Do you have to be around this woman?

Is your relationship with your partner what you really want? If so cut contact with the woman until you feel the crush is over.

Why is she staying over?
Has she any idea of how you feel?
How do you know she wouldn’t reciprocate?
It sounds like you need to end it with your partner either way...

As you’ve acknowledged to yourself your feelings for this woman, then out of respect for your partner, this - We will see each other again in a few weeks, she will stay over at mine for the first time - in a separate room, of course. We have almost a full day planned together - should not happen.

Make any excuse you need to, but you need to cancel those plans.

Yep, you've got to cancel your plans. Distance is the thing.

I know I should cancel, under different circumstances I would, but in this instance, it's not possible. Difficult to explain without going into detail.

I don't feel any different towards my partner than I have done. I know what I am missing and what I see in her that is different (a type of careless ness and freedom my life does not allow).

We're both female - chances are, she does not see women that way at all. I am in a heterosexual relationship, so missing that other side of things, too.

I would not end things with my partner; crushes are storms to be weathered and no doubt he'll feel the same for someone at some point. The importance is eating at home, which I have every intent of doing.

Pardon me if I'm a bit eye-rolly about inexplicably being unable to cancel. Sure it's not "But I like playing with fire"?

No, but I can see why it looks like that without details.

Oh I knew it would be ‘impossible’ to cancel these plans, it always is.

Ok so you are missing out on carelessness and a sense of freedom and your feelings for this woman are pointing towards both , plus you are missing same sex relationships. These are very big things to be aware of missing and they really deserve your attention. You can squash your attraction to this particular woman and what she represents, but it’s likely to emerge somewhere else. Is your current relationship working for you? Is there a sense that you can’t have the freedom and a relationship?

And, for the record, you are being very realistic in saying your partner may himself have ‘crushes’ - could you explore a non-monogomous relationship as one possible option? Not an easy path to take, but no relational dynamic is easy.

I don't even think it's that - I know fully well that I cannot escape my responsibilities by jumping into a new relationship. She represents an unrealistic desire, but with a personality that floors me - I have never seen a person as altruistic as her.

A polygamous relationship is a no-go.

I have made my decision to stay with my husband a long time ago, when I finally said yes to getting married. But I cannot put space/ time distance between her and me; it's more complicated than that (isn't it always?) and the day we will spend together is set in stone.

It's still a long while away, though, but even though we only see each other every few months, modern communication makes contact far too easy. And that's all I need, really. Get over things, move on quietly, not message her in the meantime or at least space things out to every few weeks rather than every few days. I want the balance back between her saying hello and me doing the same. I want us both backon the same plane and her not on the pedestal she currently occupies in my head.

Any more ideas?

Shameless bump? Today is a bad day, all I can think about is her - from the moment I woke up to every second now, she is occupying my thoughts and I KNOW that it's not healthy. I've not felt like this in a long time, like a bloody teenager, but I am far too old for that one! Please distract me! Last time we had contact was the weekend and I am so worried about getting on her nerves and so worried I'll lose our friendship.

People are rarely as perfect in reality as they are in your head. Either way you’re in a relationship, so it’s a none starter.

I know it's a no-go; I'm looking for ways to forget about her for now/ today/ the next few weeks, but it's hard when she is occupying my every thought, from waking up to the moment I go to sleep!

Time. Time will heal everything.

No contact for 9 full weeks - that should get rid of the thoughts and feelings.