Asking to be friends when he ended it - terrible idea?

[IAmCake]

Been on 5 dates with someone, he seemed keen and we had a good connection. I liked him. This was all over the space of about three months.

After the fourth date (I stayed at his - he wanted to go further than I did, we didn’t - but I enjoyed spending time together), he showed me something someone had written years before. He came across really badly in it and I found it difficult to get past and didn’t understand why he had shown me - think it was a joke but all a bit soon and just freaked me out. Probably reacted a little irrationally but just said I found it a bit much and it killed the vibe - he was great and apologised / asked me out again but I asked for a few days of space. Also had some personal stuff going on.

We picked things up a few days later (I asked if he wanted to do an activity) and then I rearranged the date and then he did. Eventually met up but it seemed momentum had been lost and felt like there was some distance. It was good but something felt off. I messaged after saying how fun it was and got radio silence back.

Four days later I reached out and just said I figured something was going on, I didn’t want to ghost and was the message he had shown me / my reaction the reason for awkwardness. Explained I was cool with it but if something else was happening maybe we should leave things there.

He replied saying he wasn’t really feeling it anymore but he’d really enjoyed hanging out, he’d been hurt before and just wishing me well. Standard nice response I guess but obviously quite final and clearly he was intending to ghost prior to that, I assume to save face?!

My dilemma: I did actually enjoy spending time even if in hindsight perhaps the romantic vibe wasn’t always there. Is it weird or a bit desperate if I reply to his message and just say, I felt a shift too in the dating and perhaps the romance element wasn’t quite working for us. A bit unorthodox but I enjoyed hanging out with him and some of the work he’s doing right now so would be open to keeping in touch as friends and hanging out platonically if he would be too?

Hopeful bump!

No reason why not. He an only say no

What was it he came across badly that put you off?

No to the friends.

You can ask. The only thing is that he might want to use his spare time dating new people.

It was just lots of anecdotes about him being an absolute lad, but quite close to the bone - think I freaked out cos didn't know him that well and was scared...

Why no to friends?

I'd leave it personally. If you interpreted his last message as final then I think it would be silly to even attempt asking to remain friends.
He could have suggested that if he wanted to but didn't, which would tell me all I needed to know.
Don't lower yourself, there's plenty of other nice guys out there for you to meet/date/befriend

Well you've nothing to lose.
I wouldn't bother but you could you say what you have said above.
'Yeah, I felt a shift too. Happy to remain friends as enjoyed your company'

Are you the same poster with the bf who showed you an old work email in which he was just hilariously described as mouth raping women?

If so, I believe the advice given was to run screaming?

As long as you both understand your relationship is based on friendship only and neither is hoping for something more than I think its fine.
The problem is confirming if this is true.
I am not too sure if someone would admit liking another, especially if the other person has stated that they don't want anything romantic.

That’s all too muddled to base a friendship on. Better to leave it and avoid the risk of blurring boundaries and getting hurt in the future. He was possibly testing your boundaries with whatever he showed you - stick to them.

Don't ask to be friends - it's chasing and it won't come across well. If you're "meant" to be friends you might reconnect at another time but it's just be weird I think and I can't see it working.

Do you actually want to be just friends? Because it would come off that you were desperate to stay in touch with him in the hope he would change his mind.

He showed you something about himself being “an absolute lad” that was so “close to the bone” it scared you? I’d say he absolutely was testing how much abusive shit you’d tolerate and be ‘cool girl’ about. Why would you want to stay friends after that? Listen to your instincts and keep your standards.

Why do you keep re-posting about this rapey man trying to conceal the rapey context?

If you manipulate people into telling you what you want to hear you know it's meaningless, right?

No, that's not me PicsInRed...

We met on online dating so no chance we would be friends / reconnect otherwise.

Don't want to chase at all, more that I am trying to be genuine and do feel that it could work.

What does being an absolute lad even mean?

Why no friends? Because he's not interested in being friends. He's looking for someone to shag. If you hadn't contacted him, you wouldn't have heard from him again.

I wouldn't ask to stay friends. After 4 dates you decided you didn't like who he was as a person, so why would you want him as a friend?

Walk away and close the door on it. You don't need him as a friend.